Chapter 154: Nothing Is Right

AALIFA NIYAZ

I didn’t want this moment to come, I swear, I didn’t.

I was willing to bear anything but circumstances had become too difficult and I could no longer see another path ahead for us.

I doubt any happy path awaits us as I won’t stop resenting myself. I was endeavoring to stop these thoughts and feelings but I couldn’t.

Hiding my face in the sheets, my lips were quivering but my eyes were dry as I was frightened to witness the anguish plastered on his face.

“I originally planned to make you fall for me, to make you submit to me and then leave you… this marriage never meant anything to me.” I confessed, telling the plan I guessed he had already understood yet let it happen.

“But after my pregnancy, for one second, I thought about… giving us a chance and now it’s gone. So are all my reasons to stay with you.”

He wanted me so badly that he didn’t bother about anything and allowed me to stray… until it grew uncontrollable.

I wasn’t supposed to fall for him, I never intended to still. I couldn't stop it.

“I broke your heart how you broke mine, I got justice for Asim, I… did everything I originally planned… Unintentionally though but I have no reasons to be a part of your life anymore.”

Continuing, I gathered my strength and sat up with a hanging low head.

Another remorse collected in me, increasing my hatred for myself.

I could no longer look at my reflection in the mirror, I could no longer find anything good in me, I had begun to detest myself to the core.

I hate it, I hate all of it.

With tears recollecting, I couldn’t endure his shining tears so I emitted dejection with a lowered gaze only to receive silence as response from him.

It took him a while to register the depth of my words, causing him to blink before letting out a low, delicate exhale.

“Just a second,”

Lifting my heavy head, I glanced at him. Bewildered, I wondered what came to his mind as he rose from the bed.

He came from the closet, holding a gun in his hands, drying my throat in dread. Stiffed, I remained motionless, praying he wouldn't do anything ridiculous.

Frightened by the glistening tear, I couldn’t lift a finger as he sat beside me again.

Slamming the gun in my hands, he pressed it over his heart and growled furiously.

“Kill me before leaving then,”

Narrowing my eyes in agony, my hands trembled. With a tear rolling down, I attempted to leave the gun but he tightened his grip, forcing me to keep the gun near his heart.

“Zaviyaar, please.” I whimpered, shaking my head in denial.

Snaking his other hand around my neck, he gripped my hair and forced me to stare into his outraged and frightened gaze, becoming breathless.

“Zaviyaar…” I whispered weakly.

I believed, deep down, he must have also thought the same but I doubt he would accept it. His rage gradually converted into pure hopelessness.

“Don’t go, Aalifa. Have mercy on me,”

He literally begged, pressing his forehead against mine with a simultaneous tear rolling down.

My body was convulsing with unbearable pain from the miscarriage in me. I couldn’t endure this anymore. I honestly found taking a step with him extremely hard.

I couldn’t.

Shutting my eyes, I ripped us apart, slamming my hands down to his laps, I ended up yelling the agonizing fact we both knew.

“Can’t you see there is no future for us!? That we will never be together!?”

He was taken aback at my outburst as I pulled my hair, shaking violently in apprehension, in anguish because deep down.

“I killed our child! I kept saying it was a mistake, I didn’t want it… so Allah actually took it from me!”

Clutching my chest while breaking into tears, I wailed, “My heart was screaming- ‘You didn’t want this na? Then there you go, I took it away,!’ What faults did it have?!”

Zaviyaar was stunned for a few seconds when I burst the guilt inside me, constricting my soul, reminding me of all my immoralities.

Gasping for air, I scooted closer, holding his collar sorrowfully with endless tears rolling down my cheeks

“I agree, Zaviyaar, I thought it to be a mistake. For a moment, I didn’t want it… But! I swear! I didn’t want it to die! I didn’t! I didn’t!”

My actions, that had done nothing to but cause more suffering, were intolerable for me. It was unbearable to fathom my wrong thinking.

One. Fucking. Wrong. Thought.

And here I was. I lost it. How worse could I become? Was it my punishment? Must be. I deserved it for my constant disappointment.

For never becoming grateful for anything in life.

“I-I didn’t think that I would actually.. Lose it. I am sorry, I am so sorry, this is all my fault. I didn’t want our baby to die,”

Wailing, I released my miserable grip on him weakly and covered my face with my hands from the disheartened condition of mine.

“I am sorry, I am so sorry, I should have wished and prayed for the better but I was so stuck in my depression that I discarded everything… Please forgive me,”

“Please don’t say this, please, Aalifa.”

Cupping my cheek, Zaviyaar forcefully removed my hands to reveal my watery face mixing with tears and sorrow to him. Panting, my anguish refused to be consoled.

I did this to myself, this darkness was my fault.

“Why not, Zaviyaar? My guilt, my depression, my fears, I did this. Just because I was ashamed of my actions, of myself, I led us to destruction!”

With a whisper-yelled, I ended up sobbing more with the sound of it echoing in the room. Crying from the anguish I gave to us.

Falling back to create some distance so his hands couldn’t touch, I crawled back and hit the bedpost with deafening sobs, overwhelming his mute teary and deadpan face.

“My actions were wrong, my choices were wrong! I was wrong! Loving you was always wrong! Nothing in my life is right!”