Chapter 14: Goodbye My Love

Chris walked into the house just in time to see Jada tumble off the last step and land on the Brazilian Walnut flooring with a thud that echoed through him and settled in his memory. Playing on repeat in his chaotic mind. Chris despised himself for not being fast enough, for not being there to keep her from falling and for bringing Nina back into their lives.

Chris could still see how the blood pooled around Jada’s eerily still body, he could still smell it. He remembered the warmth of her belly, of his babies, as they kicked for the last time against his palm. His heart was breaking without making a sound. Chris felt like he would forever be in that moment, hands scarlet and sticky, the copper smell invading his nostrils. It was yet to hit him, what that blood meant, but he waited for it. The exquisite pain of loss that teaches lessons in life in a way nothing else can. It would come, once the anger and the shock gave it room, he was sure it would come.

A picture of Nina standing at the top of the staircase, a smug look on her face flashed before his eyes and wouldn’t leave. She at the top of the stairs like a victor and Jada at the bottom, crushed. The scene befuddled him, refused to give word or heed to the reality happening around him. As he stared on, a stillness settled within him like fractured pieces of time. This had to be a nightmare, there was no way it was real. God wouldn’t be that vicious.

Kat walked towards him, as his family gathered around him in a show of support. Her shoulders drooped, her red eyes floated in unshed tears, and grief etched obvious on her face. As she Kat got closer, the curse she had put on him played in his mind, Christopher, one day you will cause enough damage to ruin your life and the lives of those around you. This was it; this was that day.

Dear God, you can take the babies but don’t take Jada, a guiltless prayer echoed in his mind. He stopped breathing, stopped thinking, stopped time itself from intruding between one heartbeat and the next, and waited.

“The babies didn’t make it,” Kat sobbed. “They were little girls.”

“And Jada?” Chris heard Jessica.

“She lost a lot of blood, but she’s responding well,” Kat said with a sad smile.

It was as if his heart had been ripped from his body, yet it beat in his chest all the same. The proof that he and Jada were once something, the hope that lived in her was gone. Two precious souls moved on while to others lay crushed in a bloody bed or a memory that would stay with them forever.

“Chris?” Kat reached out to touch him and he recoiled in fear.

“I need to wash my hands,” Chris mumbled.

“You already washed them when you came in. Remember? Duke brought you clean clothes to change into too,” Kat’s troubled voices went in one ear and left through the other.

Chris held out his hands and stared at them. The blood-stained his hands and burned his mind. A sickness crawled within him as he tried to scrub stains that only he could see. Etched into his mind, an eternal reminder of the sins that he had committed.

“Chris!” Duke called out to him then shook him. “Are you alright? Kat asked if you want to see Jada.”

Chris looked from his brother to his sister. He felt so lost, diving deeper into the darkness that was his life, but today he was afraid no one would be able to pull him out. The abyss that he had now fallen into was darker than most, more frightening, more dangerous and he had dragged Jada along with him. That darkness was now calling out to him and in his state of mind went along with it.

What would seeing Jada accomplish now? Wouldn’t be better if he just walked away from her, before he pulled her even deeper. If he had let her go before, if he hadn’t given in to his feelings, she would be fine, and the babies would still be alive.

Chris looked at his siblings’ expectant faces. He was going to say no, and it was like they knew he would. So, they did not wait for his response, Duke took his arm and dragged him along as Kat led the way. They always did what was in his best interest, but what about Jada? How would she react when she opened her eyes and saw the man who killed their unborn children? Chris felt a dark cloud settle over his soul, a thunder cloud.

Kat had him dress up in a gown, gloves, and a mask. When they walked into her intensive care room, all Chris could see were machines and IVs attached to Jada, and all he could hear were the beeping of machines. Jada seemed to disappear beneath them all. Emotions like the waves on a shore that got swept out in a furious rush coursed through him, only to come gliding back with calm and serenity when his gaze settled on her peaceful face. It was like she was just sleeping.

