Chapter 91 WHO AM I?

Chapter 91 WHO AM I?
KIMBERLY.

I hate this. No. I hated this.
The promise I made to myself not to get vulnerable enough in Rafael's presence faded so easily and it didn't feel any weird, surprisingly.
Because tell me why I chose to follow this man into a dark waiting room with him right beside me as we both sat on the only long chair there closely even though the space the chair gave us was enough to occupy up to ten people.
"You never talked about her."Rafael began after more than ten minutes of unbearable silence.
I licked my dry lips in a rush, letting his words sink into my body completely."Because there's nothing to talk about."
"Kimberly–"
"I wrote her dead a long time ago, I thought Frederick killed her and God–"I trailed off, screwing my eyes shut."It would have been the best thing that ever happened to me until a few days ago."I choked out, swallowing hotly.
"What was she to you?"Rafael asked with an edge in his tone and I could already feel the heat rising up in his body which almost made me bawl my eyes out because of the insane amount of emotional intelligence this man has to be able to understand why I feel about my mother this way when all he wanted to do is spend another day with his.
"A bitch."I laughed out but with tears streaming down my face this time around."She made me watch my Dad do everything to prove that we were enough for her."I forced the words out, shutting my eyes off again, letting myself soak into the dreadful realization that the reason why I felt I would never be enough for Rafael to love me.
Because I watched my Dad live that life. Despite everything he did, working five jobs together until he got worn out with stress but all he wanted to do was make Mom love him.
"You didn't deserve that, Kim."Rafael said into the dark.
Even though I couldn't see his face, I already imagined what he looked like.
"Maybe. But I went through it anyway."I shrugged,twisting my lips.
"And you're going to let it stay like that?"He asked, leaning his head back into the wall behind us.
Unknowingly, his head brushed against the switch, causing the lights in the room to turn on fully.
"Shit. Sorry."Rafael rasped out, ready to turn it off.
I quickly placed my hand on his, stopping him right away."Never mind."I shook my head, exhaling.
I needed to do this the right way anyways, and doing that is facing him head on what he would be living with if he decided to continue with the marriage after this.
"You sure about that?"
Nodding, I sniffled, bringing my hand down from his."I hid this from you because I didn't plan to let my Mom get away with this."I confessed, staring at him keenly.
His beautiful eyes glistened softly, but he didn't say a word, instead, his knees found mine and brushed it subtly, earning a ragged sigh from me.
God. This would be hard.
"What are your plans?"
"You don't need to know. I'm keeping you out of it."I stated matter-of-factly.
His face snapped to me fully instantly. Rafael's jaw dropped slightly as he gawked at me further."What are you talking–"
"Your company is in a vulnerable state because of what Norman did."
"And that's my fault."He rolled his eyes, like he was getting my point but didn't want to admit it.
Even I know how stupid I sounded right now.
"It's mine, but that's not the point."
"Kim–"
"I'm fighting a dirty fight with my Mom, and I don't want you to–"
"Please don't tell me you're about to call it quit–"
"Rafael."
"Jesus. Kimberly. You stayed."He snapped, jerking off to his seat.
"I did it for my survival."I shrugged, daring not to look up at him because I knew I would slip, if his words were already making me feel like shit, I wondered what his face would do to me.
"Kim–"
"I mean, I wanted to save my head and–"
"Bullshit."He growled, tipping my head up to his face with his finger under my chin.
I let out a hot breath, biting in my trembling lips."Please, Rafael. Please–"
"You're not keeping me away from this, I want to be there for you."
"It's not worth it."
I'm not worth it. The stress? I would never be able to recompense him for it and it would kill me if he loses anything because of me.
"God, I hate this."Rafael exhaled, letting go of my chin as he walked into the deeper part of the room, his steps heavy and faltered.
I swatted my gaze, hurriedly, unable to look at him.
It's so hard. So hard to undo what I spent all the years of my life believing.
When all I could hear was Dad's tears, and all I could feel in my aching body was the cold nights I had because I didn't have a father to wrap a warm blanket around me.
Why? Because he had his mind spiraling over a woman who didn't love him.
"I want to go home."I blurted, standing up to my feet.
"Why?"Rafael raised a single shoulder at me, angling closer.
"Because–"
"Because it's the easiest thing to do? Running away from me?"
"I didn't–"
"How dare you decide for me?"
"I didn't decide for–"
"So what is this?"
"Rafael–"
"No Kim!"He yelled, grabbing my arm instantly."I want this. This marriage. You. And everything. God, I want it so much that–"His voice cracked at each words which did nothing but deposit a soothing feeling radiating through my chest when all I was supposed to feel was dread.
But a part of me wanted to experience what it felt like to be yearned for the way this man does to me.
"I will bore you out."
"You never did."He said, his eyes crinkling with so much honesty that made my chest double in size."Even when all we had to do was pretend and live like housemates."
"That was horrible."I laughed, shaking my head.
"You don't know who you are, Kim. And I think that's the problem."
"You're right I don't."I said admittedly, shaking my head rigorously.
Outside the girl who grew up in a dysfunctional household, the one who had her dreams thwarted when she was given off to a loan shark and the woman who had gotten into a fake marriage to save her head.
All I lived my life doing was surviving and trying so hard to keep my head above the waters.
But asides that? Who am I?