chapter 51 | what is this, really?-2

I can't believe it! I'm in a full-blown panic, gasping for air. He didn't even fight for me. "Oh God! Oh God. Oh God. I've lost him. He's gone! He's abandoned the building! Just like my father!" My heart plummets as I sink into the couch. Against my will, I'm her. I'm that five-year-old girl. It's happening. Again. Walls close in on me. I'll never outgrow her! I'll never escape her! And like a baby, I hear the cry. A long, deep wail, leaping out of my own throat. It sounds as if it's coming from someone else in some distant place. This will break me. Why am I not good enough? Why won't they stay? Why won't he stay? What's wrong with me? What don't I know? What can't I see? How strong do I have to be? How much pain do I have to absorb? Why do I keep losing like this? Why God? Why? Tears swell and drop in fat, heavy droplets. He's gone. It's all come crashing down. Time seems to pass slowly as I sit, swirling. These thoughts surround me on all sides, spiraling me further down into the pit. They're as real and as solid as my flesh. I can't escape them, and I don't have the energy to anymore. I've been fighting against this realization my entire life. But I can't deny it any longer. It must be true. I am not enough. That's it. Pure and simple. I'm not good enough to hold onto anything worth holding on to. It's true. It has to be. Otherwise this wouldn't be. It's incredibly dark down here. Like ink spilling on white canvas, the darkness is invasive, consuming me, eating away at the light I've fought so hard for so long to preserve. I feel it. Spreading. Tears roll freely down my cheeks. They won't stop. I allow myself to mourn the loss . . . of myself. ____________________ Day fades into night, engulfing everything in the comfort of its depths. This darkness is my friend. It's filled me up. Covered me. It is me. I accept it. The tears have lost their purpose. I stare into nothingness with dry eyes, listening to the sounds of the city as they invade my living room. The front door remains as unclosed as it was when Phoenix first walked out. A slight, unexpected flutter in the pit of my belly makes me keenly aware of the tiny seed growing inside me. A tiny pinpoint of light. The reminder causes my heart to bolt into action. I have more than myself to worry about. I can't let the darkness smother her. What was I thinking? It can have me. Not her. If it has you, it has her too. I can't let that happen. I won't. She needs me. The pinpoint of light seems to grow stronger, spread wider. She's my saving grace. How ironic. She's the one renewing me. I have to be more for her. I am enough. I'm enough for her. And I'm enough for me. She's someone worth having. I am worthy of having someone that's worth having. I know she'll stay. And I'll stay for her. I know what I have to do. I don't have to wait for him and I can finally stop waiting for my father. We can be a family without Phoenix. Just as me, Mama, and Mia are a family without my father, Tristan. We'll carry on without him. I rub my belly totally and completely in love. For the first time in my life, my love originates within me. Not outside myself. I can't love her without first loving myself. If she is to survive, I must put myself first for once in my life. No man comes before me. No man is more important than me, to me. I can no longer sacrifice myself or my happiness to win someone else over. It never worked. It never will. I have her to think about now. She is what matters and by extension that means me. We are one. We — are family and family is over everything. After all these years, I see it clearly. I do have a choice in the matter and I always had, I just didn't know it. I was blinded by my need to be loved by someone else, namely to be loved by Tristan. I was so headstrong in my pursuit of his affection, it prevented me from ever truly learning to love and cherish myself. All these years lost. All this time wasted pursuing an unattainable goal. Because who can love you, if you don't love yourself?