Chris walked over to her bed, his gaze examining the length of her. The slight swell at the center of her body cheated him that his babies were still there. With trembling hands, he reached out and lay a gentle touch on her belly. He expected his babies to kick against the new warmth, but nothing, because they weren’t there anymore. Chris clawed at his heart as it beat in his chest painfully. Out of the corner of his eyes, he caught something red on her arm, upon further inspection he noticed it was an IV the red tube led up to a bag of blood that hung over Jada’s bed.

A wave of nausea hit him, as his mind seized, his vision greyed, and body shook violently. Chris stumbled back into Kat’s arms. But her small stature couldn’t hold him up, instead Kat eased him to the ground. Her fingers pressed against the pulse point of his neck, as Chris struggled for breath.

“It’s just a panic attack, calm down you’ll be fine,” the urgency in Kat’s voice confirmed to Chris that nothing was going to be fine ever again.

***

Grief is like the ocean: it's deep and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair. Diminished by time and faith and love. Samantha Walker was standing in front of her, in Haley James Scott’s classes, reading to her.

Why am I dreaming of One Tree Hill right now? Jada had binge-watched the show when it was on Netflix and had become obsessed with it, but it didn’t explain why HJS and Sam were in her dreams.

Jada tried to move to her side and groaned when the pain held her in place. She quickly gave up, giving in to the uncomfortable position she was in. She resigned herself to being uncomfortable, which was inevitable with her third trimester approaching, especially with twins.

My little girls, wait, was that intuition. Jada wanted to be surprised by the gender of her babies when they were born.

An insistent beeping above Jada’s head invaded her thoughts and was slowly driving Jada crazy. She didn’t have an alarm; Jada naturally woke up at six a.m. every morning. She rarely slept in.

A slash of pain cut through her heart. Her hands went over her belly and immediately she felt the emptiness that was there. With the pain came a rush of memories. Jada wasn’t in her bed, she was in the hospital. Her babies weren’t there anymore.

The ache was grief, claiming her heart and soul. She had fallen, no had been pushed down the stairs, Jada remembered. Bewilderment anger and a desperate need to know why asserted itself in her mind.

Grief was like the ocean, Jada floated on its waves as they ebbed and flowed. At the moment the water was calm, but she knew that soon they would be overwhelming. She had experience in this. Losing her father had taught her about loss. Soon it would be overwhelming, she would either learn how to swim or let it drag her down to its deepest depths.

She hadn’t decided yet.

Jada kept her eyes closed and for a moment her heart picked up a few extra beats when she conjured up an image of Chris. She didn’t feel or hear any movements in the room, so she assumed that maybe he wasn’t here. It was typical of him, wasn’t it? Avoiding responsibility for the things he did. Chris exuded power and arrogance in spades, and he wasn’t the type of man to bow his head to anyone. She had let the incident with Nina go when she shouldn’t have. There would be no forgiveness this time, not unless he could bring back her babies.

A calm settled over her and slowly she slipped back into unconsciousness.

Jada woke up at the darkest hour of the night. A nightmarish scream came from the depths of Jada’s spirit, and only she could hear it. It was the sound of Chris’s voice that had pulled her back into the world, a world that she wanted to escape from. Her eyes slightly cracked open she watched as Chris stood at the foot of her bed, staring at her, swinging like a tree in the wind.

A little light streamed into the room from the door that had been left slightly ajar. Chris’s eyes were blank, his face even more expressionless, his large arms wrapped around his frame to protect him from a cold breeze that only he could feel. Being distressed didn’t keep him from looking as beautiful as he always did as he swung to the music of the storm Jada knew was brewing around him.

Jada hated him not only because he was the reason why she in the hospital and why they had lost their babies, but also because as she watched him retreat within himself, she wanted to push her rage aside and reassure him, even if for a minute.

Jada reminisced, compared, fell in and out of a quiet depression, cried silent tears, and stared into the unknown. She had never seen Chris like this. The eyes of the man she had fallen in love with were no unfamiliar to her. Somewhere in that body that she would now see as heartless, she had found love, comfort, and courage, but now it was like a figment of her imagination. There was nothing there apart from torment, grief, and hate, and if she was, to be honest with herself, love. Jada looked away from him.

