Chapter 36

My phone pinged and I glanced at the screen.Jeff had texted me and his message was eerily close to my own feelings.

Can’t sleep.Miss you.

My fingers texted before I thought the matter through.

Me:I’m awake too.So exhausted.

Jeff:Want me to come over?

Me:Yes.

Jeff:Be there in a few.

Why the hell had I done that?Fuck.I was torn between needing him and telling him to stay home.My fingers refused to budge,though,and the screen stayed blank.I needed him more than I wanted to continue to be angry with him.I was weak and I let the tears fall as I stared out the window,waiting for Jeff.

I texted Pamela to tell her where I was just in case she woke up while I was downstairs.I didn’t want her to be scared.My head fell back against the sofa and I closed my eyes against the tears that seemed to spring up endlessly.Was this grief?God,I missed my mom.

My father’s face came to mind and I clenched my hands.Pure rage ran through me and I hit the cushion next to me with my balled-up fist,wishing I were hitting him instead.For so many years,he had tormented us.He was a hateful human being and his anger had killed my mom.I used to wonder what made him that way,but now I didn’t care.I just wanted him to rot in jail.

God,I had spent my life hiding myself from him.Pretending I was fine with how he treated me,Pamela,and Mom.Had my pretended apathy contributed to my mom’s death?I couldn’t bear it if that were the case.

I pulled up my legs and hugged them,resting my head on my knees.Sobs tore through me and I squeezed my eyes shut again,trying to close out the painful memories.

When the cushion next to me dipped,I opened my eyes to see Jeff lean in and wrap his arms around me.

“I’m here,Aaron.I’m here.”

I gave in to sobs as I clawed at his shirt.“She’s gone,Jeff.”

“I know.I’m here.For anything you need.”

Panic gripped me and I held him tight.“I know you hate me,but please don’t leave me,Jeff.I need you right now.”

He tried to pull back,but I held tightly.I didn’t want to see his face.I just needed things to be like they were before the fight.

“I don’t hate you,Aaron.I could never hate you,”he whispered,his lips brushing the top of my head.

My heart slammed against my ribs as I realized I might not be losing my best friend after all.“I know we need to talk,but can we just…pretend everything is the same as before so I can get through this?”

A long silence ensued before Jeff finally spoke.“We can do that,but things aren’t the same.”

My heart shattered right then,and I felt the pieces break off and slice through my veins.I didn’t know what to do.I pulled away,and yet,I wanted to be in his arms.The paradox was more than I could handle.“You need to leave,”I ordered,my teeth clenched.

His eyes widened in shock.“What’s wrong?I’m not going anywhere!”

“What’s wrong?”I nearly shrieked.“What’s wrong?”I seethed as I stood and looked out the window,my arms crossed over my chest,before twirling around on him.“In the last week,my father beat my mom to a pulp,I came out to my best friend,my mom died,and now I’m losing my best friend!That’s what’s wrong!”

The lady at the counter coughed.

I cringed,realizing I was making a scene.

Jeff stared open-mouthed before standing in front of me.He grabbed my arms and leaned down.“Now you listen to me,Aaron.You are notlosing me!Haven’t you figured it out yet?”His voice came out in a quiet rush and his grip around my arms tightened.“I’m gay,Aaron!No matter what happens,you will neverlose me!”

“You’re gay?”

Jeff let go of me and threw up his arms.“Shit,it took you long enough to understand!”

My eyes narrowed.“Why didn’t you tell me when I came out to you?”

Jeff blushed.“I was going to tell you the night…the night your mom got hurt.At least,that was the plan.”He shrugged and looked around the lobby,raking his hands through his hair.“And then later,you came out and I didn’t know what to say.I didn’t want you to think I was taking advantage of you while you were vulnerable.”

My mind blown,I cocked my head and swallowed hard.I stared at him,my heart pounding so hard I felt it in my ears.

“I know this is the worst time in the world to lay this on you,Aaron.I’m sorry.I just couldn’t let you continue to think you were losing me.You…”He cleared his throat and looked at me,his eyes wet.“You’re my best friend.No matter what.You always will be.”

What could I say?I had to tell him the truth about my feelings.Pacing in front of the window,needing the space between us,I thought through the words I wanted to say.But one glance at Jeff told me now wasn’t the time…he was trying to be strong for me.If I told him I had feelings for him and he denied me,I didn’t think I could handle it.“I thought I embarrassed you.I didn’t want to lose my best friend,and it seemed like I would.I’m so fucking confused and angry and every other damn emotion you can think of right now.Losing my mom…my father’s in jail…I didn’t think I could handle losing you,too.The way you’ve been with all this”—my voice broke as I waved my arms—”this craziness with my life…I couldn’t deal with all this without you.”I shook my head and my lips curved into a small smile.“Shit,we’re idiots,Jeff.You should have told me and I shouldn’t have let things build up in my head.Jon told me I was wrong about you.”

A grin spread across Jeff’s face as he wrapped me in his arms.I melted against his chest.No matter what happened,I wouldhave Jeff.Things were going to be okay.I tried not to focus on how good it felt to be in his arms.But knowing he was there to support me and help me get through this hellish time made me fall just a little harder for him.I sighed and pulled away.Time to push aside those thoughts again.