Chapter 30 – I Believe

“Mommy, can I please take my blue swimming trunks?” Kyle begged.

“Kyle, you’ve already taken the black, green, red and all your superhero swimming trunks. How many could you possibly need?” I huffed as I packed the trunks anyway.

He rolled his eyes. “One for every day, duh!”

“Young man, you’d do well not to talk to your mother in that way or roll your eyes at her,” Mordecai said as he walked into the lounge with our luggage. We and the twins were packed. Christie and Kyle were proving to be more difficult.

“Sorry mommy,” Kyle said before standing on the couch so that he could kiss my cheek.

“Go help your sister with the beach ball,” I told him.

“Ok,” he said before running upstairs.

“This is tedious,” I mumbled.

“It’s the first vacation we’re taking together. They’re just really excited,” Mordecai argued tiredly.

“Thank the heavens we’re leaving later in the day. We can at least sleep in and get in the much needed rest,” I sighed.

“The jet is super comfortable. If I’m right, then the only problem we’ll have is with the twins crying when the jet takes off and when it lands, but other than that, everything should be fine,” he said as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

“We really need this to solidify our bond again,” I said before biting my lip.

“I understand gorgeous, and it will. You’re stressing too much. This is supposed to be a vacation. Last I checked, that meant that you have to let go of your worries,” he teased.

“I’m a mother to four kids baby. Worrying has become second nature to me,” I admitted.

“Ok true, but I want you to at least try. You can transfer all your worries to me. I want you to enjoy this trip more than the five of us combined. You deserve it the most,” he smiled.

“I don’t want a break from my responsibilities,” I argued.

“You may not want one, but you definitely deserve one. You’ve been busy for so long Bev. Just let me do this for you,” he pleaded.

“Well, now that you’re begging,” I smirked.

“I’d beg any day if it meant you’d be able to forget about your worries for two weeks,” he winked.

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you even more,” he replied before kissing me. We were interrupted by the cry of a twin.

“I’ve got it,” he sighed.

To think he wants more kids.

I finished packing for Kyle and Christie as they finally made up their minds about everything. Mordecai cooked for us and we all settled for another movie afternoon. When the kids had fallen asleep and we’d put them to bed, Mordecai and I opted for a joint hot bath.

“What’s the plan when we come back?” I asked.

“Do you mean with us, or just in general?” he asked.

“Everything,” I replied.

“Well, we can’t get hitched yet because by the time we come back, it will be in time for Charlie and Angel’s wedding. What we can do though, is move into our new home, but perhaps that might also need to happen after the wedding. I’m going to get back to directing and acting. Shooting on three of my movies resumes in a month’s time. I’ll have to sit down with the production teams and work out a schedule with them so that I can be home more. What do you have planned to do?” he asked.

“I actually don’t know. I’m never going back to nursing, that’s for sure. I’ve got the movie, and then I’m basically free,” I replied.

“Well, with the movie, you might pick up more things, and I still need an agent,” he smiled.

“Ok, I’ll be your agent,” I agreed.

“Are you planning on writing another book?” he asked.

“I doubt it. Maybe if I fall pregnant again, I might be inspired to,” I replied.

“When you fall pregnant,” he corrected.

I smiled. “Yeah, yeah.”

“So, I had Dean set up the kids’ trust funds and education funds,” he informed.

“Seriously?” I asked.

“Yep! They’re each covered from now until college. Dean advised that after we officially get married, we set up our wills,” he smiled.

“You’ve been busy hey?” I beamed.

“I guess. I’m just really excited about our future together. I want to make things right,” he said bashfully.

“And I love you all the more for that,” I said before kissing him.

We left the tub and it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep after we’d gotten in bed. I, on the other hand, couldn’t sleep. When I’d been tossing around for two hours, I gave up and headed downstairs. I grabbed my phone and laptop and sat on the couch.

I looked through the photos on my laptop. It was mostly photos of the kids, but that wasn’t what I was looking for. I went to the one folder that made me cry in the last few months. It was a folder containing all the pictures of Mordecai and I before we broke up.

We were so happy.