***

Twilight rolled through the skies casting the city in a blanket of blue and purple, adding to the aura of fear shivering through the air. 

She was awake.

The air rushed out of his lungs as he shielded himself from a cold breeze that swirled about. He held himself tighter as the shivers wreaked havoc on his body, his knees wobbled, as guilt threatened to send him crashing to the ground. He couldn’t see her eyes but he could feel her gaze on him. She buried her face in the pillow hiding her pain and her tears.

For the dozen time he allowed himself to touch her thanking God she was alive. But when she flinched, he pulled his hand away. One step after the other he retreated and only stopped when his back hit the wall. He let himself slide boneless against it. He then drew his knees to his chest, buried his face, and began to weep. 

Light suddenly filled the room, Chris looked up and met Jada’s gaze. She was staring at him; her eyes were hollow and red. He didn’t know if he could penetrate her implacable expression or tap the reservoir of compassion he knew she held within her especially for him. 

Chris searched her eyes looking for a sign, one emotion-anything that would tell him what Jada was thinking and feeling at that moment. Was she angry, was she hurt, her expression did not show it. 

Chris did not dare to move from his position on the floor. He didn’t want to blink, their gazes were locked on each other in a duel that he didn’t know what the prize or consequence would be. But she was looking at him, albeit blankly, she was still looking at him.

The woman in front of him wasn’t the same woman he thought he knew. Her eyes were cold and detached, empty with no sign of her pain or anger. He had taken the light from her eyes and the knowledge of that was slowly killing him. 

Thoughts ran a mock in his head. They were mostly regrets and decisions he wished he hadn’t made. Kat’s voice rang clear, Christopher, one day you will cause enough damage to ruin your life and the lives of those around you. The one person he wished he could protect, was touched by pain that he had caused, and there was no way of fixing it. He didn’t hope for forgiveness, not right away, but he would keep her by his side. 

Jada didn’t have anywhere to go and that would work in his favor. He would show her that he had changed, that he was good enough for her, and her forgiveness. He was going to be dutiful and dedicated to healing both her body and her heart. Even with all these resolutions he had just made, he couldn’t ignore the tight ball of fear that seemed to grow continuously in his stomach. 

What if she leaves me?

And as if to respond to his unasked question, Jada flicked the light off and lay back on the bed. 

Chris sat in the dark, left alone in his fears.

When morning came, Chris was roused awake by a commotion outside of Jada’s room. She had been moved out of the Intensive Care for recovery and transferred to a private wing after Kat had dragged him out to recover after his panic attack. Chris had spent the night on the floor of her private room, a blanket draped over him. He couldn’t be sure if it was Jada, Kat, or a nurse’s doing, but his delusions let him believe that it was Jada, giving him a bit of hope. 

When he completely woke up, he met Jada’s gaze. She was sitting up in bed staring blankly at him. Chris had two choices, start a conversation with her or figure out what the commotion was about. Like a spineless coward, he picked the latter. He didn’t know how to approach this version of Jada; he had never met this Jada before. At least if she was angry, he would know what to do. 

Stepping in the hallway, Chris stepped in between two nurses that were arguing with Helena, Nina, and Darrell. If it wasn’t so crazy, Chris was sure he would drop to the ground in a fit of laughter.

“Why are you here?” Chris asked in the most controlled tone he could manage.

“I want to see my daughter!” Helene demanded.

That earned her a low chuckle from Chris, “Nina is right here, next to you.”

“I meant Jada,” Helena ground out through clenched teeth.

“No!”

“You can’t stop us from seeing her, we are her family,” Nina said.

“My family owns this hospital, so I can do whatever I want. Now get out.” Hatred coiled and churned inside him. Chris was doing everything he could not to cause Jada any more distressed, and that included the desire to rip Nina’s head off. He couldn’t get the picture of her standing above Jada’s crumpled bleeding body out of his head. Chris knew that Nina had pushed her, and he wasn’t going to make her pay for it, just not at that moment.

