Chapter 85 CHAPTER 089
"I am sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. It is just, I don't know, Amelia, you have no idea what it was like seeing you in that warehouse. I walked in and there you were, helpless. I have never felt guilt as I felt that day. And to think it was all for a stupid misguided lie. You and Ashley had to suffer the trauma of being kidnapped by a madman, and it was for nothing. I can't forgive Sheryl and I definitely wouldn't forgive Tyler. I can't possibly move past my own contribution to the situation. I am responsible and I wouldn't be myself if I just shoved it aside and continue fucking you like that wasn't what endangered your life in the first place." Linc says, his face twisted with displeasure at some parts of his monologue. I guess I would never really see his point of view of the situation with Tyler.
I don't know what to say. I feel conflicted. His logic makes sense. It is charismatic and typical of him. That is the man I know and fell in love with. The only man I know who would continue being the legal guardian to his cheating late wife's daughter even when he didn't have to. Even when he was justified to let me go and cut ties.
But it doesn't help me feel less hurt. Less embarrassed. Coming onto him so soon like this makes me seem desperate. Or just dumb.
"So, what are you saying?" I ask, feeling my cheeks heat up. I don't want to draw any conclusions because nothing sounds right. I am still struggling to grasp what he means.
"I don't know. I just need time, I guess. I need to find Tyler and tie that loose end up for starters. I am sorry."
"Uh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense I guess." I mutter, unable to meet his eyes.
"Excuse me." I hurry out of the bathroom. Eyes stinging. Cheeks burning.
I think I hear him call my name but I am in too much of a hurry to escape his empathetic eyes and my shame that I don't acknowledge it.
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I press my ear to the door, trying to make out any sound from the hallway. Linc doesn't make a sound when he walks so I am listening for the faintest of sounds. Though he doesn't make a sound, I can still feel him when he walks by. I can't explain it other than the fact that I spent weeks when I was Nineteen, pressing my ear to the door like this, listening for him. So I am attuned to him.
My stomach growls in rebellion, I am starving, I didn't go down for dinner last night. When Linc came to check on me, I pretended to be asleep. He must have known I wasn't, but he gracefully left after a while. It reminded me of that summer three years ago again, except he didn't ussd to come check on me in my room then, instead he would leave extra bits of food he knew I would have liked in the fridge for when I come downstairs at midnight when I was sure my mother would be asleep.
I couldn't face him after what happened in the bathroom yesterday. The memory of it still makes my ears go red. I am so embarrassed, I don't think I could ever initiate anything with him again without being haunted by that experience.
He wasn't unkind about it or anything. If anything, he was perfectly mature about it. But that only makes it all the more unbearable. How could I burn with my lust for him to the extent of being so mindless about it that I wanted to fuck him immediately I was rescued from a traumatic experience?
My stitches weren't even healed yet and I was ready to jump him.
Embarrassing.
I couldn't reason with him that he shouldn't allow the guilt swallow him up. He shouldn't allow Tyler get between us. But I was tongue tied. I couldn't. It would have sounded desperate. I already looked pathetic.
He sounded so set in his conviction that all I could do was clench my thighs together and run away. My persistent arousal and shame fighting for dominance over my reaction. Shame won.
I hear his muted footsteps too late, the door pushes open against my ear and I almost fall on my ass. I realise offhandedly as I steady myself that he didn't knock.
Linc peers in, sees me standing there and walks in. I avoid his eyes. There is nothing else to look at in the room that I haven't seen before. I drag my eyes back to his face and I instantly regret it.
He looks stunning this morning. I did a good job shaving him yesterday even though I had ulterior motives all through and had a hard time focusing. He is also dressed casually. He is really not going to go back to work till Tyler is apprehended like he said.
But after yesterday, and with sex off the table till whenever he deems fit, I don't find the idea that we would be around eachother twenty four seven alluring anymore. Infact, I find it terrifying. I suddenly want to go out. Stay away from him for a while till I can look at him without feeling my cheeks burn. But knowing that I can't makes me feel caged in. Vulnerable. Forced to face my uncomfortable feelings and act mature with him.
But I am just twenty one, I am allowed to be childish about certain things if I want to. Linc is forty one, he can't. Maybe this is why age gap relationships are rarely ideal. We have to meet in the middle in situations like these and I am not even willing to do that. It is so uncomfortable. I want to understand his angle but it still stings, that he could actually turn me down. It burns. I can't stand the memory of it.