Chapter 68 Desire Without Shame

Chapter 68 Desire Without Shame
ZAYN

I don't know what the hell I was thinking, indulging in that bullshit Ashleigh started.
But then again, I wasn't exactly in my right mind.
She wasn't either.
The weed and alcohol had turned everything hazy and hot and far too easy. Boundaries dissolved. Logic disappeared. All that was left was raw need and the powerful feeling of finally having her again, even if it meant sharing her for one reckless night.

I don't regret the sex.
I enjoyed it more than I should have…the way she moaned between us, the way her body took both of us, the way she came so hard she couldn't even speak.
It was filthy, intense, and strangely satisfying.
The only thing that still doesn't sit right with me is sharing her with Ryan.
That part still burns hard in my chest.
I watch her now, desperately trying to contain the situation as he completely loses his shit in the middle of the bedroom.

"We were high," she says, trying to stay calm.
He shakes his head, interrupting her. "I'm not fucking talking about that, I…"
Throwing the covers off, he scrambles out of bed, yanking his shorts on with shaking hands. "Oh my god… this is bad, this is so bad"
"Relax," I say flatly, starting to grow agitated at his behaviour.
He's acting like a fucking child.
Ryan's eyes immediately shift to me.
"Relax?" He repeats, his eyes growing angry.

"I don't have a problem with the threesome, Zayn, but you're… you're siblings for fuck's sake." He gestures frantically between Ashleigh and me. "You shouldn't, we shouldn't… Gosh, I'm gonna puke."
Ashleigh starts to get dressed slowly. I know she must be in pain, sore from all the action last night.
Being used that good has its consequences, and it is brutal.
Ryan suddenly stops pacing and stiffens. When I notice the colour drain from his face, I know the pieces just clicked together in his head.

"Wait… why aren't you two freaking out?" he asks, his gaze darting between us in a suspicious and horrified way.
"You should be losing your minds right now. The weed made us… it made you…"
Ryan trails off when the realisation smacks him in the face. "Oh my God," he says again, but this time his voice is dead. Hollow. "This isn't the first time you two have…" He gestures weakly at the messy sheets. "You've done this before."
Ashleigh guiltily averts her gaze from him.
"Yes," I answer for both of us in a calm, honest tone.

Ryan stares at me, flabbergasted. The shock on his face is so raw it almost hurts to witness.
I don't know why I'm feeling guilty, too, all of a sudden.
It's because you like him. A voice whispers in my head.
Because you know he's a good person and undeserving of your messed-up bullshit.
"Is that true, Ash?" Ryan asks, looking at Ashleigh for extra confirmation.
I roll my eyes.
Like I'd lie about something like that.

Ashleigh swallows hard, forcing herself to meet his gaze. "Yes."
The silence that follows is strong enough to suffocate.
Ryan stands frozen at the foot of the bed, staring at us in utter disbelief.
Then the shock breaks.
"How is that even possible?" he whispers harshly, gesturing between Ashleigh and me.
"This makes no sense. Aren't you…" He takes a breath because he's visibly distressed. "Aren't you disgusted?"
I frown. "Why would I be?"

Ryan lets out a bitter laugh of disbelief. "I don't know… maybe because you grew up with her?" He bites back sarcastically, the words dripping with disgust. "Maybe because she's your fucking sister? Or did that little detail slip your mind?"
Ashleigh flinches at the venom in his tone. "It's not like that," she squeaks.
"Not like that?" Ryan's voice rises. "You've been sleeping with your own brother, Ashleigh!"
"You need to calm down," I groan. My head hurts like a bitch. "Before you wake up the whole house."

"Don't tell me to calm down." Ryan snaps. "I just…" he stops abruptly, shutting his eyes and taking a deep breath.
When he opens them again, they're blank.
"For how long?" He asks. The question is directed at Ashleigh, but I respond.
"Three years."
Ryan stiffens, growing even more pale. "Zayn…what the hell?"
His voice cracks with hurt, and I feel bad.
Ryan runs both hands through his hair, trying to process the information and failing. "This is so fucked up," he mutters to himself.

"It's more than what you think," I say.
"All this time… the way you looked at him in the hospital," Ryan continues, ignoring me. "...the way you wouldn't let me touch you."
He looks at Ashleigh again. "It wasn't just worry. It was guilt. You were in love with him the whole time."

He stops pacing, his eyes full of anger, betrayal, and heartbreak all mixed.
"Did you even care about me at all?" He asks.
"Yes," Ashleigh whispers honestly. "Yes, I did. I still do."
He scoffs, shaking his head. "No, I was just a placeholder. Someone to keep your bed warm while you waited for him to wake up."
"Ryan, no. I was with you before Zayn even got into that accident."

She steps toward him, but he backs away instantly, holding up a hand. "Please, just..."
The silence returns.
"Look, Ryan," I say, getting up.
Ryan's eyes fall briefly to my dick, then he looks away quickly, his teeth grinding hard.
I pull on my pants. "She didn't plan this. Neither of us did. It just happened, years ago. And we've been trying to figure it out ever since." I drag up my zipper.
"You know what the problem is?" He asks rhetorically.
"The problem is that you're sick," he spits, facing Ashleigh. She flinches hard, taken aback by the harsh words.

"Watch your words, dude," I warn. "I like you, but I won't let you disrespect Ashleigh."
Ryan guffaws. "You're sick too." He says again, brazenly. "Both of you. Thinking this is normal. Thinking you can just… fuck each other and drag me into it like it's nothing."
"We didn't drag you into anything." I snap. "Last I checked, you eagerly indulged in last night's activities."
"But now I know about the revolting secret between you two," he snaps.

"It would've been revolting if we were blood related," I reply in frustration. "But we're not. We never were. So I don't see why this is such a big fucking deal to everyone."
"It is a fucking big deal! Your parents raised you both under the same roof. And now you're telling me it's fine because you're not blood-related? That makes it okay? Spare me, please. "
He's still glaring at me when Ashleigh speaks again. "Ryan, calm down, please," she begs, glancing nervously at the door.
The last thing we need is someone waking up and hearing this."

He shakes his head. "I'm so disappointed in you, Ash, I can't even look at you right now."
Ryan sighs deeply, then presses his hands against his eyes. "I need to get out of here."
"You can't just leave," I say, stepping toward him. "Where would you go? You don't have a car. You don't…"
"I'll figure it out," he growls. " I can't sit here and pretend what happened was normal .. pretend this is normal."
He glances at the bed again. "For fucks sake, pretend I didn't…" He gestures wildly at the bed. "With you two when you're…"

"Siblings," I finish flatly. "Say it, Ryan, it's not gonna hurt your tongue. Besides, we know what we are."
He scoffs in disbelief. "Clearly you don't."