Chapter 45 Conversation We had

Chapter 45 Conversation We had
Rylan told Maerik everything, from the moment they had separated at the border, to when they had met before the games end, up to the point where he'd lost consciousness and Maerik watched with an intensity that made it clear he wasn't missing even a word that was said, The reverie, Daragura, the games purpose, Jakob, the settlement. Maerik listened without uttering a word to interrupt or even doing as much as changing his facial reaction. When Rylan was done he turned back to the forest and stared at the setting sun, A beautiful site despite the veil that covered the sky. Maerik let the silence sit for a moment before he asked.

“Are you ok?” The words were soft and the question held nothing but genuine concern even if his eyes were fixed on the sunset. Rylan shifted slightly before turning back to stare into the house, he saw Peter, a wide smile on his face as he played with one of the players. He turned back to Maerik before shifting his gaze to his fingers as he fiddled with a twig he had picked up.

“I don't think I am.” A pause. “I used to think I was but after all this, I don't think I am.” Rylan exhaled, then pressed his palm to his face. “I deluded myself into thinking I was bringing the kid along for his own safety but in truth I was doing it simply because I didn't want to bare the weight of what will happen when I fail because of my own inadequacy, because no one can blame you for your failure if you never had the chance to win.”

“What do you think now?” Maerik asked, he was making sure to keep his voice as leveled as possible so as to not set Rylan off, He noticed, When they'd first started speaking Maerik had talked in a way meant especially to piss him off but now he was doing the exact opposite, reaching out to his weakness. Rylan stared at a moment as he remembered the scuffle between them, not once during that confrontation did Maerik throw a single punch, All he did was watch and evade with a smile. To an observer it would look like Dravy had easily done something Maerik couldn't do but to someone who had actually experienced it, Rylan knew Maerik wasn't just holding back, he was not even trying to fight.

“I'll get stronger. I never thought about the kid, what It'd be like when the world had finally surpassed my capabilities. I never thought of what I'd do when we got into a fight I couldn't win, I was willing to die without putting up a fight without even considering that it would mean the kid would die also. So I'll get stronger, for his sake and mine, I'll get stronger.”

“You're glossing over something.” Maerik simply said after Rylan finished, he turned to him with a confused look on his face.

“What would that be?”

“You're glossing over the reason you didn't want to put up a fight in the first place, you're glossing over the reason you think you'd fail.”

“I told you I…….” The words refused to come to mind, almost as if there never existed to begin with. For the first time, he thought about it, what was the reason why he wasn't putting up a fight, what reason did he have to want to roll over and die. “I don't know.” His voice sounded defeated and his eyes matched it perfectly. A long pause followed with Maerik just looking at Maerik before he finally spoke.

“Everyone always expected a lot from me. Big kid, I was 5’9 when I was twelve years old.” Rylan turned to him with an interested look so Maerik continued. “I was strong and I was fast so I dominated every sport I played. My father, my mother, relatives, neighbors. People expected greatness from me and I gave it to them, every single time, I gave it to them, then at some point it stopped being an expectation and it became law, it started to feel like I wasn't allowed to fail anymore.” He paused and stared at his hands for a second. “I started having anxiety attacks, then panic attacks…..” He paused, longer. “Then I started thinking about killing myself, so I quit. See I used to love reaching for the stars, but when failure stops being an option….bad things happen.” He stopped then walked to Rylan's side. “You didn't ask to be saddled with the responsibility of the world, you weren't given a chance to reject that opportunity, all you were was a guy who was good at an RPG. It's ok to be overwhelmed, it's ok to be frightened of failure, but it's not ok to quit without trying. Because who says you're going to fail?”
A humored laugh escaped him before he turned his eyes back to the dark sky now vacant of the sun's light.

“I see why you have so many people following you.” Rylan said with a smile. “Just one conversation and I'm willing to go to war for you.” He joked, Maerik laughed then once again a calming silence fell over them, with his eyes staring into the vast darkness of the night Rylan said. “So you don't think I'm going to fail.”
He didn't phrase it like a question but Maerik knew he wanted an answer, and he knew the answer that would ease his mind, but Maerik does not lie.

“I don't know, you may save the world like the deity hoped, you might get killed by his counterpart, you might live up to Jakob's expectation and you might not. We do not know how things will turn out, all we can do…” he offered Rylan a hand. “is keep moving forward, keep doing our best and hope it all works out.” Rylan stared at his outstretched palm for a while before taking it and standing to his feet. He looked at Maerik and smiled.

“Let's move forward then.”