Capítulo 54

This time I managed to keep my eyes open. I could see all the blurs that the buildings, trees, pedestrians, and cars had become with the speed, contrasting with the stormy gray of the sky. I could enjoy the invigorating wind from every meter of Nicholas's fast-moving motorcycle that rumbled loudly as if it had a life of its own and enjoyed the adrenaline. I could smile at the delicious sensation of practically flying without wings.

Unlike on the way, we stopped at several red lights. And at none of them did Nicholas even seem to remember that I was right behind him, clinging tightly to his ribs. Even though I could not look into his eyes, I knew that this was Nicholas again. He had locked himself in his impenetrable cocoon again, and I knew that I might never see what was hiding inside of him again. Because I didn't intend to let myself fall into temptation again. I couldn't do that to Steve, no matter how hard it was to resist the attraction that Nicholas exerted on me.

We didn't take long to get to my house. As soon as he parked his motorcycle, I got off and handed him his helmet, which he put on the trunk without even looking at me. I watched him get on the bike again, with his indecipherable expression, and finally got up the courage to say something.

"Hm, thanks..."

As soon as I opened my mouth, a roar of the engine echoed and he was gone. I sighed, not even bothering to finish the word. I should have known from the beginning that this would be the case, Nicholas was not the kind of guy who cared about other people's feelings. At least not the Nicholas I was used to seeing.

I walked into my empty house and calmly went up to my room, not really knowing what to do or what to think. I no longer felt as guilty as I did the first time, and something told me that the reason for this was not the most angelic. I hadn't forgotten that it was wrong, and I hadn't stopped loving Steve, but being with Nicholas was better than almost anything else. Few times have I remembered wanting something as much as I did right now. I wanted to spend all my time feeling the shivers his hands gave me on my body, feeling so desired with just one look, his look, always intense on me as if I would disappear in the blink of an eye.

I wondered for a moment if Nicholas was sorry for taking me to his house, or for what we had done. I wondered if he had had enough of me, if he had really gotten what he wanted, as he once said, but I couldn't convince myself that this was the reason behind his coldness. If he had waited and insisted for so long to finally make me give in, had he managed to get bored so soon? Maybe it was some reason I had no way of finding out, or maybe it was the same feeling I carried with me: guilt for Steve. All right, I take it back, Nicholas felt no remorse or guilt about anything, that was more than clear.

I was so immersed in thought that I only returned my attention to what I was doing when a thunderclap echoed through the house, and I found myself lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I reached into my pants pocket and pulled out the note Steve had given me at school. I closed my eyes, pressing the little piece of paper to my chest, which pulsed in accordance with my racing heart. As guilty as I felt about Steve, which still made me feel like a monster, I was still reflecting on everything I had done to Nicholas. And as much as I tried to think about Steve for the rest of the day, my thoughts kept coming back to Professor Cassano, like an annoyingly broken record, especially in the gray and rainy weather, which only reminded me of the comparison Nicholas had made. That day, the weather really could be compared to my emotional state.

Every time I found myself with nothing to do, those deep brown eyes would come back to disturb me, and when they did, I would turn to Steve's note. His handwriting, struggling to look legible, didn't make me smile anymore, but made me think of only one thing, which, even if I didn't want to, made my body involuntarily complain: the weekend was coming up, and if Steve did what he threatened to do in his note, we would spend it together. Maybe he would take me on a trip, maybe we would stay in his apartment, maybe he would surprise me with some other alternative. But that was not what agonized me.

I couldn't think about Nicholas anymore. For a moment I could have sworn I couldn't. If I was willing to keep all my dirt secret, I couldn't appear thoughtful, nervous, too absent during my weekend with Steve. I had to appear whole, completely happy and full, which were emotions that were a little far from reality. But for Steve, it was all worth it. Even if he wasn't the one who inhabited my endless dreams that night.

"Anne asked as soon as the bell rang at 7:00 a.m. on Friday morning.

I just nodded, not knowing if I was really ready for Steve's surprise. The proximity of the discovery made my stomach turn with curiosity and tension. At least I didn't have to worry about the excuse of disappearing from home for two days, since Anne's mother had to travel for work that very weekend. All I had to do was to use a little bit of my sweet talk and Anne's pout to get Mom to let me accompany her during those two lonely days at home. Poor us, all we needed were angel wings.

"I swear I don't understand you," Anne snorted, suddenly looking annoyed, and I frowned, not understanding. "The man in your life has prepared a surprise for you, and all you can do is look depressed all the time! You look like you're not happy with the wonder you're holding in your hands, God!"

"I'm sorry, Anne, I'm sleepy," I said slowly in an ironically calm tone, as we walked up the school steps to our classes. "I didn't stay up most of the night because I wanted to, you know."

All right, I confess, there's a reason beyond late sleep, and that's behind it too. I mean, Anne didn't need to know that I had been dreaming too much about Professor Cassano, right? She didn't even know that I had come to her apartment! Why tell her everything when I could practice my emotional control and lie to her? It would be so much more productive, and it would help me a lot in future omissions. It's past time to start thinking about the future as well, and not just about relieving the discomforts of the present.