Chapter 34 : Never Fucking Belonged...

***Adrian...***

I was hoping for her to crack and lash out. And as of the late recurrence, my Esclave doesn’t disappoint.

Satisfied to have won the right to push her limits, I plant my feet wide apart and position my hand at the best angle to cover most of her ass when I strike. Ready and in anticipation of the animalistic sounds she makes, I disguise my command in a warning. “I'm making the choice for you. Count for me and I'll stop at 15.”

I don't wait for her nod or verbal understanding. Because I know I won't get any. Only this time. It's her first session, I don't want to break her already. I intend to enjoy her for a very, very long time, have her at my mercy, exactly like this.

I need to go slow, pace my insatiable desire for her to make this new relationship last for that long.

My fingers tighten around the handle of the paddle. I prepare to swing. But before I can follow through, her question, asked in an utterly fragile voice, makes me falter, “do you still love me?”

I lower the paddle with an unsteady sigh and run a hand over my jaw. *Shit, not now.* Coming around to face her, I stare at her bowed head. ‘‘Yes, I do,’’ I declare, surprising myself when I hear the stability in my voice that I don't have.

‘‘Why?’’ She raises her head to look me directly in the eyes. Hers red with unshed tears. ‘‘Don’t shut me out. If you want me to do this, I need to know. I need to have a reason to stay when it all ends.’’

I freeze on the spot, completely immobile.

I try not to, but I see it.

I see the struggle in her eyes, the desperation with which she’s holding herself together. And once again, that makes me second guess myself. I fucking hate that. I abhor that feeling. It shows I've let my emotions get the best of me, all over again.

*No.* I can't allow my pride to rule my actions again. I've done enough damage. It's time to make it up for it. It's time to accept. I've been allowing my pride as a professional dominant to blind my judgement. I put myself first in every situation with her. I took advantage of her lack of choices.

But I can't let it go any further. I can't let my emotions overrule my rationality. No matter what, I can’t lose her. I need her more than I need to breathe now.

And as far as the answer to her question goes…

‘‘I don’t know.’’ I admit, being the most honest I’ve ever been with her. ‘‘I seriously don’t know why I love you, why I want you so much. I have a number of women at my disposal. I shouldn’t need you. It’s completely irrationational and inconvenient for both of us, yet… I can’t get you out of my head.’’

Dropping the paddle at my feet, I move to stand in front of her. Tenderness overwhelms me as I study her pale face, sharp features, and dark brown eyes. She looks heavenly and you don’t treat such creatures like this. She should be cherished and lavished, not beaten into submission.

But that’s exactly what I am doing right now… breaking all of my rules and going against everything that makes me who I am. *This is not who I am.* I realise that when I see myself in the reflection of her eyes. *And I hate what I see.*

Reaching up, I entwine my fingers with hers over our heads and rest my forehead against her. Our breaths mingle. I listen to her quiet sniffles and close my eyes against the waves of pain radiating out from every pore of her, hitting me in waves of heat.

Remorse at my actions threatens to fracture my mind and split me into two bits and pieces. I harden my jaw against it and fight my feelings to concentrate on hers.

I open my mouth to speak.

She beats me to it, whispering in a petal soft voice, full of determination and surprising passion that I could have never expected from her. ‘‘I don’t know why either, but I love you. Too. So very much that it scares me, Adrian. The intensity of my yearning for you frightens me. But I want to face it now. I don't want to run. I want to fight and I want to get over it.’’ Her eyes collide with mine, unwillingness to give up simmering in their dark depths. ‘‘I want you to test my limits. I want you to take me out of my cocoon. I’ll do my best not to faint on you.’’

The corner of my lips curl up in dry humor, as she offers me a tentative smile, so heartbreaking in its strength when you know how much pain and apprehension is hidden behind it.

‘‘Shh,’’ I press my lips against hers to silence her when she motions to speak and appeal to me again, ‘‘I've noticed you’re feeling overly generous today’’—I flash her a quick smile then sober up—‘‘but I am not worthy of it. Neither your fight, nor you.’’

‘‘Don’t say that.’’ She protests with a warmth in her voice that melts some of my guilt away. But not all.

‘‘Hush. I’m not letting you go, okay? You have to understand that. I can’t do that. It’ll kill me.’’ I inhale and stare deeply in her wide eyes. ‘‘Let me finish, then decide if you should fight yourself for me or not, okay?’’

“Just one more thing then I'll shut up.” She pleads. I nod. “Free me. My shoulders are going to pop. You can restrain me again, after we've sorted out everything.” She blushes. “If you want then.”