“Call security,” Chris said to one of the nurses.

“What about me? Can I go see her?” Darrell asked.

“Do I look that dumb to you?” Chris took in a deep breath for tolerance. 

The nurse came back without security but with a message for Chris, “Miss William, is asking you to allow them in.”

“What?” Chris asked in shocked confusion.

“We are her family, of course, she wants to see us,” Helena huffed her nose lifted high in the air as she pushed past Chris. Nina followed her mother, giving Chris a bawdy wink as she walked past him.

When Chris joined the others in the room, he walked to the other side of the room and stood by the window. He was close enough to protect Jada in case something happened but far enough to give her space, just in case.

Chris watched her, she sat up in her bed, her hands folded neatly at her waist. He sensed hidden depths beneath the calm exterior. A muscle ticked beneath her eye, her jaw clenched and her eyes narrowed as she carefully studied the people that called themselves family.

***

Jada swallowed back nausea that was quickly rising as Helena and Nina gave her hugs in a show of fake concern. They wanted something, and they were desperate enough to see her in the hospital hours after what they had done.

“Make this good because this is the last conversation we will be having,” Jada’s voice sounded cold even to her ears, foreign as well.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nina’s mouth twisted; a gesture Jada had grown to know. She did that whenever she wasn’t about to get her way.

“Knowing you is a burden that I no longer care to bear anymore. The weight of it is soul-crushing,” Jada spread her arms wide as if to show them the consequences her involvement with them had brought her and shook her head.

“What about the house?” Helena squawked with her eyes wide open.

“You can’t leave me with that debt!” Darrell protested.

“You don’t have to,” Jada answered. “Let the bank take the house then divorce Nina. Once you have your freedom ran away as far and as fast as you can.”

“That was your father’s home,” Helena went on.

“No, it was his cage. He got his freedom in his way and now I will get mine.”

Emotion thickened in Jada’s throat at the thought of her father and how much he had suffered in his marriage to Helena. It wasn’t what had caused him to take his own life, but Helena never supported him in his struggle.

Jada couldn’t wait to be free of Helena and Nina, to know that they were no longer part of her life. The moment they stepped out of her hospital room they would stop existing to her. The thought of it almost lifted her from the dark caves of sorrows that she was fighting to manage.

“And what are you going to do? Live happily ever after in a billionaire’s mansion!” Nina spat.

“As long as you are not there, I don’t care if it’s under a bridge!” Jada countered with the same vehement.

“You can’t just abandon us to our fate when you can help us?” Helena’s embolden tone had now dropped to a desperate whisper.

“Fate?” Jada felt a buzz of anger. “Did fate push me down the stairs?”

“What!” Jada heard Chris snap, felt his body stiffen, and saw him move.

But before he could make it to the foot of the bed, she grabbed his hand to stop him.

“You fell!” Nina yelled in a tone that didn’t even sound convincing to herself.

“Yes, I stumbled but I got up. But when I got to the top of the stairs one of you pushed me. You killed my babies. I don’t care what happens to the two of you, I just want you gone.”

Her heart splattered and hoped to keep her composure in the face of her enemies died all in the breath of a single sentence. Anger, grief, disgust, and depression stood banging at the door of her mind trying to break free.

Jada was adamant not to let them see her cry. She turned her head, lifted her chin and her gaze found Chris’. They idled for what seemed like forever, pleading for him to hear what she wanted to say without her opening her mouth. She didn’t trust her voice not to give her away.

“Get out!” Chris barked. He got the message.

Jada dropped his hand and snuggled into her bed. She didn’t want to look at them ever again. Their voices faded from her conscious thought and hearing, as her eyelids fluttered closed. Her breathing becoming soft and tremulous as she allowed her thoughts to drift off and her exhausted body and mind to give in to the sleep. When she woke up, she knew she would have to face something even more difficult. But for now, she would rest.