Chapter 37

The day of my mom’s memorial service came too soon.Jeff and I had made the trek to my house and found picture albums my grandma wanted for the service.Pamela,Jeff,and I had spent the day before putting them together on several large foam boards.

Grandma had always been crafty,so she had run to a scrapbooking store and purchased ribbons,fake flowers,and stickers to decorate the place.She was determined to create a space worthy of my mom.I had to admit,I was pretty impressed.

The weight of our mutual confessions allowed Jeff and I to finally put away the weirdness between us—at least for a while—and get back to being best friends.Things were bound to change in some way,we both knew that.But not yet.

While we were at my house,I found the one blazer I owned and a pair of nice slacks and took them back to the hotel.I was staying there until after the memorial service.Grandpa had pulled me aside and told me we would need to talk about more permanent living arrangements for after graduation,as well as what to do with the house once things settled down.

For the moment,I just wanted to get through the service.My grandparents had booked a local community center,since we weren’t members of a church.Jeff offered to drive Pamela and me,so she and I were standing in the lobby waiting for his text.Pamela wore a pretty gray dress that my grandma had purchased the day before.One look at my sister,and I knew she would never wear the dress again.I’d be surprised if she didn’t toss it into the trash the minute she got back to the hotel.Pamela hated dresses,so why would she want to keep a dress bought only for the purpose of remembering our dead mother?

I was worried about her.She hadn’t eaten anything this morning and her eyes looked empty.I understood the emptiness,though.My mind started to wander to my father,sitting in the county jail,and I shut it off.He was the last person I wanted to think of.

My phone buzzed,and without looking,I knew it was Jeff.“He’s here,Pamela.Let’s go.”

No acknowledgement,but she followed me to the truck and climbed in.

Jeff’s eyebrows raised in query.I just shrugged as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the community center.From the corners of my eyes,I glanced at him.He looked nice.Black slacks.White button-down shirt.Gray blazer.

It seemed so strange that we were all dressed up to celebrate my mom,but she was the only one who wasn’t there.I turned to look out the window when tears welled up,wiping at them before they spilled down my cheeks.There were going to be a lot of tears,but I at least wanted to arrive to the service looking presentable.Something about the idea of my mom looking down on me and seeing me crying was unsettling.I wanted her to be proud of how I dealt with the memorial service.

When I first walked into the room where the service was being held,I had to admit my surprise.It was really beautiful.Chairs were lined up in rows facing the east end of the room,where a wooden object—I thought it was called a lectern,but wasn’t sure—stood.Flowers of all colors and potted plants were spaced throughout the room.The posters we worked on sat on tall easels at the front of the room,along with a blown-up,framed picture of my mom.

I made my way to it and Pamela followed close behind.Mom was smiling directly into the camera,so it almost appeared like she was looking at us.The photo was clearly from years ago,when she was younger and happier.The stress lines in her face hadn’t appeared yet.

“You look like her,”I told Pamela.

She squeezed my hand.“Really?”

I smiled down at her.“I hadn’t realized how much until just now.You have her eyes and her smile.”

Tears spilled onto her cheeks and I let go of her hand so I could wrap my arms around her.“It’s going to be okay.We’regoing to be okay.I promise,Pamela.”

“I hate him,”she said,her voice muffled against my shirt.I didn’t have to ask who she meant.

“I know.Me,too,but let’s not think about him right now.Today is about celebrating Mom’s life and I don’t want thoughts of him poisoning the day.”

She sniffled before pulling away and straightening her shoulders.“You’re right.”

I hugged her again.

“Where’s Jeff?”

He’d gone to help set up a table in the lobby area for my grandma.Something with more pictures.“Must still be helping Grandma.Why don’t we go find him?”

She nodded.“You’re lucky you have him.He loves you so much.”

Her words stopped me in my tracks.“What?Why do you say that?”

“Anyone can see it,silly.Mom and I talked about it several times.It’s in his eyes every time he looks at you.”

I was stunned.Mom had made it clear she knew I was gay when we’d talked in the hospital.She’d even gone so far as implying Jeff was more than a friend.I’d brushed it aside at the time.But now,knowing she and Pamela had talked about it…well,could he care about me that way?Knowing he was gay still blew my mind.And honestly,I was still pissed he hadn’t told me once I’d come out to him.

Was my mom right?Had she known something about Jeff that I didn’t see?Either way,I was grateful she knew and had accepted me for who I was.It overwhelmed me and I couldn’t stop the tears

“Let’s go find him,”I said,my voice strained,as we left the room in search of Jeff.Friend.Lover.It didn’t matter now.I would need him to get through the event.