I shake my head, indulging her innocent charm before I drown her into my darkness. “I will always want to restrain you. But don't think that it's only for my pleasure.” I capture her eyes as I uncuff her left hand, let her work out the kinks and move to the other. “It's for your own better. You don't want to get more hurt than how much I'm hurting you while you struggle.”

“There should never be any struggle or hurting and pain.” I tense up, listening to her matter-of-fact tone that always rubs me the wrong way. But I don't say anything. I can't. As always, she's right in her opinion. I release her other hand from the cuff and step back.

She steps with me, closer to me. Way too close. And immediately after crushing all of my excitement with mere words, she drops a fucking atom bomb on me. “But I think I like it. A little, maybe. I don't know...”

I capture her shoulders ferociously before she can pull away. “Tell me. If we want to make this work, we'll have to be honest to ourselves and to each other. Tell me exactly how you felt when I whipped you. I want to know everything.”

She curls her fingers around my wrists and squeezes gently, whispering like an angel, “you go first. Tell me everything. I want to know too.”

I exhale heavily and reel in my emotions. Drop my arms and paddle back to press against the bars of the animated cage and put some space between us. She follows suit and sits down as I slide down to the stage floor and lock my hands around my knees.

Her naked bottom hits the floor, she winced. I lips curl in a wry smile, feeling just as satisfied as guilty for taking pleasure in her discomfort. *I was supposed to be a dominant. When did I become a sadist?* The unexpected line of my thoughts disturbs me so much that when I come out of my reveries and find Pearl sitting back on her heels, I lose it right there and almost tackle her to the floor. *What the actual fuck? Is she trying to test me in such a delicate moment? This girl has gone mad.*

“What the fuck do you think you're doing!?” I bark at her, bending my knees closer to my chest and unlocking my hands to fist the bar over my head that's pressing into my spine.

She jumps then scowls at me. *She scowls. At me. The nerve of this girl…* “What? I can't sit in Indian style. You have to realise that. It still stings.” *That damned blushing again. God, so help me… she's torturing me here.*

Cursing profusely under my breath, I avert my gaze from her naked breasts and try not to think too much about what her current position suggests. Instead, I reach for the black shirt I had asked her to take off and toss it for her to catch and command, “cover yourself and if you don't want me to make that sting burn, sit properly.”

If we weren't going to have a fucking "heart-to-heart" right now, I would have certainly rewarded her with a mind-splintering orgasm for coming up with that all on her own. No directions or command needed. But the girl bent over hell to do every right thing at the wrong time. *What a fucking tragedy my life has become!*

“Why are you acting like this?” She wisely refrains from using the word "asshole", which certainly fits me better than "dominant" but I'm grateful for thoughtfulness anyway. At last, she figures out it's not the right time to push me. I'm already on the fine edge.

She waits for my reply with an utterly patient look on her face, which soothes out her stunning features and once again, shows me why I think of her as a goddess. *My Nyx...*

“I'm still getting used to being on edge all the time, okay? So, just bear with me.” I say, struggling to get a grip on my crude behaviour, which seems to be getting worse and worse.

I need to tell her everything before I break.

Making sure that she's listening to my thoughts only when I insinuate, I lock eyes with her and regulate my breathing as I begin, “there are certain rules in my world that everyone has to follow and everyone does. When I dragged you down to the hotel with me, I made my first mistake there. I—” I break off, struggling to admit the blunder of a crime I am so guilty for. Not one, but way too many to count.

“Go on. I'm listening.” She coaxes, voice punishingly soft.

I flinch. I made her doubt herself again. “I know. It's not you. It's me.”

“Why do you hide behind yourself, Adrian? Why do you use your emotions as weapons?” She asks me. Same tone, same resilience. And I'm unable to take it.

She has already warmed her way deep inside me. She's not only under my skin; she's into my head. And she doesn't even realise that. She just admitted her true feelings for me. *She fucking loves me.* And it all manifested despite the way I treated her. Her stark relief at acceptance was the living proof of the purity and depth of her love for me. A love that I doubt I'll ever be worthy of.

Collecting strength from her feelings and fragile faith in me, I continue. “The women I rescue with my team, I address them as subjects and categorize them in several groups, depending upon the extremities of their trauma, and treat them under infallible care at my Rehabilitation center. It's my responsibility to safely get the subjects to the Rehab. But in your case, I took you with me. Alone.”

“I don't have any excuse for it. I was acting purely out of selfish reasons and some suspicions. I could have stopped myself at the hotel, when you told me that Balthazar had kept you drugged most of the time. It was a very important factor, drug abuse. But I decided to handle it in my own way and asked my doctor to take your blood sample and test them without notifying the council. That was the first time I broke both my personal rules and standard protocols. All for what? To torment you.”