I mean, I get that we’re trying to get back to this, but a part of me is afraid that we never will. He keeps saying that we have to create a whole new normal, but after being apart for eighteen months, I don’t know how to get there.

I went through a lot in that eighteen months, and I’d like to think that it changed me a lot as a person, but my feelings for Mordecai never changed. If anything, him being back only made them grow, and yet I can’t help but feel like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“It’s two in the morning Bev,” she groaned.

“I need you,” I pleaded.

“What’s going on?” she asked, and I could hear her getting up.

“I want to visit Ellen’s grave, but I don’t want to go alone,” I explained.

“Have you called dad?” she asked.

“No. Do you think that I should?” I asked.

“I think it’s about time the three of us headed over there,” she replied.

“Alright! I’ll call him. We’ll meet there in say thirty minutes?” I suggested.

“Cool! See you there!” she said before hanging up. I called my dad.

“Lollypop, it’s two in the morning,” he grumbled as he answered the phone.

“You and your daughter love giving me updates on the time,” I joked.

“Because you clearly can’t see the time if you’re calling at such strange hours,” he chuckled tiredly.

“I’m sorry, but I’m bothered and well I called her and she’s agreed to come with me to mom’s grave. She suggested we all go together,” I told him.

“It’s about time. I think we all need to get this out of our system,” he said.

“We’re meeting in thirty minutes,” I informed.

“Alright! I’ll see you both there,” he sighed.

“I love you daddy,” I whispered.

“I love you too lollypop,” he replied before the line went dead.

I knew that I risked waking Mordecai up if I headed upstairs, so I just grabbed his sweatshirt off of the coat rack, and my car keys before heading out. I stopped at a twenty four hour cafe to get us cups of coffee since it was a bit chilly out. When I arrived, they were both there.

“You are very strange for wanting to do this right now Bev,” my sister pointed out.

“I know, but I just feel like it needs to be done. There are too many feelings that I have bottled up inside, and a lot of them have to do with mom,” I sighed.

“And Mordecai,” my sister added knowingly. I looked towards my mother’s grave.

“Lollypop, I know that you’ve wanted Mordecai to come back to you all this time, and now that he has, how are you feeling exactly?” my dad asked.

“Honestly, I have no idea. A big part of me is waiting for all of it to come crashing down again,” I admitted.

“So you have no faith in him?” my sister asked.

“It’s not entirely that. I guess it took him coming back for me to truly realize that I did lose some of the trust I had in him. I’m afraid of him leaving me again. I don’t think I’d be able to handle that,” I explained.

“There’s something more that you’re not telling us,” the both of them said simultaneously.

I’ve always hated how easily they can both read me.

“I guess this is the part that has to do with Ellen. Just like she did with dad, I think Mordecai may end up resenting me because of the kids. I mean, I’ve been a mother for six years now, while he’s only stepping into the fatherhood role now, and mainly because both I and Loraine decided to keep him out of his children’s beginning stages of life. I already know that he hates Loraine for that, and I’m afraid that that will be the reason he decides to leave me,” I told them.

“Lollypop, I’m sure you understand that he is at least entitled to his anger, but I understand your fear. However, I feel like you’re expecting the worst of him, and if you don’t let go of that, it will soon start to show in your relationship,” my father said.

“Dad’s right sis. If you don’t deal with it, he’s going to pick up on it, and he might end up thinking that you want him gone in any case. Have you shared any of these concerns with him?” my sister asked.

“Where do I even start that conversation off without planting the doubt in his mind?” I asked.

“The doubt will be planted in his mind either way. You need to speak to him and explain your fears to him. If he’s serious about staying, he’ll work to convince you that he isn’t going anywhere,” my father advised.

“And then you have to work at trusting yourself, him and your relationship together. Mordecai isn’t Ellen Bev. He’ll never treat you the way that she did, and you need to believe that. It’s the only way that your relationship will survive. It is the only way that you’ll be able to keep your family together, and move forward,” my sister added.

Silence fell upon us as we all got lost in thought. I got lost thinking about everything that they had just told me. I understood clearly what they told me to do, and I was relieved at having spoken to someone about my concerns. Their advice lifted the heavy weight off of my heart.

“Anyone want to say anything to Ellen?” I asked after a while.

