Chapter Twenty-Two

Back on her new favorite rock, Laura shed her coat, soaking in the sun which was blissfully warm for the first time in months. The weather was weird, bouncing from -3 to +10 overnight, but she wasn’t complaining. This wasn’t warm compared to what it was like in Kentucky in the spring, but she’d lived more than half her life in Canada, so she was used to anything less than bitter cold being quite comfortable.

What she wasn’t used to was having so much time to do nothing. Chicklet was in town, visiting with old friends—she’d asked Laura to come with her, but immediately retracted the offer when Laura admitted she wasn’t up to being around a lot of people.

She should be in her uniform now, getting ready to start another uncertain day either pulling over assholes for speeding or knocking on doors telling them to turn down their music. Or to make sure everyone was alive because the neighbor heard screaming. Damn it, how many officers were going to have to take on extra shifts to cover hers? Not just for a week or two so she could go on vacation, but for a whole month?

All right, focusing on that wouldn’t do her any good. She wasn’t on the job and there was no way to make returning to duty go any faster. She had to rest and see the shrink, and in the meantime, accept that she couldn’t help anyone.

In the distance she could see a stray cat chasing something across the rocky shore. Probably a mouse.

“…you have claws too, don’t you, my little mouse?”

She frowned, recalling Raif’s words and the way he’d played along with all her plans, acting as though he cared about Tyler. She wasn’t blameless; she was the one who’d come up with the plan. She’d hoped Tyler would be happy with Raif, but she hadn’t known what kind of man Raif really was. Kinda like moving to a new apartment that wouldn’t allow pets and giving your puppy to people you hoped would love him, but instead used him in dog fights.

Tyler isn’t a puppy.

No, a puppy was a responsibility no one should take on lightly. Tyler wasn’t her responsibility. Or Chicklet’s. He was a grown man and he’d had some say in the matter.

That’s right. Feel better now?

Not in the least. After two years, Tyler was her friend, if nothing else. If she hadn’t had a hand in getting him involved with Raif, she’d have worried about him. She would have asked him how things were going and plotted out exactly where to bury Raif if he broke Tyler’s heart.

She mentally picked out a nice spot in the woods, smiling as she pictured the look on Raif’s face if he were here now and she pointed it out. Tyler had enough friends that all she’d have to do was start handing out shovels.

Down girl. Tyler’s probably fine.

And if he wasn’t?

Homicide wasn’t the only option. Laura took out her phone, wondering if she should call Raif and advise him to end things with Tyler, ever so nicely, before she had to get creative. Instead, she dialed Tyler’s number. She was a cop. She worked with facts.

Raif would be safe until Tyler gave her a reason to make him suffer.

Tyler answered after a few rings, sounding sleepy. “Hey, beautiful.”

“Hey. Did I wake you?”

“Naw, I’m just being lazy. Raif went out for a run, but I’m pretty sure I ain’t leaving this bed until we fly out to Philly tomorrow. I’m sore everywhere.”

“TMI, Tyler.”

“I’ve bought you tampons, Laura, there’s no such thing as too much info between us.” Tyler laughed as she grumbled at him. “Guess you don’t want details then?”

“Not particularly. I’ve watched you suck his dick—pretty sure I can figure out the rest.” None of it good. Tyler had let another man fuck him, which gave Raif enough power to do some serious damage. “Was he…gentle?”

“At first, but I thought you didn’t want details?”

“I don’t.”

“Okay, then all I can say is it was good. And I’m in love with the man. And he loves me too.” He paused. “I’m going to call Chicklet soon and tell her. Do you think she’ll be upset? I mean, I love her. I love you. That hasn’t changed.”

“And it won’t.” Laura sat forward, her stomach hurting a bit because she wasn’t sure what to do with Tyler’s love. She…she loved him too, but in what way? Because he was part of her life? He wasn’t her boyfriend, not really, but he was important to her. Friend…lover. Both labels fit, but she couldn’t quite make sense of how.

“You still there? I hoped this all wouldn’t bother Chicklet, but I didn’t think it would bother you.” Tyler continued before she could say anything. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

That surprised her. She blinked and cupped the phone against her cheek. “Okay? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Someone tried to kill you. Raif said there were too many people at the hospital. That you needed your rest. I wanted to be there.”

She bit her bottom lip. “I’m fine. But you could have come—the doctor probably would have bitched, though. My brother pulled his badge and everything so he could stay.”

“I’m not surprised. He’s pretty cool.”

