Chapter 44 UNDER MY SKIN

Chapter 44 UNDER MY SKIN
The silence in the truck was heavy and suffocating, where it should be comfortable, and I knew it was because of me. 
Jax kept his eyes on the road, his knuckles white against the steering wheel, while the city lights blurred into long, jagged streaks of neon against the glass. I sat in the passenger seat, my chest heaving with a rhythm I couldn't quite catch. Every time I closed my eyes, the ghost of a scent hit me: cedar, sandalwood, and a sharp metallic edge.
It was the perfume I had bought him for his twenty-seventh birthday. A scent I had spent weeks picking out because it felt like him: cold, expensive, and unreachable. 
He was still wearing it. The realization felt like a physical weight pressing into my lungs.
I used to crave that smell because it was all I used to hold on to after our nightly sex sessions, and he had returned to his room. 
I felt a sudden, sharp heat in my stomach, a treacherous flicker of arousal. 
I hated myself for it. I hated that my body remembered his touch even as my mind replayed him pulling the trigger.
"You're shaking, Si." Jax’s voice broke the silence, low and rough with a concern he couldn't hide.
I snapped my eyes open, pulling my hands into fists to kill the tremor. "I’m not shaking. I’m pissed."
"Is that what this is?" He glanced at me, his brow furrowed. "You’ve been silent since we left the Den. The adrenaline should have worn off by now."
"I can’t believe he wasted my damn time," I spat, the anger bubbling up as a necessary shield. "Viper drags us up there, talks about this big-time investor, and the bastard doesn't even have the decency to stay five minutes? I don't like men with fragile egos, Jax. I don't have time for a king who thinks he’s too important to look his employees in the eye."
Jax exhaled, a slow sound of disbelief. "Si, it’s Kanan Maddox. Most people would give their left lung just to be in the same hallway as him. You’re awfully bothered about a guy leaving early. We’ve had clients pull worse stunts than a missed meeting."
I kept my eyes fixed outside, jaw tight, arms crossed over my chest as the ache in my shoulder throbbed beneath my jacket.
I should have felt victorious.
Kanan Maddox had watched me win the fight, and he had shown interest. 
That was the entire point.
So why did I feel like I was falling apart from the inside out?
“You alright, Si?” Jax’s voice finally broke the silence as he drove into our garage.
“I’m fine.”
“You still look like you want to stab somebody.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “Maybe I do.”
Mina twisted in her seat to look at us as we walked in. “You came back faster than I thought.” She commented. Then she squinted at my face. “Why do you look so mad, Si?” 
“She’s mad Maddox called for a meeting, then left without seeing her.”
 “Seriously?” Leo said incredulously. 
“Yes,” I snapped immediately. 
Kael raised a brow from the chair he was lounging in. “But it’s Maddox. He can do whatever he wants.” 
I rolled my eyes aggressively. “And? So the fact that the asshole summoned me upstairs like I was some performing dog, only to disappear before I got there, is ok?” I snarled. “That’s ego bullshit.”
“Again, it’s Kanan Maddox,” Mina pointed out carefully. “Ego is kind of expected.”
“I hate men with fragile egos.”
Jax’s mouth twitched slightly, but his eyes stayed sharp on my face. “We’ve had worse clients than this, Si.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Then what is the point?” Mina asked.
I opened my mouth. Then shut it again.
Because for one reckless second, I almost said:
 Because I smelled his perfume and forgot how to breathe.
The words nearly climbed out of me.
I looked away quickly.
None of them knew Elena.
None of them knew Kanan.
To them, he was just the Ice King. A dangerous businessman. A criminal mastermind.
Not the man who used to crawl into my bed at three in the morning smelling like smoke and whiskey and expensive cologne.
Not the man whose hands I used to memorize in the dark.
Not the man who killed me.
And the truth was, I was relieved.
No, I was terrified and relieved all at once. 
Usually, during a fight, I stripped myself bare and totally became a weapon… became sienna. 
But after the fights, I always felt the slow, jarring slide back into Elena.
If I had met him in that moment where I was raw and caught between two souls…. I didn’t want to think of what I might have done.  
I wasn't ready. My god, I was nowhere near ready.
And the thought terrified me.
“What’s on your mind?” Jax asked quietly, searching my face as if he were trying to read my thoughts. 
I stiffened. “I’m over it.”
Mina snorted softly. “You punched through a bathroom mirror last time you said that.”
I glared at both of them.
“I’m irritated,” I corrected coldly. “That’s all.”
“Sure,” Kael muttered under his breath.
I ignored him and headed for the stairs. 
“Si,” Jax called after me. “Where are you going to?”
“I need a shower.”
And maybe a fucking exorcism.
—
I turned the water on so hot it scalded my skin, then grabbed the loofah and a body wash, and started scrubbing at my arms and shoulders until the skin was raw and red. 
