Chapters 20 - Ayumi Clarck

***Therapy***

I have been going to Dr. Sant's clinic for some time now. This clinic and Dr. Ellen were recommended to me by Evelyn, and they have been a tremendous help. I feel well taken care of by Dr. Ellen. We have grown close since the day I woke up in the hospital. Occasionally, I get annoyed with her, but I understand her… My thoughts are interrupted by the doctor's voice.

“Despite the law being in effect for two years, many victims still struggle to recognize the subtle beginnings of the cycle of domestic violence. Violence against women is characterized by any act of violence based on gender, resulting in harm or suffering, including threats, coercion, or deprivation of freedom. There are various reasons why many women fail to see that they are trapped in an abusive cycle. They may have a distorted perception of love or have previous experiences of violent relationships, normalizing the violence. Manifestations can include physical violence, such as assaults or bodily injuries, as well as sexual violence, psychological violence, such as threats, disturbance of peace, moral violence, such as slander, defamation, and economic violence, such as financial damage, theft, or exploitation. The cycle of violence occurs within relationships and consists of tension, acute aggression, and honeymoon or reconciliation phases. In the first stage, there are humiliations, intimidation, insults, demands, criticisms, disqualifications, prohibitions, and mutual provocations, generating conflicts and a tense atmosphere,” she looks at me attentively before speaking again. “Frequently, women involved in this cycle exhibit low self-esteem and negative self-perception. The cycle of violence can be divided into tension, acute aggression, and honeymoon or reconciliation phases. First, we have Patrimonial Violence, which includes threats from the partner when the woman does not act as desired. These are some examples of manifestations of patrimonial violence. It is also considered violence when the partner stops talking to the woman because she took some action that displeased him, or when he prevents her from working or having other friendships, and when he controls her finances,” she falls silent.

“When I used to work and live with him, I didn't see the money in my account, and I don't know how he did it, but he would receive my money. He said it would be for household expenses, and he would buy whatever I needed. Every time that happened, I had to ask him. I wanted it to work so badly that I blinded myself to everything. Then that phase started when the clothes I wore were not deemed appropriate. I stopped wearing earrings. Red lipstick was considered something only promiscuous women would wear, and painting my nails red… oh my! It was the end of the world,” I say, remembering with anger.

“Is that economic abuse? Now, let's talk about emotional abuse, which is calling you offensive names, both in the household and in public. Did he call you that?”

“Yeah, I didn't like it. So what did I do? The idiot here would ask him at least not to call me that in front of others. If he wanted to call me that, he could do it at home, but even then, he would slip up from time to time. It hurt me so much because I wanted a future, a family with him.”

“Don't say that about yourself because you were expecting something he couldn't give you. You weren't and aren't an idiot, Ayumi. I understand you, and I know you wanted to be happy, to have something you didn't have.”

She says, and tears are already streaming down my face. She opens the drawer and takes out a tissue box, handing it to me with a smile. I take it from her hand and smile back, pulling out a tissue and wiping my tears.

“As the woman allows and gives in, the man increases his abusive behavior because he realizes there is room to intensify harmful actions. It's a growing process. Due to being so involved in that situation, the woman who is a victim of aggression tends to justify the partner's behavior, downplaying the importance of certain harmful situations, and gets moved when he shows remorse.”

“That's precisely what happened. He would show remorse, and it would move me, and then we would be okay, but then everything would start all over again.”

“Are you understanding everything, Ayumi? You are not to blame for anything that happened to you. You entrusted your heart to someone who was not trustworthy, and that's not your fault.” I nod in agreement. “Moving on, now let's talk about sexual violence: if the partner makes requests that the woman initially doesn't want to fulfill but ends up giving in due to insistence or because the requests are seemingly made in a loving manner, which in reality can be manipulation, that's also one of the signs. To identify it, it's necessary to pay attention to yourself and try to understand what characterizes violence against women. The cycle of violence usually starts subtly and slowly, tending to escalate as the relationship develops. Typically, the abusive partner doesn't begin with physical violence; they start with less explicit types of behavior that restrict the partner's freedom of choice, create embarrassing situations, and criticize certain traits.”

“There were things he liked that I didn't agree with,” she said. “I would end up giving in, sometimes just to get rid of it. He claimed to be addicted to sex, needing to engage in sexual acts at least three times a day, often in public places. And I was forced to say that I enjoyed it and that it was great for me, that he was the best man in the world.”

“Each woman responds differently, and there are many possible consequences,” she continued. “Certainly, this type of destructive relationship deeply affects a woman's quality of life. Psychologically, studies indicate that certain forms of violence can contribute to anxiety disorders, eating disorders, sexual dysfunction, social relationship difficulties, stress, among many others.”

“He also monitored the messages I always exchanged with friends on social media,” she revealed. “I deleted and blocked several people from my circle of friends at his command. I had my friends; I lost contact with all of them because I couldn't maintain connections with my past because I had to become a new person. Male friends? Not even a thought. And my female friends too. He found fault with all of them.”

“Understand, Ayumi, that the situation reaches the point it does because we allow it,” Dr. Ellen explained. “Often, women hide to please their partner, and that is wrong. Leave here today with something in mind: be who you are, be happy for yourself and your accomplishments. And of course, having friends and a partner is great, it is! But it shouldn't be the center of your existence. So, Ayumi, love yourself, allow yourself to love yourself, and be content with yourself, and be happy for yourself. It may seem selfish; yes, it may, but your happiness has to come first. Think of yourself, and then you will want the best for yourself, and don't place all your expectations on people. They are human and subject to making mistakes, just like all of us,” she finished speaking and smiled.

“I won't mention that I allowed myself to enter a relationship with someone, but I will do what she said,” Ayumi thought to herself.

She stood up and greeted Dr. Ellen.

“See you next week, Ayumi,” Dr. Ellen said.

“Goodbye, Dr. Ellen, until next week,” Ayumi smiled. She turned around, walked towards the door, opened it, left the room, and as soon as she reached the reception area, there he was in his all-black uniform, glasses perched on his nose, legs crossed, and reading a magazine.

I stand there, observing him, and he is handsome – brown eyes, a well-groomed full beard, a muscular and well-defined body, brown hair neatly cut… he got a haircut! However, the haircut made him even more attractive. I am interrupted in my assessment by the smile I'm seeing. My heart races a little, and he closes the magazine, putting it back with the others. He uncrosses his legs, stands up, and approaches me. As soon as he reaches my side, he kisses me on the cheek.

“Hello, my love! I came to pick you up for dinner. Are you up for it?”

“Hello, of course I am,” I reply. As soon as I say that, he looks at me, smiles, and kisses me – a gentle kiss – and then he stops. He places one hand on each side of my face, smiles, and plants a kiss on my forehead. I smile at the gesture, and he takes my hand. Together, we leave the clinic.