“Sometimes. Other times he’s a pain in my ass.”

“Speaking of which—”

Laura hummed loud, cutting Tyler off and making him laugh. She really liked talking to him, which was weird because he usually annoyed her. Or maybe not usually. Just lately.

But not now. She lay back on the sun-warmed rock and shielded her eyes from the sun. “I’m going crazy, Tyler. I miss work. I miss our house. I actually asked Chicklet if we could go meet you in New York, but we both know I’d be just as bored watching you play.”

“Gee, thanks.” Tyler snorted. “Whatcha doing now?”

“Sitting out in the sun. Chicklet’s with some friends.”

“Wanna watch a movie?”

“Over the phone?”

“Why not? Put it on FaceTime. I’ve got the perfect movie.”

She heard the music even as he positioned the phone and couldn’t help but smile. She held the phone in front of her, laughing as they watched The Little Mermaid, his face cutting in once in a while as he made silly commentary. The movie was almost over when her phone beeped a warning that her battery was under 10%.

“I have to go charge my phone, but before it dies…thank you, Tyler. I’m sure I’m still going to be messed up about what I did—”

“You did what you had to. I’m sorry it happened, but the way I see it, if he was crazy enough to go after you, he was dangerous to everyone around him. To someone who couldn’t defend themselves.” Tyler looked down, as if he wasn’t sure he was saying the right thing. “You have all kinds of professionals to help you through this. Other cops even. But that’s just what I think.”

“It helps. I’m glad we got to talk.” And with that, her phone died. She sighed and shoved it in her pocket. She should have brought up Raif again, found a way to warn Tyler that the man could hurt him. But Tyler was smart. Tougher than most people thought. He would be home in a few days, and maybe by then she’d have figured out how to prepare him for the inevitable.

She headed back to the house, waving as she spotted Chicklet standing in the driveway. She stopped as she realized Chicklet wasn’t alone. Laura’s foster mother, Debra Hamilton, stood with her.

Chicklet met Laura halfway, speaking low. “I know West said talking to her doesn’t count, but I thought it would do you some good.”

“It will, Mistress. Thank you.” Laura hesitated at Chicklet’s frown, not sure what she’d done wrong. But Debra was waving her over and Chicklet simply jerked her chin in the direction of Laura’s foster mother. Laura jogged to Debra, hugging her tight and smiling up at her.

Debra was almost as tall as Chicklet, but not as built. She had a lovely hourglass figure and long, dark brown hair that she let loose when she wasn’t working. She wore a soft pink silk blouse with a black knee-length skirt and sensible black heels. She must have come straight from the office, otherwise she’d be in jeans and a T-shirt.

Casually hooking her arm around Laura’s waist, Debra began walking toward the beach. “I’m hoping you won’t do like your brother and tell me if it doesn’t count in the paperwork, you’d rather not talk about what happened.”

Laura thought that was a very good answer, but she didn’t want her foster mother to feel like she’d come all the way here for nothing. “I’m happy to see you. We can talk if you want to.”

“I think I understand why Chicklet asked if I’d ever read any BDSM novels.”

Shocked, Laura stopped and faced Debra. “She—what?”

“Don’t look so surprised. Chicklet and I speak about a lot of things. She’s discreet, but she has mentioned how you can be excessively eager to please when things are bad.” Debra kissed the top of Laura’s head. “I could have told her that.”

“But I’m not—”

“Laura, you’re a daughter of the South. You can cook up a wonderful dinner, be the perfect hostess, and can fix mascara and red eyes after a funeral so no one would guess you’ve been crying. You forget, I was raised the same way.” She guided Laura to the very edge of the waves gently lapping the shore. “The difference is my mother would take me to my room and give me a pillow to scream into when someone upset me. If it was a boy, she’d tell me to go out there with a smile and act like nothing happened, while she’d be calling a few of my uncles because no one hurts her baby. Even when I wasn’t the perfect daughter though, I had two parents who loved me. I never had to wonder if I’d lose them if I said or did the wrong thing.”

“You married a good man and gave them a grandson.” Laura wrapped her arms around herself, slowing her pace. “My parents will never have that.”

“No, they won’t. But it’s not because you fell in love with another woman, Laura. It’s because they don’t deserve to have you in their lives. Which, of course, may change if you decide you want them around.” Debra smiled ruefully and shook her head. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said most of that. I consider you my daughter, but only you can decide whether or not your parents get another chance.”

