Chapter 30

Kate POV:

I fold my legs close to my chest with my hands resting on my knees as the cascade washes the blood and dirt away.

I love the rain because, unlike the people who should love me better, the water is never afraid of me, even when I am my most damaged and broken.

I reach out to Tiara but she keeps blocking me out, blocking her pain and disappointment from me.

We have mastered the art of blocking emotions. It is easier to act as if they were never there than it is to feel the emotions.

I stand up from the tub as water drips on the tiles. I make my way into the walk-in closet, and I put on a black T-shirt and black jeans before walking back into the room to find Lillian and Becca coming in.

"Kate, can we talk to you?" Lillian asks.

"No, I really don't need your sympathy so you can leave now, " I say, coldly turning my back towards them. I know the way I spoke was rude but I just need privacy and not sympathy or empathy from anyone.

I hear the door close as they leave before walking lazily towards my bed and laying on it with a loud sigh.

I really want to scream. I want to burst into tears. I want to get drunk and kill myself...But all I can do is stare at the wall in silence.

Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fell asleep before you fall apart. But that heavy feeling in my chest when I don't feel any desire to speak or move hurts me.

All I want to do is close my eyes and sleep because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting.

I attempt my best to make my days fulfilling, but no matter how hard I try I can't seem to connect to anyone or anything.

That's the worst part...the bad days. The days when I can't hide behind a smile and I feel like running away from it all. The days when I ask for help and I feel like a burden...those are the days I'm running on empty.

I guess I am just tired.

Tired of holding everything in while it keeps killing me.

Tired of not caring when I care so much about what they say to my face.

Tired of being bitched about by those who know nothing about what I go through and what I feel.

Tired of being ignored when all I need is someone to tell me it will all go away.

Tired of feeling unloved by those meant to love me.

Tired of pretending to be happy, that everything is okay when everything is falling apart and it feels like there's no one to hold me.

When all I want to do is cry.

It's like I am ungrateful to Ma for her care, but there's little she can do. I still feel empty. Something is missing and pulling me into despair. I am not yet complete.

The door opens to reveal Lawrence. I get up from the bed immediately walking towards him.

"Get out now," I yell, frustrated because he has no right to act like he cares when he doesn't. Or maybe he is here to punish me for beating up his pack member.

"So let's ignore each other, try to pretend the other person doesn't exist, but deep down, we know it wasn't supposed to end like this," he says, walking towards me and stopping in front of me while staring into my soul.

I break eye contact with him looking everywhere but him. "How is it supposed to end. Tell me because I don't know. Or is it supposed to end after you break me, leaving me with nothing, not even the broken pieces?" I say, tired and fighting the tears back.

"You know nothing about betrayal or pain so do not tell me about you feeling heartbroken," he yelled angrily with his eyes flashing red.

I gain courage looking at his anger. My claws come out. "What would I know about pain and being stabbed in the back by the ones I love and wishing they can love me back?" I take a deep breath claiming my nerves. "Let me tell you what I know. I know that I have lost a thousand battles to nightly demons, experienced a hundred heartbreaks, and faced constant disappointment. I have fallen more times than I care to remember and had to build walls to avoid people stepping on me. I was left to fend for myself, and I learned that all of life is just to learn how to act strong, like a phoenix. I have risen from ashes. Pain has made me the person I am today and you know nothing about me," I yelled frustrated.

His eyes soften, looking at me in shock and understanding. "You are different," he says softly.

"I'm sorry if I seem different to you, or if it feels like I'm not the same person anymore but the truth is I'm not living. Pain changes you," I say closing my eyes and taking a deep breath to block my emotions from showing.

"It's not the future that scares you, but repeating the past that makes you anxious," he says, stroking my cheek lovingly.

I push his hand away. "It hurts that I can't be what everyone wants or what you want or need, and it hurts that I can't be what I want, what I need. Because I'm not enough. I won't ever be enough, and I will never even be close to enough, and it hurts. It hurts so damn bad," I say. Tears glisten, falling freely. I raise my hands to wipe the tears away, but before I could Lawrence holds my hands and stops me.

"Cry as hard as you can and want to, but make sure when you stop crying, you never cry for the same reason," he says softly with understanding.

I hug him tightly, crying all the bottled up tears. I cried, and for the first time I broke my promise of never crying. I let him see my most vulnerable state.

"I'm tired of fighting. For once, I want someone to fight for me," I say still hugging him.

"You need to rest now. I will be the one to fight your demons, to set you free, break down the wall you built, fix your broken heart, and complete you," he says with so much sincerity that I know he's making a promise to me.

I release him from the hug, but my mind refuses to believe him even when my heart wants me to believe his words.

I wipe away my tears. "I'll be okay. Just not today, so please leave me alone"

"Your heart will be fine. It's your mind you need to worry about. You need to convince it to let go...because your heart already knows how to heal," he says, giving me a kiss on my forehead before leaving.

I stand shocked. He read me like a book. Like he knew my thoughts and fears, and as if he saw through my thickest walls.

I fall to the floor, picking out the little emotions in me, and picking what is worth saving.