Chapter 54 You have friends other than me?
NEW YORK CITY
Saraphina
The air in New York felt harsh and biting, like it was punishing me for believing summer would last forever. I had never really noticed how much I disliked this city until now. At night, there were no stars to look for, only rows of glowing windows stacked into the sky. There were no quiet beaches to escape to, only corner bodegas on every block. And worst of all, Ryan Jake Williams was nowhere here. That part hurt the most.
Still, summer ending meant fall had arrived, and the new semester at Columbia had officially begun. I had dreamed about Columbia my entire life. Ever since I was a little girl, this place had been everything. I was finally here, standing inside my dream, and somehow I felt empty.
“This is what you are wearing?” Cole asked, looking me over like a disappointed parent.
“Yeah?” I said.
“It is sixty-five degrees outside. This is New York, not Hawaii. You are not walking into class in a summer dress,” he said, pointing toward my room.
“Fine. I will get a jacket,” I complained.
Cole could be such a fucking mom sometimes. He had been my closest friend since the very first day of high school. We were paired together for a chemistry project back then. Lucky for him, I was great at school. Unlucky for me, he was clumsy and basically a fire hazard. On the first day alone, he burned off part of his left eyebrow with a Bunsen burner. I swear I could not invent that even if I tried.
“You are getting a jacket, right? Not curing the world or something? Why are you taking forever?” he yelled from the living room.
“Patience is supposed to be a good thing, Cole. Try it sometime,” I yelled back.
We were getting ready for our first class at Columbia. He was just as excited as I was, maybe even more. While digging through my suitcase, my fingers brushed over a black hoodie. Ryan’s black hoodie.
There was a time when I thought Ryan was the bad one in our story. Turns out, that was me. I ruined what we had all on my own. I shut down and walked away like I did not care. I told myself it would be easier that way. If he hated me, maybe moving on would hurt less for him.
“Oh, sorry. I did not know you were changing,” Cole said as he opened my door while I slipped out of my dress.
“It is fine,” I said, unfazed, grabbing two sweaters. “Since you are here, red or black?” I asked, holding them up.
“Black. Obviously.”
“Black it is,” I said, tossing the red one aside.
Do not get the wrong idea. Cole and I were only friends. Always had been. One thing you should know about him was that he was way too good-looking to be straight. He was half Korean and half French, which honestly felt unfair to the rest of the world. He had a pretty face, great style, and a family with ridiculous money. He could have had any girl he wanted. He just never wanted them.
Girls chased him all through high school, and he always turned them down. In the four years I had known him, he had never flirted with a girl. I knew he was not ready to come out yet, and I was not about to push him.
“You okay?” he asked when he noticed me staring off into space.
That had been happening a lot lately. Ever since I came back from Hawaii. I barely slept. Food did not interest me. And no matter what I tried, Ryan stayed stuck in my head.
“Still thinking about Hawaii-dude?” Cole asked, crossing his arms.
I nodded weakly. A few days after I returned, he had come over to check on me. I was a wreck, crying over Ryan while shoving Oreos into my mouth. He took one look at me and stayed the night. I told him about Hawaii. About finding my first love and losing him. I skipped the part about Ryan being my stepbrother and never said his name. To Cole, he was just Hawaii-dude.
“It has been two weeks. I thought I would feel better by now,” I said, pulling my hair into a messy bun.
“It has only been two weeks,” he said gently. “Give yourself time.” He checked his watch. “And speaking of time, we need to go or we will be late for class.”
“It is anthropology, not history. Do you even read your schedule?” I said, grabbing my books.
“History, anthropology, old stuff. Same thing,” he said, gulping down milk.
“Where did you get that?”
“Your fridge.”
“That milk was in there before I left for Hawaii!”
He started coughing and sprinted toward the bathroom.
“You are such an idiot. I still do not know how you got into Columbia with me. Who did you bribe?” I said, chasing after him.
KAUAI, HAWAII
Ryan
I never thought this day would actually come. I had been training to go pro since I was fourteen. Five years later, I stood in the airport, ready to step into that life.
California first. Then South America, Europe, Asia, and finally Australia. No breaks. Just waves and planes and movement. This should have been the best day of my life. It did not feel like it.
“Thanks for bringing me,” I said as we reached the gate.
