Chapter 72 I’ll be ready for you
He started kissing my neck. My hand went into his thick hair, my fingers twisting into it. His hand moved from my knee up my inner thigh, and I made a sudden, sharp sound.
“Ah.”
“What is it? Did I hurt you?”
“No, it is fine.”
“Let me see.” Before I could stop him, he lifted my skirt. His eyes got huge. “Saraphina… what is this?”
There were lines all over my thighs. Some were old and faded. Some were halfway healed. A few were new.
“Nothing. I just scratched myself,” I said, the words rushing out.
“This does not look like nothing,” he said, his voice firm. “How long has this been going on?”
“They are nothing, Cole. Really.”
“Saraphina.”
“It is just a scratch!” But he did not believe me for a second.
“How long?” he asked again, quieter.
I breathed in deep. “For… about a year.”
He let out a heavy sigh and ran a hand over his head. “Why did you not tell me? I thought you were okay.”
“I am okay. It is not as serious as it looks.”
“A year ago? You mean, since he left?”
I sighed and gave a small nod.
“And you kept doing it? Even now? Even while we are together?” He paused, and his voice cracked a little. “Why hide it from me? You can tell me anything. I am your best friend.”
He reached for me, but my whole body pulled away before I could stop it. He saw it, and it surprised him, maybe even hurt him.
On the TV, Casablanca was still playing, the sound suddenly grating. I got up and turned it off, right before Bogart could say his famous line.
Cole’s voice was quiet behind me. “It is because you are still not over him, is it not?”
“Cole, do not…”
“Just answer me. Honestly.”
I bit my lip. “Yes,” I breathed out.
“So what was I? Someone to pass the time with?” His voice had an edge to it now.
“Cole.”
“Saraphina, I do not want to be something you play with. I am serious about this. About us.”
“I am serious, too!”
“When, then?”
“When what?”
“When will you be over him?”
“I… I do not know. I am trying,” I stumbled over the words.
“Saraphina, I love you. I really do. But I cannot do this if you are not completely here with me. I will not be the thing you settle for. Do you understand?”
“Cole, please. You know it is not like that.”
“It feels exactly like that. I am always going to be standing in Ryan’s shadow, am I not?”
“Cole!”
“Tell me, Saraphina! When?!” His voice rose. He was breathing hard, looking at me with a focus I had never seen on him before. I had never seen him this angry.
“Stop! Just stop, okay? Look, we need to breathe. We are too worked up right now. Can we just… take a minute? Step back? I promise we will talk tomorrow. Okay?”
“Saraphina.”
“Please. I cannot do this now.”
I could see the pain in his eyes. I had hurt him. Again. But he knew I was not ready. So he took a long, slow breath.
“Okay. Tomorrow,” he said, nodding.
I bit my lip, searching for words that would not come. He looked at me, worry all over his face. I tried to give him a smile, but it felt weak. He sighed once more, leaned in, and pressed a brief kiss to my cheek.
“Goodnight, Saraphina,” he said. Then he was gone.
Guilt. Nothing but guilt.
That is what filled me after the door closed. The weight of it finally landed on my chest. I did not want Cole to know I was still tangled up in feelings for Ryan. I wanted so badly to believe I was fine, that I had moved on.
I put on a good show. I let everyone think I was okay. I let myself think it, too. But no matter how hard I tried to pretend, the marks on my skin told the real story.
When Ryan left, he took a piece of me with him. It was the emptiest feeling. How do you get over someone who is still out there, living and breathing?
I was in so much pain, and I needed a way out. I needed something to make the inside hurt stop. So, for the past year, I made a different kind of hurt. It was not a lot. I just needed to feel something real on the outside to quiet the noise on the inside. That sounds terrible, but it was the only way I knew how to cope. It is not a good method, but for now, it worked.
I did not know what to do with myself. I walked to the bathroom and decided to run a bath. I turned on the hot water and took off my clothes.
I could see them all now, on my arms and legs. The scars and the lines.
I had been so careful to keep it secret. Now Cole knew. He would probably make me stop soon. But not tonight.
I stepped into the warm water and my body went loose. I lay back in the tub. Through the bathroom window, the moon looked huge and full. I wondered if the moon looked the same from every place on earth.
I wondered if he could see it, too.
I was washing my arms when I saw the small tattoo on my wrist. I got it back then to make a point. I was going to leave him, but I did not want him to ever doubt I loved him. So I put his initials on my skin forever.
Now, I wish I could erase it.
I did not even think. My hand just moved, picking up the razor from the edge of the tub.
I want this gone.
I pressed the edge into my skin, right across the tattoo. A thin red line appeared, splitting the two letters in half.
It hurt. Everything hurt so much.
I closed my eyes and let myself slip under the water.
“Next year, after you graduate, I want you to come find me. I’ll be ready for you,” he had said once.
His face was there again in the dark behind my eyes. Those deep blue eyes looking right at me. He smiled, tucking a loose piece of my hair behind my ear. He looked so calm. He always looked so damn calm.
“Saraphina!” A voice called, distant and familiar.
Ryan…?