#100 The only Mara and Liam

Hearing their voices behind me, I step into the darkness. This time, the winds won't stop me. I light up my fire, holding it around me like a halo. I ground my feet in the ice and keep going, despite the darkness blowing on me. I feel it, this horrible mix of anger, pain, frustration. All those dark feelings keep whooshing in my ears, on my body, so violently it starts to dig little cuts on my skin. I can't even tell if it hers, or mine. It's just pain, echoing mine over and over, and I ought to fight through it.

Right now, I don't fucking care about the physical pain. I feel it, ripping my flesh and slowly pressuring every inch of my body, but I don't give a bloody damn. This hurricane can break me, she can crush me with this. She can break all of my bones and cut all of my skin open, it will never hurt as much as the pain bleeding from my bond to my mate... I feel it. Even when I can't see him, I feel Liam, his pain, and our bond getting thinner and weaker every second. I don't have time.

I force my entry in, I keep going like a madwoman. Like a mad, angry witch. She can't scare me, this darkness doesn't scare me. If anything... This just fuels my dark emotions, and makes me even stronger.

"You don't know it," her voice says, echoing around me. "You don't know the pain yet, and that darkness. How it fills you up, eats you up until there's nothing left!"

I scoff. Really? She thinks she can intimidate me with this?

"You're so wrong. I'm not scared of your darkness. I was... born from the darkness. I am a Dark witch, even more than you are; I already went through it all."

That's right. I experienced it all, through Clarissa. Her pain, her screams, so many emotions she shouldn't have gone through. I lived all of it, through her memories, her journal and this body. She suffered a hundred times, and tried to fight. She fought depression, loneliness, and the anger from the injustice of being born with a broken body.

"You think you're the only one who lost someone?" I growl, pissed. "You think you're the only woman who ever suffered, who became jealous and bitter? Wake the fuck up! Everyone's got some darkness in them!"

"Oh, you think you can give me lessons on pain? You think you're better than me, perhaps? But... what happens when you actually lose your mate, Mara Jones?"

No, I can't let that happen!

I light up my fire, searching inside to find the strength, and throw those fireballs around. They disappear into the darkness, hitting apparently nothing. Damn it...

"Oh, I feel your anger..." She whispers. "Of course, we are angry. We are sad, and helpless. You're going to suffer through it too... And then, you'll know what this darkness truly is about."

I can already feel it.

The fear that crawls into my mind as I'm running out of options, and Liam is running out of time. That heavy weight in my heart, pulling me down to the point I want to fall on my knees and cry, break before it crushes me. That invisible hand that's choking me up, suppressing the words and thoughts until there's nothing left but the chaos, a bastard mix of fear and anguish. I want to cry, scream, howl. I don't want to feel this, I don't want to carry this burden, to even think that Liam might really... be gone.

I need him. I need my mate, I need his warmth, his gentle smiles, and the way he completes me perfectly. His blue-grey eyes that carry a million words, and the way his hands touch me. I love the way we are together, one of the same he and I, and how we're different yet perfect as one. How many people get to find their perfect match? The right person for them, the one you know will hold on even if things get damaged a little, even if... you're the one that's been damaged already. Liam is my rock, the one who will hold on, be there and support me when I need him. He's the one who makes me feel like... there's nothing we can't accomplish together. We could run to the moon and back together, and laugh like bloody teenagers getting high on our own kind of crazy.

But... Liam is going.

He's going to a place where I can't reach, where I can't follow. Somewhere I can't feel him anymore... Instead of our bond, a void is growing, huge, deep and horrifying. That monster is sucking me in, filling my mind with despair, and that pain as if I'll never recover from it. Just... it's empty. It's fucking empty, where I felt him. I can't feel his wolf, I can't feel him. There's nothing left of him.

"Liam..." I cry, out of breath.

I close my eyes, forgetting everything else, and I try to search for him. I try to hold on to that faint, derisory hope that I'll find his light, somewhere inside, just if I look deep enough.

But there isn't one. I gasp, unable to stand anymore. He's... gone. No, no, no. I must be wrong, somehow. This must be an illusion, or I must be dreaming. I can't...

*Nora...?* I call out, my throat so tight I wouldn't be able to say this out loud.

*M-Mara... I... I'm so... so sorry, Mara... I...*

I feel it fall deep, deep inside.

