Chapter 53 A Necessary Distance

Chapter 53 A Necessary Distance
I step around her until I'm standing directly in front of her again.
"Did you start something with him because you wanted to hurt me back?" I ask quietly. My voice is controlled, but my chest feels like it's being crushed from the inside out. "Because I know you, Ash. I know how you get when you're wounded. You don't just bleed… You make sure the other person bleeds worse."

She looks up at me slowly, her brown eyes glossy with tears.
"Zayn… I'm sorry," she says shakily. "You have no idea how much I hated myself when you came for me and almost died."
"Me almost dying wasn't your fault," I reply, my tone firm but tired. "That was an act of God."
Holding her gaze, I push forward anyway, needing the truth more than I need any sort of comfort.
"What I want to know is if you were with Ryan to punish me." My jaw tightens. "And I want the truth this time. No more lies."

Ashleigh hesitates.
Her eyes search my face, almost like she's trying to measure how much damage the truth will cause.
Then her shoulders sag. "Yes," she whispers.
It feels like a knife cutting through my chest.
I nod slowly, even as the pain spreads through me like poison.
Then I turn away from her.

She lunges forward, grabbing my arm before I can take a step. "Zayn, wait. Listen to me, please."
"You used him to get back at me," I cut in, pulling my arm free. My voice is low but sharp. "Ryan's a good guy. And you used him."
For a split second, the sadness on her face cracks.
Something harder and colder replaces it.
Her brows pull together as she scoffs.
"Are you seriously trying to play the good guy right now?" she snaps. "Because last time I checked, back in L.A., you and I were messing around behind his back."

"So now you're deflecting, huh? Right on cue." A short, humourless laugh leaves my mouth. "Go on. Deflect. Never be accountable for your own shit, try and blame me too." I hold her gaze. "You're really good at that, Ashleigh."
She doesn't back down. Her eyes flashing with anger and defiance, "Don't fucking act like you haven't put me in a similar situation. Remember that time you were with Maya? Even after I broke up with Bob? That's exactly how I felt, too."

I freeze.
She's doing it again.
Ashleigh has this ugly attitude where she flips the script even when she knows she's wrong. When she knows she fucked up and can't face it.
She throws whatever she can at me, even if it makes no sense. Anything to shift the spotlight. Anything to make me the villain so she doesn't have to look at her own reflection.
My fists clench at my sides so hard my knuckles ache.
I'm so angry that I go quiet for a second, absorbing the hit and letting it burn through me before I speak.

"What the fuck, Ash?" The words come out low, hissed between my teeth. "You're really gonna stand here and act like that shit happened recently? Like it wasn't fucking last year?"
"Doesn't matter," she fires back. "It still happened."
I shake my head slowly, not knowing why this attitude of hers still shocks me.
"Let me remind you in case you conveniently forgot," I utter coldly. "I got with Maya because you told me to. You literally pushed me toward her. And the second we were good again, I ended it."

She's looking away now, her eyes fixed on the wall.
"I never hid it. I never lied. I never made you guess where I fucking stood."
The anger running through my veins is enough to start a fire.
"And now you're standing here," I continue, stepping closer. "Trying to make this about me? About something that happened early fucking last year that you orchestrated? Nah." I shake my head. "That's not how this works."

Tension brews heavy in the air, full of everything we've never said, everything we've buried under apologies and sex and pretending the past doesn't still hurt.
Ashleigh finally looks at me, her eyes starting to shine with regret.
I see the crack. The flicker of guilt she can't hide.

"You wanna talk about betrayal?" I say quietly. "You wanna talk about pain? Then look at what you fucking did." I point to her.
"And now that you know the truth, now that you know she staged the whole thing, sent those pictures to mess with you… you're still trying to flip it. Still trying to make me the bad guy. Still trying to drag up last year like it erases what you did to me this year. How fucked up is that?" I ask rhetorically. "How fucked up are you?"

"Zayn…" she starts to say, but I silence her with a raise of my hand.
"I'm not perfect," I say. "I never claimed to be. But I've never once chosen anyone over you, Ashleigh. Not Maya. Not anyone. And I never would've let a couple of pictures, real or fake, make me throw us away without a fight."

I take in a long, deep breath that burns all the way down to my lungs before speaking again. "You want to know what fucks me up the most?"
I don't wait for her to answer.
"It's that after everything, after all these years, after every time I showed up for you, after every time I chose you…you still don't know who I fucking am."

Ashleigh's bottom lip trembles. "I'm sorry," she whispers in a small voice. "Forget I said any of that." She reaches for me. "Forget I brought up the thing with Maya last year. I wasn't thinking and…"
I step away before her fingers can touch me. "Now you want to take back the fucking ugly, cutting words that left your tongue not long ago?" I scoff again. "There's no need for that. They only reminded me that deep down, you still think I'm capable of the worst."
"No," she whispers, bowing her head in shame.

"I've loved you through every fight and mistake, Ashleigh. Through every time we almost lost each other. But love doesn't mean I'm gonna let you keep hurting me and then act like I'm the one who needs to apologise."
She lifts her head to look me in the eye.
"I don't want you sleeping in my room anymore."
Her brows knit together in confusion. "What?"
My chest tightens painfully, but I force the words out anyway.
"I can't lie next to you knowing how easily you believed I could betray you."

Her face softens again. "Zayn, if you would just…"
"Knowing you shut me out like I meant nothing," I continue, my voice rougher now, "and chose to hurt me back instead of just talking to me."
I run a hand through my hair, exhausted.
"I'm not asking you to leave the apartment," I say finally. "I'm not kicking you out."
I look away for a moment before finishing.
"I just can't be close to you right now."

The silence that follows is suffocating.
When I finally look back at her, my eyes feel colder than I want them to be.
My tone is steady and final.
"So please, Ash… my room is off-limits."
Her lips part slightly, like she wants to argue, but no words come out.
"And so am I."