“They don’t. I’ve made my peace with losing them.”

“Have you?”

“Yes. I needed them, and they didn’t want me.” Laura’s throat locked. She stared down at the rocks jutting out of the wet sand. She’d discussed her parents with Debra before, but she’d never been so blunt.

“Sweetheart, we wanted you. But you worked so hard to be good enough, to fit with someone else’s idea of who you should be. You were so easy to love, but I couldn’t help wonder when you would break free and run a little wild. I was ready for it, but it never happened.”

Laura laughed. “Ryan was wild enough; you didn’t need me stirring up trouble.”

“But we would have loved you anyway.”

“I know.”

“Do you? Because I don’t remember you ever telling me or your father it wasn’t fair for Ryan to be able to go out later than we let you. When your father told you he didn’t like what you were wearing, you quietly went to your room and got changed.” Debra turned to face Laura, setting her hands on Laura’s shoulders. “We never fought in front of you or your brother, but as soon as you left the house, I would let him have it. Maybe I shouldn’t have waited. If you’d seen me fighting for you—”

“No!” Seeing her parents fight because of her would have been horrible. Laura shook her head. “I didn’t want to cause trouble.”

“There it is again. You wouldn’t have caused trouble. And even if you had, we loved you and wouldn’t have stopped.”

“I was so grateful for you taking me in! You had rules and I respected them! Why is that bad?” Laura pulled away from her mother as she realized she was shouting. She never shouted at Debra. “I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be. Hell, feel free to tell me to mind my own business.” Debra held up a hand and chuckled before Laura could say a word. “I know, you wouldn’t do such a horrible thing. Now, what would you prefer to talk about? The thug who attacked you or the young man you’ve been living with whom I’m only hearing about now?”

“Mom!” Laura had never heard Debra being so unprofessional talking about police work. “I killed a man—a very troubled man. You can’t call him a ‘thug.’”

“I most certainly can. I am not your therapist, I’m your mother. He tried to hurt my little girl, which makes me downright feral. Please forgive me for not being politically correct.” Despite her careless words, Debra’s tone was sharp. She put her hand on Laura’s shoulder. “There is no way I will be sorry that you did what you did. You’re alive. I only regret that you had to take a life, because it won’t be easy to live with. But the alternative is unacceptable.”

“Next time, I’ll do better.”

“Pray there won’t be a next time, but if there is, do what you have to. If not for yourself, consider the fact that if you hesitate, even for a second, you may be putting someone else at risk.”

Laura nodded and kept walking, not wanting to spend all her time with her mother dwelling on something they’d never agree on. There were protocols for a reason, and maybe if she’d followed them better, she would still have her badge.

Debra shot her a sideways glance. “So you don’t want to talk about your man?”

“He’s not ‘my man.’”

“So he’s just Chicklet’s boy toy?”

“Mom!” Laura felt herself blushing as Debra arched a brow. “He’s…it’s complicated. He’s loud and obnoxious. He rarely does what he’s told. You know about BDSM? Well, he’s a mess of a sub.” Thinking about her phone conversation with Tyler, Laura smiled. “But he’s loyal, and he’s an amazing friend. Half the time I don’t know whether to strangle him or hug him. If he wasn’t so young, and wild, and out of control…”

“Bless his heart, you love him, don’t you?” Debra gazed out at the ocean, breathing in the fresh air, her eyes drifting shut. “I know Chicklet does, and that bothered me because I don’t quite understand how these relationships with so many people work, but she is as devoted to you as ever. I don’t see him being a problem, except that he isn’t following all the rules, is he? You need love to be that straightforward, and you don’t know what to do when it’s not.”

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t follow the rules, Laura. You didn’t marry a Southern boy and have a few babies. You dated women and became a cop.”

“Being a lesbian and being a cop are—”

“Not what’s expected. You think about that.” Debra took Laura’s hand, leading her back toward the house. “I’d like a tea, and I do think I want Chicklet to make it for me while I catch up with my daughter. Do you think she’ll mind?”

Chicklet wouldn’t, but it was Laura’s place to… Ugh, Debra knew her too well. She’d make Laura sit there and watch her Mistress prepare them both a tea to prove a point. And if Laura called Chicklet “Mistress,” Debra would wait for Chicklet’s reaction and then…then she’d see that Chicklet didn’t want their relationship to be limited to Dominance and submission. Something Laura had been ignoring.