It... hurts. Moon Goddess, it hurts so much. I feel the tears coming, but there's nothing worse than that huge pain in my chest. It grips me inside, it... wrecks everything. Sadness flows in, pours in, making me strangely... numb. I need to remind myself to breathe. I try to breathe, but, fuck, it... it hurts. So, so much.... I keep sobbing, my throat, head and heart painful. I can't hold it in. I cry like a child, like nothing else matters. I hear my loud crying resonate, my erratic breathing, the broken gasps and my own wailing.

"See... You and I are the same..."

I wipe the tears from my face, even if more come running down it. I look around, no, I glare around.

"The same?" I repeat, so much anger built up in my voice. "...You think we're the same?"

"The loss of our mate is something only another can understand..."

"YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW!" I shout furious. "Don't you fucking compare my pain to yours!"

"You're the same as I was," she whispers, almost gently. "This pain..."

"This pain is mine, and mine alone! I don't give a damn about your pain, about you and your mate! Liam was my mate, and you have no idea how I feel! Don't compare me to you, don't compare my mate to yours! Liam and I had something no one else can understand!"

I light my flames, grown much larger by my fury. I start burning, all of my body, just like the havoc I feel inside.

"You know nothing!" I cry out. " You think I feel like you? There's no fucking way, Luna! My pain is mine alone! There's no fucking comparing it!"

I keep scorching my surroundings. My fire is burning bright, large, and unafraid to have everything go down in flames around us. I feel those flames all over my body, like a human torch, and I won't stop until I burn down every damn thing and have her come out. She wanted some darkness, she's going to be fed bloody ashes!

"I felt the same anger when I understood."

She suddenly appears in front of me, and I calm down the flames that were pouring out my hands, bringing them back, close to my body. My eyes hurt from crying so much, tears still rolling down my face. The heat of my body carves long streams along my face, where those tears dry as far as they managed to roll down.

"It's not the same," I scoff, suddenly laughing nervously. "The same? For it to be the same, you should have known who Liam was, how much he mattered to me. He was my mate, not yours. You know nothing of Liam. The few but amazing memories we had together. The way he... smiled when he looked at me. You should have known the touch of his hands on my body, how he made every inch of my skin feel. There are no two Liams, and there aren't two Maras, either. There's only us. And I swear, you're not going to take any of that and claim it as yours."

A strange calm suddenly dominates me. Perhaps because I've let out all my emotions, my mind is clear as crystal, at this very moment. I look down, and, quickly, prepare a magic circle under our feet. She frowns, looking down, but takes another step closer to me.

"Mara, this darkness... You should know how it feels, now. You and I went through the same experience... I can show you how to become more powerful than before."

"I only care about powerful if I can fucking blow you up," I hiss. "You were right, Luna. The darkness is alluring. It's powerful, and it's easy to give in. But you know what? It's no fucking answer."

I trigger my magic circle, and just as she realizes what's going on, I lock it, closing my fists and turning them as if I'm turning an invisible key underneath us. She gasps, and stops moving. No, she can't move. She tries to fight it, grimacing, but I'm holding onto her. Now that she stole Ravena's physical envelope, she's much more easier to catch and trap. And now that I am also using that dark magic, I don't bloody care about hurting a body that's already dead.

"Let me go!" She screams.

"Oh, I won't," I state, taking deep breaths; "You killed my mate. I don't feel the slightest bit like letting you go."

I tighten it. Like a gigantic claw around her, she makes a grimace, and I don't care. I just make it tighter, and tighter, until I'm really sure she can't move, she can't escape. She probably can't breathe, either. I light the fire in my hand, leaving the other to lock that magic circle, keeping her where I want her.

Slowly, I finally step closer to her. I carry my pain and my anger with me, like huge weights I'm consciously taking in with me, swallowing it. With each breath I take, there's still this darkness, hammering me with the painful, bottomless realization that Liam is gone. It hurts, it hurts and it won't go away. Still, I keep going. I want her to see this.

As she sees me approaching, she smiles.

"You want to kill me, don't you? You want me to suffer, like I made your mate suffer and bleed."

I burn her. I didn't hesitate a moment before sending that fireball to hit her shoulder, and I don't regret it as she screams in pain, falling down on her knees and violently shaking. A bitter smile appears on my lips. I let the darkness come in, pouring its strength in me like a painless poison. That's right, I'm a dark witch. I won't blink twice about giving back the pain she gave me... but, strangely, it won't give me any kind of satisfaction. Stranger is the fact that I already knew all that. Perhaps because I've already experienced so many negative emotions, I know there is nothing that will relieve the pain of my heart. Crying, screaming, hurting to the point that I'm physically in pain won't hurt. So, how could hurting her instead even do me any good?