“El, you were the love of my life, and I am sorry about how I treated you. I forgive you for breaking my heart, and I truly hope that you’re resting in peace. I love you,” my father said.

“I forgive you, but only because I need the peace of mind. You were not a good mother, and I guess whatever it was could be blamed, but I’m tired of holding onto this anger and hatred I had for you, so rest in peace Ellen,” Angel said after a while.

“Mom, I probably had the worst relationship with you. I forgive you for how you treated me, simply because I reminded you of the man that you had once loved so. I pray that your bitter soul is finally rested and at peace,” I ended on a whisper.

“We have finally made our peace with her. We can finally let go,” my father announced.

We spent a little more time there before hugging each other and heading our separate ways. My father was finally ready to introduce us to the woman he’s been secretly dating, and we agreed to have dinner after I returned from Thailand with my family.

The ride back home was a quiet and peaceful one, and I even stopped to get a caramel latte at a twenty four hour cafe. When I got home, I parked the car before heading inside. I jumped when I was met by Mordecai’s dark figure in the kitchen.

“You scared me,” I commented, switching the light on.

“Care to explain where you went at four in the morning?” he asked, his arms crossed as he attempted to hide his amusement.

“I actually left at two. We went to the cemetery,” I replied.

He frowned. “We being?”

“My father, Angel and I. We finally went to see Ellen together,” I informed, moving around to make him a cup of coffee.

“How was it?” he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist from behind.

I turned to look at him. “It was, relieving. We all got what we needed to get off of our chests and made peace with her. They also gave me some great advice.”

“Advice about us?” he asked knowingly.

“How did you know?” I asked.

“You’re my wife Bev. We may have spent eighteen months apart, but I still know you better than you think. Something has been bothering you about my return,” he pointed out, letting go of me.

I instantly missed his touch.

“So, what is it?” he asked when I wasn’t saying anything.

“I’m worried Kai. I’m worried that you’ll leave me like you did the first time. I’m afraid that if you don’t end up leaving me, then you’ll end up resenting me for what I did to you with the twins. I’m afraid that what we’re trying to build here will fail. I’m just so damn afraid,” I ended on a sob as he walked back to pull me into his arms.

“I don’t know how else to tell you that I’m not going anywhere, and that I don’t hate you. I know that you have lost some major faith in me, and I have no one to blame for that but myself, but I’m asking you to at least trust that I am trying my all best here. I haven’t been a parent as long as you have, and I’ve proven to be a shitty partner, but all I can ask is that you have faith in me, even if it’s only a little of the faith you lost in me. I will work my arse off to gain the rest,” he said.

I could only continue to cry into his chest. The reality of our situation was finally dawning on me, as the relief of having him back settled in. I would never have to face anything alone again. He was here for me and for our kids, and I was ready to learn to trust that.

“I trust you,” I whispered when my crying had calmed down.

“Are you sure?” he asked, tilting my chin so that I was looking up at him.

“I trust you,” I repeated, giving him a small smile. He leaned down and kissed me.

“I love you,” he said onto my lips.

“I love you too,” I said before reclaiming his lips in a searing kiss.

He carried me back to our room and showed me just how much he loves me.

By the time we boarded the jet, Kyle and Christie were still overly excited, while the twins were peacefully asleep. Mordecai and I groaned at the very thought of them waking up because of the air pressure as the plane takes off. As it is, it’s Kyle’s first time flying as well. My little girl has flown so many times with Walter, she’s pretty much ready for the pain.

“Daddy, Tee-Tee said that the plane is going to hurt my ears. Is it true?” Kyle asked Mordecai. I love his nickname for his sister. She has one for him too.

Christie looked at him in hurt. “Ky-Ky, I would never lie to you.”

“Your sister is right bud. It’s going to hurt, but it won’t last that long. You just need to keep chewing ok?” Mordecai told our son.

“I told you!” Christie huffed, crossing her arms with an adorable pout on her face.

“I’m sorry sissy,” Kyle said as he hugged her. From her smile, we knew she wasn’t mad anymore.

“Sir, we’re ready for takeoff,” Lenny announced.