“Call home,” Dad said. “Let us know where you are. If you need anything.”
“Dad, I will be fine,” I said.
Louisa hugged me tight, and I hugged her back. Dad patted my shoulder like he always did.
“Come here,” I said, pulling him into a hug.
When we stepped back, his eyes were wet. The last time I saw him cry was at my mom’s funeral. I hugged him again.
“I will miss you,” I said quietly.
He nodded and wiped his face. “Go. You will miss your plane.”
I took one last look at him and Louisa before walking away. He would be okay. That thought helped.
Goodbye, family.
Her face filled my mind. My chest ached as my hand pressed over my shirt, where her ring rested. It felt like she was still close somehow.
While waiting to board, I opened my laptop and started another email. I had written to her every day for a week. She never replied. This would be the last one. I promised myself that.
Once this plane left the ground, that was the end of us.
Saraphina
Cole and I were sitting in our favorite coffee shop after class. It had been our thing since high school. Same table every time, same orders too. I got a hot mocha, he got a cappuccino, and we talked about classes, people, and whatever else came to mind.
“Hello? Earth calling Saraphina,” Cole said, waving his hand right in front of my face and pulling me out of my thoughts.
“Oh. Yeah, sorry,” I said quickly.
“You were completely gone in anthropology today, you barely touched your drink, and you keep checking your phone every five seconds. You are not exactly winning at life right now, Livingston,” he said, shaking his head.
I sighed. Moments like this made me wish I had more girl friends. But honestly, Cole was close enough.
“Cole… have you ever been in love?” I asked out of nowhere.
He blinked, clearly not ready for that question. “I thought we were focusing on you?”
“We are. I just want another point of view. How do people survive loving someone and then losing them?”
He laughed lightly. “Wow. Saraphina Livingston using the love word. I never thought I would see the day. For a long time, I honestly thought you were asexual.”
“I am being serious,” I said. “Help me. I do not know what I am supposed to do.”
His expression softened. After a moment, he stood up and started gathering our cups and bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked, confused.
“Any guy who does not fight like hell to be with you is not worth crying over,” he said. “You need a distraction. So I am taking you out. Come on.”
My body followed him before my brain even caught up.
“Where are we going?”
“A friend of mine is in a band. They are playing tonight. Indie stuff. They are really good. You will like them.”
“You have friends other than me? Since when?” I teased.
“There it is,” he laughed, pulling me into a loose headlock and messing up my hair.
We wrestled and laughed for a few minutes until I gave up and he collapsed dramatically. For the first time in weeks, real laughter came out of me.
Maybe Cole was right. Maybe I needed to stop drowning in Ryan and actually live my life again.
That night, we headed to The High Line, the newest and most talked-about bar near campus. Cole talked me into dressing up, so I wore a silver sequin dress with a leather jacket. According to him, and I quote, I looked fucking amazing.
The moment we walked inside, music filled the space, voices overlapped, and the smell of alcohol hung in the air. The whole place felt alive.
“Ah, smells like youth,” Cole said, grabbing my hand and dragging me into the crowd.
Then the lights dropped, and a bright beam lit up the stage. Cheers broke out everywhere.
“What is happening?” I asked.
“My friend’s band,” he yelled over the noise.
“What is up, New York City!” a girl shouted as she walked onstage, and the crowd went insane. She was beautiful, with wild auburn hair and knee-high leather boots that demanded attention.
“That is Elle,” Cole said proudly. “She is the lead singer.”
“We are starting with a classic,” Elle shouted. “This one is called Change of Seasons!”
The music kicked in, and without thinking, my head moved along with it. Cole was losing his mind beside me. I scanned the stage casually, until my attention landed on someone.
The guitarist.
Our eyes met, and he smiled. At first, I thought it was meant for everyone. Then I realized it was meant for me. I smiled back, polite and harmless. Or at least I told myself that.
DING.
My phone lit up in my hand.
One new email.
Ryan had been writing to me every single day. I read his messages every night, even though I never replied. Those emails were my lifeline, the last thread tying me to him.
From: Ryan J. Williams
Subject: You do not play fair.
Everything inside me locked up. The music, the crowd, the room all faded into nothing. My thumb hovered over the screen as the question burned in my head.
Should I open it now?