I take a deep breath instead, aware of my heart feeling like a bottomless, dark hole, and get down on one knee, to her height.

"If you're still there, why would I think any of what you did relieved your pain in any way, Luna?"

Her eyes open wide in shock, this time. That's right; there's nothing she can teach me about the darkness. Little Mara may have taught me the higher levels of magic, but Clarissa was the one who gifted me with the understanding of what darkness, true darkness of the heart, is really like. It has the same color as fear, the same taste as despair.

"There's something you don't understand," I say. "No matter what I do to you, it won't alleviate the pain from the loss of my mate. I can swallow all of that darkness around us, to the very last bit of it, become the darkest witch the world has ever known, and it won't change the truth that makes me bleed inside. And you know who taught me that in the first place? ...You did."

She makes a sour grimace, but... I don't react to it at all. Instead, I close my eyes, and take a deep breath.

I open myself up, and, slowly, I use my sadness, this despair that overtakes everything else in my mind, and I take all of that darkness in. Everything. I absorb the whole hurricane, as if I was drinking it, letting it pour into that bottomless pit I feel, right where my bond to Liam was before. I take in as much as I can. All that sadness, that anger, that pain... It's so raw, and painful, but I am in that strange state where... None of it matters. Nothing else can hurt me anymore.

"You don't understand..." She mutters painfully. "You... you're all the same. You can't understand my pain. You've never gone through the same..."

I ignore her, and, while I keep that darkness coming to me, I know what it is I truly need, right now. I focus, as much as I can, until I can reach out to them. Like a thin, shining thread into the fog. I find their inner voice, their inner selves, and I hold on to them, like someone would ring the alarm for help.

*Mara!*

They jump in at the same time, both crossing that fog like lights in the darkness. I open my eyes, and see them. Selena, growling between Luna and I, and Nora, running towards.

I finally let go, and, just as she comes to me, I hug Nora's white fur. I feel her quiet, cold strength coming over me.

*I'm sorry...* She sobs. *Mara, I am so sorry... I really tried...*

I can't utter a word. As if Selena and Nora's return were making Liam's death twice more real, and twice as painful. I can't stop sobbing, and I can't let go of the white fur, of Nora's gentle embrace. The darkness I've taken all inside is like a dead weight dragging me down, and Nora is making that weight fade, grounding me there. I feel her sorrow, and Selena's anger, both echoing mine.

Strangely, we share several minutes like this, in silence, just my crying and Nora's, and Selena's faint growling, despite the pain I feel coming from her too. I just need... those two. I need their support. They have something Luna will never be able to have; a real, genuine bond with Liam. They both knew my mate, and thus, they are the ones able to understand even just a share of my pain. Luna will never, ever have that.

After a while, I open my eyes back up, ignoring how they burn from crying so much, how my inner powers of fire and water are slowly melting inside, fueling me with something new, something dangerous. I take a deep breath, my fingers still hanging on to Nora's fur. But I have to put an end to this. I swallow, trying to get something to pass down my tight throat, and I redirect my attention to Luna.

She's mad. Her glaring eyes are fueled with anger, directed at the three of us.

"You can't run away from this..." She mutters. "This pain will haunt you forever."

"Oh, I know," I retort. "However, unlike you, I'm prepared to let it haunt me, Luna. I won't give it to anyone else like you did, and I won't ignore it."

I take another deep breath and close my fist against my chest, right where this dark hole is.

"This is what you can't understand. This darkness is not an answer. It is no beginning, neither is it the end, Luna. It will stay there, and there's no getting rid of it so easily. There is no magic that can alleviate my pain, and I don't want it to, either. I won't give it to you, I'll suffer through every stage of it. ...Because if I don't face it, it will be as if what Liam and I had was never real in the first place."

"You can't!" She yells, furious. "I can give you the power to bring him back! You've seen my powers, you've seen what true magic is like! You can have him back, Mara Jones. Your mate. You can bring Liam back!"

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*Author Note: Thank you for reading! Please make sure to leave a (kind) comment if you enjoyed! Big announcement coming up on my Social Media, look for @AuthorJennyFox and don't miss! ^-^