“Alright guys, let’s buckle in,” Mordecai told us.

We buckled Kyle and Christie in, and once Lenny confirmed that we were ready, he got the jet moving. It was almost comical to watch Christie and Kyle chewing their bubblegum as vigorously as they were, until the twins ruined any chance of Kai and I finding any humour in the situation.

“Are they hungry?” Kyle asked me once the jet was settled in the air.

“They’re just in pain,” I sighed as we tried to get them to quiet down.

One would swear they were competing to see who could cry the loudest.

It only took a little over an hour, but they were finally asleep. Kyle and Christie were fascinated by the movies that Mordecai had gotten them, so they were covered. My said husband wasn’t anywhere near me, so I settled for looking out the window. We were still in America, but it was still an amazing view.

“Here you go gorgeous,” my husband brought me out of thought. I turned to find him holding a steaming cup of something.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Guess,” he smirked. I took a sip and fell in love with him all over again.

Geronimo’s white hot chocolate.

“I love you,” I smiled.

“I love you too gorgeous,” he winked, sitting beside me.

“I don’t know if I want to travel by air anymore,” I sighed, leaning into the chair.

“I don’t think we should travel by air with babies. If at any point we have kids under the age of two, we just shouldn’t,” he chuckled.

“Amen to that!” I giggled tiredly.

“I wouldn’t change this for anything though. I mean, the twins’ crying aside, I love the fact that I get to be with my family like this – especially because we’re going away to strengthen our bond,” he smiled.

“There are some major pros to this trip, despite the cons. I want this trip to go well so that I can at least be reassured that everything will be ok,” I commented.

“Everything will be fine Bev. You just need to have a little faith,” he held my hand.

We didn’t say anything after that. We just sat there, enjoying each other’s company without the need for conversation. Kyle and Christie fell asleep at some point, and we carried them to the room on the jet, where the twins were thankfully still very much asleep.

I don’t know when it is that I fell asleep, but when I woke up, we were still in the air, except I was sitting on Mordecai’s lap. He looked pretty comfortable, despite my added weight. He had reclined the chair so that we were both comfortable I guess.

I took the time to just stare at him. It was light outside, and by the looks of things, it looked like it was early in the morning from the little rays of sunshine shining in. One of them landed on his face, and I was surprised it hadn’t woken him up yet.

It’s been eighteen months with us apart, and even though he insists that I’ve matured and grown, the same could be said for him, and not just emotionally and mentally, but physically too. With him asleep, I was able to finally take a good look at him.

The stress from our situation must’ve physically aged him significantly. I mean, he still looked like the Mordecai I first met, with even bigger muscles, but the creases on his face and the bags under his eyes were a clear sign of his frustrations.

And I had played a part in this.

My heart did a strange leap at the very thought, and I could only imagine him telling me not to think of it like that – and in spite of the guilt I was feeling, for the first time since our reunion, I didn’t blame myself – or at least not as much as I have previously done.

We’ve both made mistakes, and dwelling on those mistakes will not help our relationship grow in any way. He’s already forgiven me and himself, and I’d hate to be the reason that we end up splitting again.

And that’s when it happened.

The feeling of acceptance rushed through me, and I could only smile as I continued to stare at my husband. I love this man, and no other man would ever have that honour. No other man would be loved by my kids either. Mordecai Preston Hart-Tedder is it for me.

“I knew from the moment we met at the hospital that you enjoy stalking me,” my husband mumbled.

“What?” I giggled. His eyes opened and then closed, before opening again and sleepily landing on me.

“How else would you explain staring at me like a creep while smiling to yourself?” he teased.

“Oh shut up! I’m making some very important decisions in my head,” I said before sticking my tongue out at him.

“Is that right? Like what exactly?” he asked.

“Like forgiving myself and having faith in our love,” I smiled.

“About damn time gorgeous,” he beamed.

I caressed his cheek. “I never want to lose you Kai, and if I don’t have faith, I will, so I believe in us and our future.”

“So do I Bev. That’s all I want from you. I will never ask you for anything else for the rest of our lives. Just as long as you trust me,” he smiled. I leaned in and kissed him sweetly.

“I love you Mordecai Preston Hart-Tedder,” I blushed.