There’d been no discussion about Tyler coming into their relationship, and maybe there should have been, but was that really so different than Laura becoming a slave when her Mistress wanted a sub? She didn’t doubt that Chicklet loved her, and yet…things were different. They weren’t as close anymore.

She hadn’t discussed any of the things with Chicklet that she’d spoken of so easily with Tyler. And he was the one Laura had decided didn’t fit with them anymore. If it wasn’t him, and it certainly wasn’t Chicklet, then…

Then maybe it was Laura. Maybe because she’d stopped trying. She’d decided things should be one way, and hadn’t considered what anyone else might need or want. Debra said she would have loved Laura even if she hadn’t been perfect. And Laura didn’t doubt that.

But she’d tried to be perfect for Chicklet. And Tyler didn’t fit into her plans, so she’d made him expendable.

Only to her. Chicklet loved him. Despite his flaws, or maybe because of them.

She told Debra to go ahead and stood outside, alone, trying to make sense of everything. But all she could see was the last day she’d spent in her birth parents’ home. Her dress was one of Mother’s favorites. The one Laura wore to church every Sunday. Mother was out on the porch, gossiping with her friends over Beth-Anne’s shotgun wedding. Beth-Anne was seventeen, had gotten knocked up, but the boy was the mayor’s son, and wouldn’t she make a beautiful bride?

Laura waited for Mother in the parlor. She was afraid to look at her. Why couldn’t she just be pregnant by a boy her mother could brag about being a good catch? Laura was only thirteen, but girls her age had babies. She saw it on TV all the time.

All her friends had crushes, and some had gotten their first kiss like her, stolen behind their daddy’s barn or under the bleachers at school. Laura had been seeing the son of the town sheriff, but she wouldn’t let him kiss her. His older sister was the one she kissed. And it was wrong, and she knew that, but when she’d gone to church, the preacher had been nice and told her to talk to her mommy. He said young people went through phases, and she would find her way with proper guidance.

“Why aren’t you at the game, Laura? Wasn’t Bobby supposed to bring you?” Her mother walked by her, going to the kitchen and putting on the kettle. She came back when Laura didn’t follow her. “Are you ill?”

“I don’t know. I…I read a book and they said people can’t help who they love.” Laura folded her hands on her lap. “I don’t love Bobby.”

“He’s a good boy! Don’t be silly. If you had a little fight, you’ll get over it.”

“I don’t like boys.” Laura pressed her eyes shut, not sure why she’d blurted it out like that.

But her mother didn’t understand, so it didn’t matter. “Did you see him kissing another girl? These things happen. He’s young and he will run wild, but you have to show him you are worth coming home to.”

Laura’s lips parted. Her mother expected her to grow up and become some man’s wife. She’d be less disappointed if she understood her daughter wasn’t like her friends’ daughters. But only if Laura was very, very clear. “Mother, I think…I think I’m a lesbian.”

Disgust twisted her mother’s lips as she strode up to Laura and grabbed her arm. “I knew there was something wrong with you. The preacher’s wife said you were in her prayers. I’ve been waiting, but I didn’t expect…” She dragged Laura to the door. “You sicken me. No one can help you, not even God.”

Her mother was angry, Laura had expected that, but as she stumbled down the front steps, she couldn’t quite make sense of what her mother was saying. “I’ll keep dating Bobby. I’ll go meet him at the game and I’ll be good to him.”

“You will pretend to be normal? How can you when I could see you weren’t? And you had to tell the preacher how disgusting you are. Soon everyone will know and I won’t have you here to shame me.” Her mother slammed the door.

Why had she told anyone? Why couldn’t she have kept it to herself? In the books she read, people learned to accept everything. But this was her life, not a book with a happy ending. And she was standing outside, alone as darkness fell, with nowhere to go. She didn’t dare go to her father; he’d made it clear he wanted a son and she was worse than a daughter, she was…not normal.

A long walk and she found herself at Bobby’s door. His sister, Elise, brought her inside, hugging her and saying everything would be all right. But when Elise spoke to her parents, she didn’t admit she was different too. She told them Laura had “come out” and her parents didn’t want her.

Days later, Laura found herself in a group home with other children no one wanted or could care for. And she accepted that she’d be there forever.

“Laura?” Chicklet came out of the guest house, descending the stairs quickly, the concern in her voice tearing Laura from her memories. She cupped Laura’s face in her hand. “Please talk to me. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

“I was…I was thinking about my mother.” Laura leaned into Chicklet, resting her head on her chest. “It’s silly, I know. It was such a long time ago, but sometimes… Debra loves me despite everything. I don’t get how she could when the people who should have didn’t.”

