Chapter 5
No grand entrance needed - that's already good enough.
Back at the hotel, I kept replaying tonight's banquet in my mind. Nola had prepared everything for my fresh start, and I was truly grateful.
Despite the awkward run-in with Cleo, my close friends probably wouldn't notice my embarrassment anytime soon.
My phone kept flashing - I'd forgotten I'd put it on silent.
"Hello, Mrs. Morgan. Mr. Morgan is back and wants soup. You know I can't make it taste like yours." It was Indigo, our housekeeper.
I smiled bitterly. "Indigo, you're such a good cook. Anything you make would be better than mine."
"Mrs. Morgan, you're being too kind. Mr. Morgan specifically asked for the kind you usually make. Nothing I cook satisfies him."
A bowl of soup - does it really matter who makes it?
In the days after I'm gone, will Levi think of me because of a bowl of soup?
"It's already quite late. Let me tell you how to make it, and you can give it a try." I checked the time - it was already 10 PM.
"Alright, Mrs. Morgan. But please come back soon - Mr. Morgan and Celestia are back."
It suddenly hit me that Levi and Celestia had returned to the country.
I learned this news from Indigo - neither Levi nor Celestia had contacted me!
If it weren't for the soup, Indigo probably wouldn't have contacted me either. As the "lady of the house," I knew nothing...
Levi, can't you even give me a heads up?
Though he's always done whatever he wants, doesn't even Celestia miss me?
Celestia's face appeared in my mind. She's still a child - don't all children miss their mothers?
"Mrs. Morgan, I'll go make the soup now."
"Oh..."
I quickly asked, "Did he ask about me?"
"You mean Mr. Morgan? He didn't ask, but I told him you were away on business, and he... then he went to put Celestia to bed."
"I see."
I hung up, disappointment washing over me. Levi didn't even bother to ask where I was. A whole person was missing from the house, and he didn't care.
I couldn't understand what spell Jessa had cast to make Celestia grow distant from me. I used to be the one who told her bedtime stories and put her to sleep.
Turns out Levi could replace me in these things. In Celestia's heart, does she prefer being with her father?
Indeed, for all the family events, big and small, Levi always liked bringing Celestia. Though the outside world kept trying to find out who Celestia's mother was, Levi kept it tightly under wraps.
He never acknowledged me publicly. I was just someone he kept at home...
A nanny?
He'd even give Indigo more attention than me. I might be worth less than Indigo...
When the facts lined up one by one, I woke up again. Some things can't be achieved through effort alone - like winning Levi's heart.
But is it wrong to fall for someone excellent?
Can't feelings be cultivated slowly?
I pinched my palm, and when the sharp pain came, I suddenly missed Celestia so bad. This longing was mixed with unwillingness to accept it.
But reality shattered me once again...
The devotion I took pride in couldn't compete with the novelty of Jessa in Celestia's eyes. My occasional strictness seemed to have annoyed Celestia long ago.
I went from my contacts to my photo album. There were photos of Celestia, photos of Celestia and me, photos of Levi and Celestia - but not a single family photo of the three of us.
Celestia had once suggested taking a family photo, but Levi made an excuse about having to take a call. He clearly just didn't want to be in a picture with me.
Now I understand clearly. I don't want to fool myself anymore, don't want to heal myself through disappointment anymore.
It's just that Jessa's appearance this time means I can't deceive myself anymore. I don't want to compromise anymore, don't want to torture each other anymore.
Torture each other?
Maybe I'm just refusing to let myself go!
Levi has nothing to lose. If I leave, it would be good news for him - he wouldn't have to feel awkward anymore.
The night grew deeper.
I threw on a coat and went out. I wanted to get drunk and never sober up. I wanted to completely let go of the dignity of being Mrs. Morgan, to have a drink just for my own fragility.
In the bar, music mixed with the essence of the alcohol. People partied in the dance floor. What were they so happy about? Were they really happy?
Maybe only unhappy people assume others are in bad moods too? They were clearly swaying and releasing their souls.
One drink after another, the alcohol didn't seem so harsh anymore. My lightweight tolerance seemed to have developed the ability to drink a thousand cups without getting drunk.
I remember when Levi gave me the cold shoulder, I secretly drank once. They say alcohol numbs the nerves and helps you sleep soundly, but that time I threw up all over Levi. I still can't forget his disgusted expression.
That time, I decided never to touch alcohol again - losing control after drinking would make him hate me.
But here I was drinking again tonight. This time, I didn't care what he thought of me. I laughed out loud, talking to myself, "Haha, Levi doesn't care about you at all. How would he care whether you live or die? He just... doesn't care about you at all..."
My tears fell pathetically. I, Blair, wasn't immune to heartbreak just because I was Mrs. Morgan. My dignity, my sense of propriety - none of it mattered to him.
"Blair, why do you have to keep up appearances? Just cry. Who are you afraid will see? It's not like you're embarrassing him..."
Tears dropped into my glass. I swallowed a mouthful mixed with tears, struggling. I was completely losing it right now, but I didn't want to care about anything anymore.
I just wanted to drink myself to death!
Those things I didn't understand - I didn't want answers anymore. My feelings for Levi - I didn't want to hold onto them anymore. My obsession with family - I had to let it go, too.
Why was it so hard for me to have a stable life when I tried so hard?
Maybe it was wrong from the start.
I shouldn't have met Levi. I shouldn't have agreed to give it a try with Mr. Aiden Morgan when someone else already lived in Levi's heart. I shouldn't have believed the myth that a man would settle down once there's a child.
Crash!
The glass shattered on the floor. I froze, my arm suspended in mid-air, as if such crude behavior was something I'd never do. That feeling of trying to please others, wanting them to understand me, swept through my entire body.
But the people around just glanced at me once, then fell back into their revelry.
Turns out, not many people care about these things. So the image I carefully maintained might not matter at all. If Levi cared, who would dare look down on me?
My humble self-esteem had perhaps been drawing a clear line between him and me all along.
"Blair, are you trying to kill yourself?"
Nola snatched the glass shards from my hand and threw them far away. I was surprised by her appearance, but my throat hurt.
"These shards could hurt someone."
"You should worry about yourself first. What's going on? I saw the location on your social media post and rushed over."
Nola's concerned gaze instantly softened me. I collapsed on her shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably.
"You don't drink. Have you forgotten how you embarrassed yourself last time? You said you threw up all over Levi. How did you get yourself this drunk?"
I couldn't hear clearly what she was saying anymore, but I knew she mentioned "Levi." My whole heart was torn to pieces!