Feel guilty

Feel guilty

I couldn’t sleep.

I rolled on the bed once more and turned to the window.

It was the middle of the night yet I couldn’t seem to find any peace. The events of earlier played in my mind like a broken record. It haunted me. What had I done? I couldn’t help but worry about my mate even though I despised him. His voice was laced with anguish when he spoke.

Pulling the blanket tighter around myself, I sat up in bed, my gaze fixed on the closed door of my room. I was tempted to go to him, to see how he was doing. But his final warning still rang in my ears, his growled order to keep my distance.

Was it because of the blood? It could be.

He looked so different, so terrifying, yet there was a hint of desperation in his eyes. There was something more, something else. I didn’t know what it was but I became more curious than ever.

My wolf gnawed at my back, forcing me to go to him.

She was enraged herself and I couldn’t help her. I didn’t want to go to him, not after his warning. There was no assurance of what he could do to me when in the state of such primal and raw hunger—bloodlust. But my wolf didn’t care about our safety. She only cared for him.

Our mate.

I lifted myself off the bed and stepped out of the room. It had been hours now. Maybe he had some blood and calmed down. Maybe.

When I stepped outside, I looked left and right in the hallway. It was dark and silent. Cold seeped through my bare feet as I moved across the hallways, trying to find the right direction. I had no clue where his bedroom was, or where he would be. I looked into the living room, but it was empty. There was no one there. Dread settled into my stomach and I turned around before making my way out of the room and into the next one. I searched for him for a few minutes around the house but I couldn’t find him.

He was nowhere.

My heart pounded in my chest while my wolf nudged me, urging me to keep looking through the dark and wide hallways that went on forever.

"You shouldn’t be awake at this time."

I jumped on my steps when I heard Estella’s voice behind me. It came out of nowhere. When I turned, she was standing at the end of the hallway. "I-I didn’t mean to disturb—"

"Go back to your room, Aurora. The morning will come soon and then you can do whatever you wish to do." She told me and I wondered if she knew what had happened.

I could feel the guilt on my face, it was like a heavy mask that suffocated me. "Where’s Lucien?" I asked while approaching her.

"It’s better if you don’t see him now, especially after the whole thing you did with the blood bags. Why, Aurora?" She didn’t snap at me even when I was guilty of doing something wrong. Instead, she spoke to me in a soft tone.

"I was angry, at him, for not healing me or showing care. It was silly. I didn’t know it was going to affect him so much. I wouldn’t have done it if it was such a necessity for him," I tried explaining to her but it barely made any sense to me. "I didn’t mean to hurt him."

"I know, dear," she replied, reaching out to touch my arm gently. "But you still did it. What you need to understand is that for Lucien, blood is more than just a source of food. His survival is on blood and he has been fighting to control his bloodlust for years and years. He’s not just a vampire with mere craving who can control oneself easily. He has struggled with it in the past and even the slightest trigger or change in his intake can set him off balance."

I blinked, completely surprised. "I-I didn’t know." The guilt choked me even more to the point where I could barely breathe.

She squeezed my arm and nodded, "It’s alright, and I understand where you’re coming from. He needs to stay in balance. Otherwise, all hell will break loose."

An image of Lucien, his face pale, eyes bloodshot, flashed through my mind and I shuddered.

"Where is he?" I asked her again, the desire to see him more intense than ever. I had never wanted to see him as much as I did that night.

"He’s not here, dear." Her gaze softened.

"Where is he then?"

Her expression grew gloomy as she met my gaze.

"He has to keep some distance from you, for a few days, or at least until he has drunk—"

"He didn’t?"

"Not yet. He cannot drink directly, he has to drink from blood bags and they’ll arrive here early in the morning.

So until then, he’s confided in the tower where he can regain his balance in the meantime," she studied me for a moment as I registered where he was. In the tower? What was he doing there? "I understand your circumstances and your need right now, Aurora, but don’t go there, not tonight."

My brows furrowed in confusion. "My what?"

She paused, her eyes filled with compassion. "Your circumstances, dear. You’re in heat—it is the full moon tonight."

My breath caught in my throat as her words sank in.

Heat. I had been so consumed by my guilt and concern for Lucien that I had failed to recognize the urgency within myself. It was the full moon that night and I didn’t even know it.

My wolf, she was bothering me for a reason. The heightened emotions. It all made sense now.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that," I stammered, my cheeks flushing with shame as I moved back, closer to the hallway leading into my bedroom. "I should probably get some sleep then."

Estella’s expression softened, understanding evident in her eyes. "It’s completely fine. Take some rest and it will be all well in a few days."