"Good morning, mother."
"Good morning, Katherina"
We gathered at the dining table for breakfast which I was not hungry for but would have to force down my throat so my mother would not be upset with me.
"So, you've started packing?"
She questioned, her gaze looming on my face as though she was looking for something. Maybe she wanted to see if I was alright.
I plastered a smile and nodded.
"Yes, mother."
"Are you sure?"
"Mother, are we still talking about the same thing or…?"
"Or what?"
"If you're indirectly asking whether I'm fine or not, yes I am."
I was the reason behind our leaving, exposing how scared and vulnerable I was seemed a bit selfish. I had to be strong for what I'd brought upon us.
"Okay."
I gently stabbed a forkful of scrambled eggs, slowly bringing them to my mouth and chewed without even the slightest interest in the food.
"I should be asking if you're okay."
I said after swallowing the eggs that stopped at my throat, refusing to go down. It had mixed with the emotions clogging there. I had to drive it down with the cup of tea she'd made.
"I'm fine, Kathy. Don't worry about me."
"You're my mother, I should worry." Especially when it's all my fault.
But I did not dare say that out loud.
"No, it's my duty as your mother to worry about you. You just keep being the young girl you are."
She reached across the breakfast table to place her hand on top mine and patted gently.
"Okay, mother."
"So we'll be leaving by midnight. Remember that was the deadline given to us in the pack, by the Alpha."
"Yes, I remember."
How could I forget the most humiliating day of my life when my mother and I had been made to stand before the Alpha and his elders? How they coldly banished us without a second thought. The snickers, the hushed mocking whispers amongst sea of pack members who had attended just to see us humiliated. Age mates who thought I was weird, older werewolves who saw me as some sort of taboo that didn't deserve to live amongst them, younger ones who were told I was a curse and were strictly advised to stay from me so my curse would not rub off on them. I hurt badly but I was getting used to it and would not have been bothered much if they had not extended that same hand of contempt and humiliation towards my mother. Her crime? She was related to and associated with me.
"Are you crying, Kathy?"
I shook my head, hoping she'd believe and let go. I could not trust myself to talk.
"I'm sorry."
"You should not be, mother. I should be sorry."
"And why?"
The warning glint in her eyes was enough to make me swallow my answer to that question.
"These people are wicked, mother."
"I understand, Kathy. It hurts, I know and I feel so helpless and irresponsible right now."
"Irresponsible?"
"As your mother I should be able to help you. To give you a better life. Maybe it is my fault that we're in this mess. Maybe there was something I'd done in the past unknowingly that might have made the Moon Goddess angry with me and you're paying for it."
Her fork clattered on her plate still filled with her breakfast. Ever since the humiliating verdict from the Alpha and the Elders of the pack, food became a luxury we cared less for. The stigma and shame of it all was murdering enough.
"No, mother. Don't say that."
"What else do you want me to say?"
Her face had been cupped in her hands. When she looked up at me, I saw exhaustion, pain, regret and sadness. A deep kind of sadness that resonated within my soul and made it wail in great melancholy.
"Anything but that."
I cleared my voice thick with emotion and blinked my eyes to stop the tears from falling but I didn't quite succeed as a lone tear fought its way out and down my cheeks.
"I'm making you cry."
She intoned sadly.
"I'm sorry."
"I don't like to hear you say that. You have nothing to be sorry for. You're a beautiful, smart young woman but the myopic Alpha and his ignorant subjects won't see that."
Her utterance was quite low but I did not miss the aggression in them. She was beginning to grow angry and my mother, though she was a nice and wonderful person, her anger was usually destructive. It was worse when she was in her wolf form. I abandoned my food and side of the table to her own side.
"It's okay mother. I don't know how or when, but we'll both be fine. I think."
Those words were to comfort my mother. I did not even believe them. How do we survive as rogues? Being a rogue was the lowest form of werewolf, they were outcasts who no one held respect for. That badge of dignity and respect was gone as soon as one became a rogue. Even the lowest clan in a pack had more respect and dignity than a rogue. That was how low they had sunk I and my mother. We were made strays with no hope for survival.
"I guess."
She passed me a wobbly, teary smile. I used my thumb to clear tears away from her beautiful face. It was hard to believe she had given birth to me. She looked very young. I returned the smile, hoping it was not as wobbly as hers.
"I guess."
She rubbed her palm against the back of my hand.
"Go finish your breakfast before it gets cold."
I obediently went back to my seat despite not being hungry. I wanted to please her, it was the least I could do. I ate my food without tasting any of it. My mother was a wonderful cook but I was not just feeling it. The nerves knotted tight would not let me concentrate or even think.
"How far have you gone with your packing, mother?"
"I have done some last night. You?"
"I'd start as soon as breakfast ends."
She nodded. "Okay."
I watched her eat, stuffing her face. But I didn't think she was enjoying it one bit. She was putting on a show for me just as I was pretending to her too. We would always look for each other, as long as we were together.
"The food is good, mother."
"Oh, thank you Kathy."
"You always were a good cook."
"You can always learn."
I gave a careless shrug. "Maybe. Let's see."
"You hate cooking."
"Not really."
I was trying not to make it too loud how much I hated cooking.
"Yes, really."
"Well…Uhm…" I was trying to argue. "It's true." I surrendered. There was no use lying. She knew me too well, moreover I didn't have any valid point to oppose hers.
She chuckled.
Soon breakfast was done, I cleared the table to go wash the dishes. If could not cook, at least I'd help by washing the plates. I was filling the sink with water when she came inside kitchen.
"What is it, mother?"
"I want to go for a walk. To clear my head before the whole packing."
"Are you okay?"
No matter how many times we tried to forget the issue and pretend it was fine, we were still going to be unexpectedly hit by reality. I guess she'd felt sad going to her room to continue her packing - a stinging reminder we were no longer part of a pack.
"Yes. I just want to walk around, see the pack for the last time."
"Okay, but be careful."
"Won't you come with me?"
"No. I'd want to get started on my own packing."
We both knew I wasn't that strong to withstand the deliberately loud taunts and mean words. But mother knew how to ignore them.
"Okay, see you when I'm back."
"Be back early."
"I will."
And she was gone.