“I love you even more Beverly Cecily Hart-Tedder,” he smirked before kissing me again.

The rest of our flight was spent with us actually talking about things, from the time we spent apart, and more about the future. I was beginning to get the old feelings back that I used to get with him, and our chemistry was definitely back.

We landed a few hours later, and getting the twins to stop crying once more was a mission, but they thankfully cried for a shorter time than they had the first time. Our luggage was taken to the SUV waiting for us, and soon enough, we were on our way to our hotel.

When we arrived, I only noticed then that it was late afternoon outside. The sun was setting beautifully and the view from the hotel entrance was breathtaking. Our bags were taken in as Mordecai went to get us checked in.

With our room key in hand, we headed up to the room. It was as amazing as everything I’ve seen since we arrived. The twins had fallen asleep once more, so Mordecai and I lay them on the bed. He told me that he needed to go and check something downstairs and Kyle and Christie wanted to go with him, so I settled for going to take a brief shower.

“What’s that?” I asked my son when I walked out to find him holding a beautiful white maxi-dress. The twins were nowhere in sight.

“Daddy said it’s for you and you should wear it right now,” he said with a toothy smile.

“Is it? And where’s daddy right now? Where are the twins?” I giggled.

“It’s a secret mommy. Don’t forget the flower,” Kyle smirked before handing me the dress and running out of the room.

I applied lotion to my body before putting the dress on and styling my hair and adding a little make-up. I put the white rose in my hair and it thankfully stayed in there. I left the room with no clue on where I was meant to go, but the white rose petals were enough of a clue.

I walked to the elevator and once inside, there was a rose petal put next to the ‘G’ for the ground floor, so I clicked on it. When the elevator reached the lobby, I could see the curious guests watching me as I followed the rose petals.

I felt like I was walking for quite a while. I’d been outside for a good two minutes, and just when I was about to give up, I saw it. In the distance, on the beach, was some kind of set up. From where I was, I could see white chairs, as well as a group of people.

The closer I got, I realized that the people were my family and friends. They all sent me amused smiles as I walked towards the light blue carpet where my son stood with a bouquet of white roses. There were already tears in my eyes as I realized that Mordecai was standing at the other end of the carpet, with a priest next to him and a make-shift altar with twinkling lights over them.

“Don’t cry mommy. You look beautiful,” my son told me, taking my hand in his.

I laughed, wiping away my tears. “Are you walking me down the aisle?”

“Yep! Daddy said it’s my honour. Tee-Tee already walked daddy,” he said proudly.

I looked up and Mordecai gave me an encouraging smile. I took Kyle’s hand as one of Mordecai and I’s favourite Mozart songs started playing. I looked to my guests and found that everyone was there, with Nellie and Jackson holding the twins.

“What’s going on?” I asked Mordecai once I’d reached him.

“Well, I didn’t do this right the first time round, and I simply cannot wait to make you my wife officially, so I got everyone’s permission and they all agreed, including Dr Dickson. I flew everyone here hours before us with the help of a friend who owns an airline. Anyway, I know that you’ve had your worries about whether or not we’ll ever be the same, or that I’ll leave you, and I guess I wanted to show you sooner than later that you’re it for me Beverly. I’ve made my mistakes in the past two years, but the one thing that has never changed, is my love for you. I haven’t slept with anyone else since I’ve met you, and simply because it just doesn’t get any better than you – and neither do I want to explore. I’ve made up my mind. This, us and our family, is it for me. I want nothing more from you, other than more kids. I just want to be able to say that you’re my wife, and that this is our forever. I love you, and I will never love any other woman the way I love you,” he told me, wiping away my tears.

“Well, I’ve been told that no-one present would object to this union, so I guess we can count those words as Mordecai’s vows,” the priest joked, making everyone laugh.

I couldn’t believe it, despite looking straight at Mordecai with the night settling around us. The skies were dusted with twinkling stars, and I couldn’t have asked for anything more perfect, besides this crazy man who wants to tie himself to me for the rest of our lives.

“Would you like to say anything Beverly?” the priest asked me.

“I love you Mordecai, and I cannot wait for a forever with you.”