Chapter 137 THE INFAMOUS NICKNAME
MERRIELYNN.
I found him in the living room.
Cormac was sitting on the couch with a cigarette between his fingers, and he wasn’t wearing a shirt.
His hair was still damp from the shower he must have taken in the guest bathroom. Water droplets were sliding down his neck and over his shoulders. Dark ink sprawled across his ribs in intricate patterns that wrapped around hisarm and disappeared toward his back where I couldn’t see the rest.
He looked up when I walked in.
His green eyes locked onto mine and something in them blazed. He brought the cigarette to his lips slowly, taking a drag while he held my gaze, and I felt that look travel all the way through me.
I crossed the room and sat down next to him, tucking my legs underneath me.
Color spread across his face when he noticed me studying him. His cheeks flushed and thebright pink went down his neck.
He cleared his throat and leaned forward, ashing the cigarette into the tray on the coffee table. Then he left it sitting there completely. Smoke curled up from where it was smoldering.
“You don’t have to stop smoking just because I’m here,” I said.
He ran a hand through his damp hair. The gesture looked nervous. Like he didn’t know what to do with himself.
“It’s a bad habit,” he said quietly. “I picked it up after Lorelai died. I haven’t really been able to kick it.”
I stared down at a spot on the floor.
The silence that fell between us was thick and I didn’t know how to break through it.
Cormac let out this long breath. When I glanced over, he was shaking his head. There was this bitter smile twisting his mouth.“I’ve been waiting for this day for so long,” he said. He was still staring straight ahead. “I imagined it in my head a thousand different ways. What I would say to you. How you would react.” He finally looked at me. “And now that it’s actually here, I don’t even know where to start.”
Something in his expression cracked open.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I frowned. “For what?”
“For how I treated you.” The words came out rough like they physically hurt to say. “When you came back to Pinnthorpe. The blackmail.” He stopped himself. His jaw clenched. “I’m sorry for all of it.”
My chest felt tight. “Did you do all that because you were angry I had come back into your life?”
“What? No.” His head whipped toward me so fast I almost flinched. “No, that’s not it. That’s not even close to why.”
He leaned forward. He braced his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands.
“After my father sent you away, I completely lost myself,” he said into his palms. “I didn’t know who I was anymore. Everything that made me who I was just disappeared. What was left was this angry, destructive thing that I didn’t even recognize.”
He lifted his head but he didn’t look at me.
“The drinking started first. Then the drugs. Then the fights came next. At school, outside school, it didn’t matter. I would pick fights with anyone who looked at me wrong.” His hands curled into fists. “I became the exact opposite of the brother I had been to Lorelai. She would have hated what I turned into.”
He shook his head. He let out this hollow laugh.
“It was chaotic,” he said.
“Chaos,"I whispered. “That’s how you got your nickname."
His smile was weak. It didn’t reach his eyes at all. “Yeah. Probably how.”
The silence stretched between us again. This time it felt different. Heavier with all the things we weren’t saying.
“I wasn’t proud of who I had become,” he continued after a moment. “But I also didn’t care enough to change. I had no reason to. Nothing mattered to me anymore.”
Then he turned to look at me. His green eyes were so intense it felt like he could see straight through every wall I had ever built.
“But then you came back to me.”
My heart did this stupid fluttering thing in my chest. I couldn’t look away from him.
We just stared at each other. The air between us felt charged with everything we had lost and somehow found again.
He broke eye contact first. He looked down at his hands.
“That night when I realized you still couldn’t remember me, that you had absolutely no idea who I was, I completely lost it,” he said. His voice went rough. “Because having you right there in front of me but being unable to reach you was the worst kind of torture I could possibly imagine.”
He dragged both hands through his hair. He gripped the strands hard.
“It would have been easier if you hated me,” he said quietly. “If you looked at me with disgust or anger or anything that actually made sense. Because then at least the distance between us would have had a reason. But you didn’t hate me. You just didn’t know me. And somehow that was so much worse.”
He dropped his hands. He looked at me again and I could see all the pain written across his face.
“I fucked up so badly, Merrielynn,” he said. My name came out broken on his lips. “I hurt you when all I wanted to do was protect you. I pushed you away when all I wanted was to pull you close.”
He stopped. He swallowed hard.“I’m not the same Cormac you left behind.”
The confession just hung there in the air between us.
I scooted closer until our legs were touching. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and rested my head against the curve where his shoulder met his neck. His skin was still warm and slightly damp from the shower.
I could feel his heartbeat against my cheek. It was fast and uneven.
“I’m not the same person either,” I said softly. “I experienced things that changed me too. Things that made me different from the girl who lost her memories.”
I pressed my words into his skin like I could somehow make him feel how much I meant them.
“I spent two years living a life I didn’t choose,” I continued. “I went through it without mourning my father. Without grieving my best friend. Without understanding why everything felt so wrong all the time.”
I reached down. I took his hand and threaded my fingers through his.
“So I don’t want you sitting here beating yourself up about what happened between us during those first few months at Pinnthorpe,” I said. “We were both hurting. We were both completely lost.”
I took a breath. I was gathering my courage for what I needed to say next.
“I didn’t get to tell you this at the resort,” I said. “But I wanted to.”
Cormac turned his head to look at me. His green eyes were searching my face, laden with questions.
I was quiet for a second. I was trying to find the right words.
Then the tears came. I had to blink them back.
“I love this version of you, Cormac.”
His eyes went glassy immediately. Tears pooled at the edges and he turned his head away fast. Like he didn’t want me to see them fall.
“Hey,” I said. My voice came out soft as I reached for his shoulder.
He pressed his fingers against his eyes. His shoulders were rigid and tense.
After a long moment, he lifted his head. I cupped his jaw and turned him back toward me.
His lashes were wet and clumped together. His eyes were red and shining with unshed tears.
I held his gaze. I felt my heart expand in my chest until it actually hurt.
Goddess, I was so completely and utterly in love with this man it absolutely terrified me.
I leaned in. I kissed him.
It was soft and gentle. It said everything I couldn’t figure out how to put into words.
When I pulled back, I kept my forehead pressed against his.
“We have more than enough time to get to know these versions of ourselves,” I whispered.
Cormac’s hand came up. It covered mine where it rested against his jaw. He held it there and his thumb brushed over my knuckles in this slow, reverent way that made my chest ache.
“Thank you,” he said. His voice was thick with emotion. “Thank you for coming back to me.”