I wanted to wash him off. I wanted to wash the Elena out of my pores.
Bang.
The sound of the gunshot echoed in the small space, bouncing off the tiles. I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my forehead against the cold stone.
The phantom pain exploded through my skull so vividly that my knees nearly buckled.
My breathing turned ragged.
“You loved him,” I whispered shakily to my own reflection through the fogged glass. “You stupid fucking idiot… You loved him.”
Maybe not at first, but eventually, I had. 
Yeah.
I had started falling for him.
That was the ugliest truth of all.
Not the betrayal.
Not the death.
Not even the revenge.
It was the fact that somewhere along the way, Elena Cruz had genuinely loved Kanan Maddox.
All the coaching, all the hardening, all the months of becoming Sienna... it felt like a lie. 
I thought I was made of stone now. But close proximity to him had turned me back into glass. I was fragile. I was breaking.
"Get it together," I hissed at my reflection as I stepped out, steam swirling around me. "You are not her. She is dead. He killed her."
Revenge and hatred were very easy to maintain from a distance.
But standing close enough to smell him again?
That was war.
I stayed beneath the water until my skin turned raw and red.
Only when my breathing finally steadied did I step out.
I wrapped a towel around myself and walked into my bedroom slowly.
My phone immediately began vibrating on the nightstand.
Viper.
I stared at it until it stopped ringing.
Then it rang again, and I ignored it again.
The third time, I finally snatched it up aggressively. “What?”
“Are you stupid?” Viper snapped immediately. “Or just childish?”
I leaned against the dresser tiredly. “Excuse me?”
“You don’t ignore my calls after a night like this.”
“I just got home.”
“That’s not the point. Do you have any idea how lucky you are right now? Kanan Maddox himself took an interest in you.”
“That’s none of my fucking business.”
You are lucky I don't kill you myself for being so damn childish," Viper screamed on the other end. "Do you have any idea how business is done? You don't get to throw a tantrum because a man like Maddox has a schedule. If you work for the Harbingers, you are set for life. Your reputation becomes untouchable. You’re acting like a bratty teenager!"
"Respect is reciprocal, Viper," I said, my voice cold and low. "I don't care who he is. My time is just as valuable as his. He wants a fixer? He can treat me like one, not a lapdog he keeps waiting in the foyer."
“You are unbelievably arrogant.”
“And he isn’t?”
She was silent for a while. Then she let out an annoyed sigh.
Once you are done throwing your little fit, listen to me," Viper said, her tone shifting to something more calculated. "He wants to see you tomorrow."
Everything in me froze. The raw skin on my back felt like it was being pricked by a thousand needles. "Tomorrow? I just fought. I’m not getting back in a cage so soon."
"It isn't a fight, Siren," Viper said, and I could practically hear her smirking. “He wants to meet at La Caverna.”
My stomach dropped.
Of course. He wanted to meet at his club.
“He thinks the attacks might be corporate,” Viper continued. “So now he wants to see whether you can function around businessmen and sharks instead of just criminals. If you have the polish to match the punch."
I gripped the phone tighter, a wave of disgust rolling through me.
“Dress well,” she added. “Dress classy but sexy. And who knows? Maybe your little fantasy about seducing him might finally happen.”
Disgust curled sharply in my stomach. “I’m not a fucking hooker, Viper.” I snarled. 
He looked... interested, Siren. I’ve never seen him look at a fighter that way."
A bitter, oily taste filled my mouth. He was interested. 
Kanan Maddox was seeing a random, tattooed street-brawler and feeling a spark of interest while he still pretended to mourn his wife at a flower-laden altar. 
He was already moving on to the next body. The next distraction.
The thought burned far more than it should have.
"Is that so?" I said, my voice flat and dry. "How flattering."
"Don't give me that attitude. This is your shot,” she said, taking my behavior as playing hard to get. “Wear something that shows off those legs. I’ll send a stylist if you—"
“I’ll dress myself, Viper," I interrupted. "I know exactly how to handle a room full of sharks. Tell him I’ll be there.” I paused. “And viper? Fon’t ever tell me how to dress again,” I added coldly. “I’ll wear whatever the hell I want.”
I hung up before she could respond.
I stood up and walked to the full-length mirror, letting the towel drop.
I looked at the new body I lived in. The jagged tattoos of the Siren curled around my arms, ribs, and down my thighs. 
My hair was dark, my gaze was sharp, and my skin was mapped with the scars of a life Elena Cruz never could have imagined.
My entire existence had changed.
There was no way Kanan Maddox would ever recognize me.
Elena Cruz was dead.
So why was I so terrified?
I stared at my reflection for a long moment before finally exhaling shakily. “Tomorrow night, then,” I whispered to myself, my pulse hammering beneath my skin. “Let’s go dine with the devil.”