Chapter 24 .......... a private enough place for me to get my answers.
Saraphina
I did not sleep last night. I was up, going through Ryan’s journal again and again. His words were so open, so real. He wrote in a way that made my chest feel tight. How could the same person who told the most vulgar jokes also write things so tender? And, okay, I do not want to sound full of myself, but… are these for me? Am I the ‘S’?
I am not trying to be conceited, but my name does start with a S. And so much of what he described felt like pieces of our days together. Part of me wanted to believe it, but my brain just could not accept it. Ryan made it clear from the very beginning, he thinks love is a joke. This book of poems and the person he shows the world are complete opposites.
Did he even write this? Or did someone else? What the fuck is going on?
I had not seen Ryan in the house for days. After how things ended between us last time, it was uncomfortable. Maybe he was staying away from me on purpose. But I was desperate to see him. I needed to ask him about the poems.
But did I actually want to know the truth? What if he really does care for me? How would that make me feel? Oh, get real, Saraphina. You know you like him. Just admit it. You feel more like yourself, more awake, when he is near, even if he is a self-obsessed man-whore.
Wait, hold on. Yes, I will admit that Ryan is interesting and he is very good-looking. But that does not change anything. He is going to be my stepbrother. The only reason I want to talk to him about the poems is so I can tell him we have to stop whatever this is. We have to kill it before it grows.
We need to learn how to be something like a normal family.
I kept trying to find a moment to talk to Ryan, but he was never around. Before I realized it, the Fourth of July weekend was here. My mom and Clement were so happy about it. They set up chairs and hung decorations in the backyard. Clement was at the grill all day, cooking burgers and hot dogs.
I had promised, so I invited Gabe to the barbecue. My mom adored him right away. She said he was the kindest young man. She even talked him into playing a song on his guitar for everyone. Any other girl would have been swept away, watching Gabe sing by the fire. But not me. My mind was somewhere else.
Of course, I was searching for Ryan.
I knew he could not avoid me tonight. He gave his dad his word he would be here. I thought this was my chance to finally clear the air between us.
And then, as if I had summoned him, Ryan walked into the backyard. Vanessa was trailing right behind him. God. He is with her again?
My heart sank, but I fought to keep my expression calm. Ryan saw me too, but he just turned his head, acting as if I was not even there.
Ryan and Vanessa took seats far from everyone else. Gabe and I were in the middle, near the fire. I tried to focus on Gabe’s song, but my gaze kept drifting back to Ryan, again and again.
I have to talk to him. I cannot stand this any longer.
I was trying to decide if I should go over there when I saw Vanessa stand up and settle into his lap. They were just talking, but then she started to kiss him. His hands were on her back, and her hands were moving all over him.
For fuck’s sake. Do you two need to be alone?
"Saraphina? Saraphina?" Gabe’s voice brought me back.
"Oh? Sorry, what did you say?"
"I asked if you wanted another soda."
"Oh, no thank you. I am fine." I shook my head. Gabe looked where I had been staring and saw Ryan and Vanessa.
"You know, I still cannot believe the guy who was with Maddie is your brother," Gabe said with a dry laugh.
"Stepbrother," I corrected him. "It is a small world, I guess," I laughed, the sound feeling brittle, and I looked at Ryan again. He was still occupied with Vanessa.
"Ugh," was the only sound I could make.
"I know," Gabe chuckled. "What do girls even see in a guy like that?"
"Yeah," I said, the word tasting bitter in my mouth.
"Hey, Gabe, are you doing all right? I mean, with the whole Maddie thing?" I needed to talk about something else.
"Well, seeing the girl I liked for four years get together with your stepbrother was pretty shitty, ha-ha. But other than that, I think I will be okay." He gave me a warm smile. "You have helped a lot," he added.
"Me?" I asked.
"Yes. Spending time with you has been great. I have had a lot of fun," he said. "You made me stop thinking about her."
"I am glad I could help," I smiled back. "That is what friends do."
Gabe gave a small smile and seemed like he wanted to say more, but he stopped. My attention was already slipping away. I looked back at Ryan, who now had Vanessa’s tongue in his mouth.
I cannot stand not knowing. I have to talk to him now!
I meant to wait until the party ended, but I did not think I could last that long. I had his notebook with me, hidden in my jacket pocket. It felt like it was burning a hole right through to my skin.
"Saraphina? Are you okay? You seem somewhere else," Gabe said.
"Yeah, no, I am totally… um, actually, I would like a drink now. Can you get one for me?"
"Of course," he said, setting his guitar down and heading toward the kitchen.
There is no better time than right now.
I realized the perfect moment to talk about this was never going to come, so I might as well do it.
I took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and started walking toward Ryan and Vanessa.
"Ry, can I talk to you for a minute?" I tried to make my voice sound normal.
The two of them broke apart. Vanessa looked me up and down, her eyes narrow and suspicious. She gave me a bored look and went back to kissing Ryan’s neck.
"Right now?" Ryan asked, annoyed.
"Yes."
"I am a little busy."
"I know, but, please," I said again. "It is important."
He sighed and moved away from Vanessa. She was clearly upset, but he told her he would be right back.
I looked around. There were too many people in the yard and the house, so I asked Ryan to come down to the beach with me. Our backyard has stairs that lead right down to the sand. I thought it would be a private enough place for me to get my answers.