“Life’s funny that way, but that’s how love is supposed to be.”

Laura nodded slowly. “I guess.”

“You guess? If you don’t know, I’ve done something wrong.” Chicklet rested her forehead against Laura’s. “What do I have to do to make you believe it?”

“Forgive me?” Laura wasn’t sure what she was asking forgiveness for—all the things she’d done that she could be sorry for, Chicklet didn’t know about. But…maybe that was it. Maybe she just needed to know Chicklet could forgive her.

Chicklet’s expression didn’t show the confusion Laura had expected. Instead, a tense smile curved her lips. “Is there something I need to forgive you for?”

Does she know? Laura studied Chicklet’s face and… No, if Chicklet had any idea what Laura had tried to do, she’d be furious. Instead, she was waiting patiently for Laura to talk to her. And Laura had no idea how much she should say. She inhaled and shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just afraid I’ll disappoint you one day.”

“You might, but it really depends how bad whatever you do is. I don’t want you to be perfect. I just want you. And sometimes I wonder if I’m losing you.” Chicklet’s smile brightened a little. “I like this though, we’re talking again and I missed that.”

“When did we ever stop?”

“You only speak to your ‘Mistress’ lately, Laura.” Chicklet gathered Laura’s hair in her hands, not tugging, just loosely holding on as though she wasn’t ready to let go and was afraid Laura might slip away. “I thought I was more than that.”

There was pain in Chicklet’s tone, and Laura hated that she was the cause. She curved her hands around Chicklet’s forearms and met her eyes. “You are more. So much more and I’m sorry if I made it seem like… Damn it, why didn’t you say something?”

“I was trying to be what you needed. But I guess we’ve both gotta work on our communication.” Chicklet kissed Laura, a soft, undemanding kiss unlike any they’d shared in a very long time. Tender and loving and proving the damage done to their relationship could be repaired. The screen door creaked and Chicklet sighed. “But first, I have to go make tea. I love your mom, but I swear whenever she’s around, I’m put to work.”

“I heard that.” Debra called from the porch.

Chicklet snorted and turned, reaching back to take Laura’s hand. “You were meant to, Mrs. Hamilton.”

Debra winked at Laura, then headed back inside, calling out, “One sugar and a splash of milk, Chicklet dear. Laura, come sit with me in the sunroom. Roland was just about to show me pictures of Kelsey as a little girl. He said she wore dresses, but I don’t believe him.”

“Chicklet looks beautiful in a dress.” Laura squeezed Chicklet’s hand, all too aware of how much she hated most people using her “legal name.” She’d been Chicklet since she’d started playing hockey and lost her first tooth to a slash to the face. Even as a little girl, she’d always had gum because it was a special treat from her father. She’d tried to use a piece of gum to hide the hole and her father had laughed and given her the new nickname.

Laura loved the story, and she also knew Chicklet’s mother had chosen the name Kelsey, so she never used it. She didn’t mind her father or her stepmother doing so on occasion, but otherwise…

Not much got by Debra. She inclined her head to Laura as Chicklet came into the room, then spoke quietly. “Chicklet is beautiful in many ways. You must be proud of her, Roland.”

“I am.” Roland smiled fondly at his daughter as Chicklet came over to hug him. He chuckled as he sat back. “But tea sounds mighty good right now.”

“I’m going!” Chicklet shook her head, her grin contradicting the irritation in her tone. “Slave drivers here, the lot of you!”

Laughter filled the room as Chicklet went to fix the tea. Debra patted the spot beside her on the sofa, and Laura went to sit beside her and look at the pictures she’d seen many times before. Things were so comfortable, there was a true sense of family and Laura loved how included she felt. Except…something was missing. She remembered the last time they came, just before Christmas. Tyler and Roland had been joking around the whole time, stopping only when Tyler went outside to get wood for the fireplace. He’d sat with Laura on the floor while they watched old movies. She’d fallen asleep with her head on his lap.

If Tyler ended up with Raif, this was how visits would be from now on. The idea bothered her, but…well, she didn’t really need to worry, did she? Chicklet had no intention of letting him go. And Raif wasn’t serious about him.

Even if he was…Laura nodded at something Debra said without really hearing her. Fisted one hand against her knee. Tyler was family, whether or not he fit what anyone considered normal. And Raif can’t have him.