I let out a bitter, self-deprecating laugh, excruciatingly aware that I'm slowly extinguishing her blazing flame of hope from the inside. But I can't stop now. She has to know.

“I broke the second time when I tried to manipulate you to have sex with me, though I knew it was strictly off limits. It could've caused potential damage, on integral levels. But I took the risk. My need to have you ruled over my conscience to heal you first. Though the thing was that I never saw you as weak. All I could see in you was strength and loads of fucking heat to take me on without any effort. But I just couldn't get past your defenses. You had way too many and you kept pulling them up as soon as I tore through one or two.” I complain, and feel ashamed for it as I admit, “It drove me mad. You were able to fight your attraction while I was losing it every damned time. So, I forced you into it, leaving you with no way to escape. Thinking that would make me feel like I was in control. You couldn't have done anything but accept and...”

“Yet,” she speaks up, cutting me short. “I remember you tried to pull away even after I surrendered beneath you on the bed. I had to force you to finish, which I didn't realise until the next morning.”

“Guilt was driving me then,” I explain, “and a twisted sense of power. I had made up my mind to separate myself from you and all my emotions and embrace the cold fury that would help me conquer the world.”

“The world?” Her chocolaty eyes widen with barely concealed disbelief and amusement. “That sounds like a big deal.”

“You can laugh at me if you want.” She does, just a fit of giggles and the mellow sound further soothes the swell of my guilt like healing balm. “That didn't last either. I just couldn't get you off my mind. You enticed me not only with your beauty, but with your mind as well. And you still do that. You can be so brutally logical in one moment and an emotional wreck in the next. I couldn't figure you out.”

“I went as far as thinking that you were suffering from some kind of dementia. But demented people can't find balance, while you swung back to being in control everytime I left you disgruntled. It was so damn annoying that I began to think that you might be able to handle my sickness, give me what I need without losing yourself. And you do, sometimes, reading my mood correctly and pushing or pulling as I want you to. But there are times when you give me way too much or nothing at all. That's when my urges are at their peak, begging me to see you restrained, to teach you what I like and how I like it.”

“But according to your word principles, that's wrong.” Pearl concludes quietly, both shocking and pleasing me.

“Yes. Nothing should be forced. You're allowed to fight it. But you can't force it. It's considered a crime in my world, punished with a lifetime of suspension and disintegration of my practice license.”

“Ooh.” She exclaims softly, frowning as she concentrates. Coming to a new conclusion, she inquires in puzzlement. “So, that's why you stopped every time it got too extreme for you?”

I mimic her frown. “What do you mean? I've never gone extreme with you.”

She blanches. “Wait—You mean to say that all those times you went savage on me, threatened with bloodthirst then stopped… you did it all for me? Because it was extreme only for me!?”

“Wasn't it? I am not blind, okay? I saw your reactions. I wouldn't break you. I couldn't. I want you way too much to lose you because of my mistakes.” My frown deepens as I release the bar and shift to my knees, crawling a little closer as she keeps stare at me with that strange look of dark terror in her eyes. “I don't get your point, Pearl. What are you thinking?”

She shakes her head. Words come out of her hesitant mouth but break off before I can capture them and understand what's going in that overthinking mind of hers. I really begin to worry when I brush her knee and she flinches. My concern reaches its limit when she scoots away on her hands, even before I can reach for her.

“Esclave…” I warn her in a low, desperate voice. Need to beg her to come back to me and command her to stop scooting away from me, clash in my mind, fighting for dominance. I'm still struggling to make up my mind… When she attacks my heart and I'm unable to protect myself, unable to stop her from killing me alive.

“Please don't come near to me anymore. I don't want you to touch me. I just want you to let me out of here. I have to get out, Adrian. *Now!*”

My heart stutters, then splinters completely. “But I just explained everything…”

She sniffles. *She fucking sniffles like I've hurt her in some way!* “Yes, I know. But I didn't promise you I'd understand.”

“Okay.” *She doesn't understand.* “You don't understand.” *I laid my heart out for her to accept, she chose to crush.* “Okay” *It's absolutely okay.* “I'll get you out.”

*Yes, I'll get her out.*

Not only from this cage of bars… But also from the attachment I had caged her into.

*She doesn't understand…*

I stand up and walk over to where she has folded into a ball on the floor. “I'll get you out of here, *Rose Danforth*. You don't understand… because you don't belong here. *Thank you* for making me see the truth that I've been avoiding for so long.”

Turning to the side, I stop near the wooden frames and reach behind the middle one to press the button which will retract the bars and reverse the settings. Within five minutes, all the bars and stands disappear and the wild green lighting switches back to the normal fluorescent white.

I don't bother to look back as I hop off the stage and throw over my shoulder before exiting the room.

“You never fucking *belonged*.”