Chapter 55—Brekka

My mom made insane demands of my dad. I don’t recall all of them since I’m the youngest child, but I remember enough. Mom would insist on Parisian food. Brought to her. Dad would fly to Paris and back, but by the time he made it back, she’d have eaten a sandwich and gone to bed. Somehow it was his fault for taking so long on a plane.

Once Mom wanted Dad to plan a perfect family vacation. She was sick of always having to set up everything herself. He talked to Disneyland and booked an entire day for our family. No one else would be present. I have no idea what that cost. Millions, I’m sure, and then Mom had a meeting come up. Dad tried to explain what he’d planned, but it only enraged Mom. She didn’t want him to buy out Disney! That was frivolous and stupid, especially since the other people are part of what makes it all so magical.

If Dad went up, Mom screamed for down. If Dad said dark, Mom only wanted light. No matter what Dad gave, it was never enough. I never considered myself to be much like my mother, but now I’m not so sure. Because I asked Rob to move to Colorado, and now that he’s willing to do exactly what I said I wanted, I want him to take it all back.

Because Rob’s a giver, and that makes me a taker.

Geo said it herself. He gives and gives and gives. She doesn’t think he resents the person who takes over and over, but how can she be sure? And even if he doesn’t resent me now, he will. First it’s move to Colorado, give up your family, your friends, and your job. Then what? Give up your normal hikes. Your normal counters and floors and mobility. Then it’s give up your vacation plans, since I’ve got to work. Then it’s up when he says down. Dark when he says light. Parisian food, until it takes too long and I’m sleeping alone and we’re yelling at each other.

I’d almost rather die than turn into my mother.

I finally realize that I love Rob, and then I discover that he and I may be fatally flawed. I can’t even stand, but if he won’t stand up to me, we’re doomed. He needs to be able to demand something for himself. He needs to ask me to move to Atlanta.

Because if he doesn’t, we’re doomed.

“When would you want me to move?” he asks. “Is October soon enough?”

“Actually, I might have been a little hasty.”

He tilts his head like he’s misheard me. “I’m sorry?”

“Now that we’re talking about it, I don’t think you moving to Colorado is a great plan.”

He nods his head slowly. “It’s fast, that’s for sure.”

“Right. Too fast, don’t you think?” Say no, say no. It’s not too soon. It’s the wrong direction. It’s all Rob’s sacrifice and none of mine.

“But eventually, you see this going that way?” he asks.

Does he mean with him moving to Colorado? Or with one of us moving? “I’m not sure.”

Rob kneels in front of me again. “Do you see yourself with me in five years? Ten?”

I do. I absolutely do. “I’m not sure. I mean, we don’t even live in the same state. And we don’t have much in common.”

Rob’s face shutters like a beach home preparing for a hurricane. “That’s true, we don’t.”

He stands up and doesn’t say another word while we head for the entrance of the park. The cab is waiting for us when we reach the main road. Rob helps me transfer and loads Gladys up without saying a word. He doesn’t slide over next to me on the seat, and he doesn’t take my hand.

What did I say?

We don’t live in the same state. Simple statement of fact, and the topic of our entire conversation. Then I said we don’t have much in common. I close my eyes. Because he’s not even a college grad. He’s not rich. He’s a Marine who sells cars.

Oh, Rob.

I reach for his arm, but when my fingers brush his forearm, he flinches and I shrink back to my side.

I open my mouth to say something, but I’m not sure what to say. Even if I coax him back into talking to me and touching me and kissing me, which I want desperately, unless Rob changes who he is, unless Rob can suddenly demand what he needs, I’m not sure this will ever work. After all, my parents must have loved one another at some point, right? They didn’t start their marriage twisted and damaged like they are now.

When we reach the hotel, I still haven’t figured out what I can say to repair the breach. Or whether I should even try.

“I had a great time,” I finally blurt out.

“Me too.” Rob turns toward me, his eyes soft. “Thank you for coming.”

My heart yearns for him to pick me up and carry me up to my room and throw me down on my stupidly hard mattress. I want him to toss his rules out the window, and tell me he needs me in his life, in Colorado or Georgia or on Mars. I want him to convince me that it doesn’t matter what I think, or what I fear, or how different we are, or how messed up my parents have become.

But he’s Rob.

Rob doesn’t conquer or dominate or force. It’s not who he is, and it’s not who he’ll ever be. Rob carries, and lifts and supports. He can’t be what I’m wishing for. It would destroy everything I love about him all at once. I turn away from him and that wounds him even more.

What’s wrong with me?

Rob walks alongside me all the way to my room. Once I’ve opened the door, he half bows to me, like I’m royalty and he’s my honor guard or something, and walks back down the hall. It feels like someone’s shredding my heart, one ventricle at a time. Why can’t Rob demand what he needs? Why can’t he insist I meet him halfway? I’ll do it, I want to scream. Just tell me what you want, so I know we won’t turn into carbon copies of the unhappiest marriage I’ve ever seen.

But he doesn’t, of course. Rob would never demand anything like that of me.

So I wheel into my big, gorgeous suite and sob into my pillow until the very last moment. Then I drag myself up and put my makeup on, and change into my sky blue sundress. I wheel myself to the door, and then down the hall. I take up my place at Geo and Trig’s wedding like a robot, smiling when I should, and murmuring the right things to everyone.

It’s not until I see Geo walking down the aisle that something cracks my shell. My brother is getting married to the girl of his dreams, to someone I adore. I’m so happy for them. And so I set aside my despair. I set aside my fears and my selfishness and I watch as Geo, the most show stopping, the most generous, the most peerless bride I’ve ever seen walks serenely down the aisle.

Her colors are perfect. Sky blue and black and silver. Her eyes shine brighter than the sapphires on the collar around her neck, a custom designed piece from Trig. Her hair falls in an ebony cascade down her back, a stark contrast to the snowy white of her veil and gown. She’s not dressed like a cupcake: no frills, or beads, or embroidery, and not a speck of lace. No, her pure white, sleeveless silk gown fits her simply, a shining sheath that hugs her immaculate figure and drops to a long, draped train that flows out behind her like a smoothly shimmering waterfall. She clasps a simple bouquet of blue delphinium and delicate white snowdrops in her hands.

But her eyes never leave Trig’s face, and he’s beaming like he’s President of the World. It’s everything I ever wanted for my older brother.