102-A Just War
**XAVER**
*Turn around.*
I don’t. I keep driving. With each mile, hell, with each inch, I push myself forward into a bleak future.
The monster in me still has control. I don’t want him to go just yet. If he leaves, I will have to face what I did. I am not ready for that. Don’t think I will *ever* be.
*You hurt her. Badly.*
*I did. Fuck, I did.*
*You left her alone and unprotected.*
Something I swore I wouldn’t do. When we had our conversation in the library, the time when she trusted me enough to let her walls down and reveal her secrets, I promised never to leave her to harm.
And that is what I did.
*She is in no danger right now. I can decide in the morning what to do about the situation. That is soon enough.*
*You will sleep alone tonight. And in the morning, she won’t be there for you to watch as she sleeps.*
Seeing Pippa asleep is what I look forward to everyday. When I slip out of bed to work out, I watch her for a few minutes, taking in the breathtaking sight of the woman who is mine.
“Ah, dammit.”
*You screwed up, Sayle.*
Don’t I know it. My reaction was avoidable and wholly unnecessary, not to mention reprehensible.
My insides burn.
It is beginning—the bad feelings are coming. The monster within me squashes them down. However, the fix is only temporary, as cracks appear like spider webs in the mist. Those *feel baddies* bubble up like Mentos in a can of Coke.
I had let my mouth get away from me.
Just like after the shopping trip.
When Pippa had fled the car, Alfonso had twisted in his seat. His usually smooth features were scrunched up in anger and his eyes had spat fire.
If Pippa’s abrupt departure from the car hadn’t shocked me into silence, Alfonso’s face had.
*“Xaver,”* he had said, *“I hope you and yours never know what it is like to grow up abused and hungry.”*
The way he used my given name, for the first time since we had met, and the way he hurried from the car, not even helping with the bags, let me know I had let him down.
Cold shame and hot disappointment had battled it out for dominance that day. Much like they are doing now. I feel like roadkill, warmed up in the microwave, then wolfed down by a man with no teeth.
How can I face her after saying what I did? Pippa will probably slam the door in my face.
If she even opens it, that is.
*Turn around.*
The Manhattan skyline twinkles like a homing beacon in the cloudless sky. The apartment is a short distance away. I can sleep on it—
*You snooze, you lose.*
The war rages inside me.
I tap a hand in a disjointed rhythm on my thigh. The skyscrapers loom closer. The image of Pippa *shrinking* appears in my mind. I shake my head to remove it.
Others take its place. The day I first met her. The night in LA. Her scar. Her hair. Her laugh. Her smile. Her face...
I turn around.
***
The scene, when I pull up, is straight from one of Jake’s movies. Police cars. Lights flashing. Cops standing about. Neighbors and tenants mill around outside. Their coats, buttoned up against the chill, look odd against their pajama-clad legs and feet encased in fuzzy slippers.
Hellfuck and damnation.
*This will stop me from getting to her…*
I see him, a blond head above the rest, and I know.
*I know.*
I double park and am out the door, tripping over my feet, on a collision course with the ground. An arm reaches out to steady me. I shake it off, continuing to run.
Bodies jump back in shock. A blue-uniformed arm tangles with my clothing. I push it aside.
“Hey, you can’t—”
Justice intervenes. “That’s his girl…”
My heart hammers like it is tearing up concrete.
For the millionth time tonight, I choke down bile.
Her stepfather got to her. *Somehow,* he got to her.
I trip, slamming into Justice from the side. The impact sends us both spinning. With the damn reflexes of a jungle cat, he holds me up. The tremors in my body shake me like a rag doll. My vision is a blur of sights and sounds. It is much too hard to focus.
“Xaver.”
“Is she…”
His turquoise eyes are deep in their sockets. The life they normally carry has utterly drained from them.
Mine *must* mirror his.
“She is gone,” Justice says, shaking his head like a man in denial. “They took her to the hospital. She is in pretty bad shape.”
“W-which one?” I choke out.
“Come on, I will take you there.”