My name is Jack. I am twenty years old, already in college, and currently enrolled in a Mechanical Engineering course. I was still a child when my father abandoned us – my stepmother and me. Only Mom was there for me through the ups and downs of life. I'm not sure when it started, but I gradually became more aware of my emotions. Emotions for her, that was.
Maybe it was because my mom and I were the only people who were always together. Or perhaps I simply have a problem.
But I love mom.
More than just a child's affection for his parents.
Although we are not blood relatives, I treated her as if she were my biological mother, and she treated me as if I were her own son. This has been the case since my father left us to be with his third wife. That's correct. My stepmother, Marianne, was Dad's second wife. I called her mom because she has looked after me since I was a child.
But to tell the truth, my thoughts and feelings toward her couldn't be compared... They weren't, to say the least, close to what a son should - or ought - to feel.
I can't describe how I feel, but I know that whenever I'm with her, I'm content and happy. And that pleasure is tinged with anticipation, especially when we get close enough for me to notice her face and the curve of her body. Don't get me wrong. I don't just like her because of that. Even so, her outstanding features are not to be overlooked either.
Mom has a lot of appeal. She is neither excessively tall nor excessively short. She has long, silky hair that enhances her face's beauty, there was as well that scent only she could produce that causes anyone to turn their heads to catch a glimpse of her. Overall, Mother exudes a different kind of beauty and charm, something that I believe she has carried with her since she was a young age and that has been confirmed by other people as well.
My mother's best friend, Aunt Jonah, used to tell me stories. It was about how Mom used to be extremely popular at school; she was one of the hottest and most beautiful girls at their time. With a hardworking attitude and a kind heart, it was only natural for her to have admirers flocking around her. My aunt told me that a lot of men were interested in my mother, and that they would follow her around campus, wooing her, and trying to win her heart. I wasn't surprised at all when I heard this story.
The fact that Dad had abandoned her for someone else surprised and perplexed me. I mean, why, exactly? Who, in their right mind, would leave someone as beautiful as mom? I just didn't get it… It left me the idea that dad was blind, or more so, stupid.
But none of that mattered any longer at this point in time. More and more, I began to wonder more about my mother and my own thoughts and emotions for her.
What were these feelings going to become for her? Would these emotions get through to her? How would she react if that happened...? These were only a few of the many questions that usually force me to stay awake pondering over and over again. And the answers, well… they always seemed to be out and far from my reach.
Today was the first day of my final semester before graduating and leaving university. As usual, Mom got up bright and early to start preparing breakfast.
Although I am currently attending college, I have no interest in living in a dorm. Because I want to be with Mom, obviously.
"Breakfast is ready, Aki. Come out here and eat, " I heard my mom call as she knocked on my door.
The truth is that I did not sleep at all. Almost the entire night, I was too busy wondering and thinking about what would happen if I told Mom about how I really feel about her.
I don't want to cause her any discomfort. I don't want her to shed a tear because of me, either. I grew up with a strong sense of responsibility, and sometimes I think I may not have been able to tell Mom how I really feel for all these years because of that. That, or I was just being a coward.
"Coming, mom," I said to Mom as I got out of bed.
I've had a lot of different girlfriends since I was in high school, but I just can't seem to shake the other feelings I have for her.
The idea of cuddling up to her, kissing her, and having a passionate encounter was all I could think about. The pace can be slow at times and fast at others. But lately, I find myself daydreaming about how much she enjoys herself, all thanks to my help and touch. Perhaps it's because I've been unable to express or admit how much I adore and fantasize about her for so long that these feelings have been building up inside me.
Even now, as she sits in front of me, sipping coffee and munching on bread, I can't stop myself from staring at her beauty. She doesn’t even know how hard our positions were for me. Just then, my sight went down and caught her front particularly. They're plump and round, and I can see them quite well in her thin nightgown, which adds to her allure.
I lowered my head, trying to resist as best as I could - something I have practiced for the past years just to cover up my 'reactions'. My lower garment was starting to feel tight and I was sure that part, as it had always been, would spring to life soon.
"Aki? Why aren't you eating? Don't you like the food?" Mom asked.
I shook my head. "No, but mom... There's something I want to tell you." Should I tell her now? How would she react if I did?
"What is it?" Mom asked.
Her eyes, her full attention was on me. Just me.
And as always, I found myself having a shaky breath as I said, "What... What do you think of Crista?"
Shit.
I have mastered the skill of changing the subject, and you may already be aware of the reason behind that mastery. Anyway, Crista was one of my friends who confessed to me last month. It was a confession I don't know how to respond to because she isn't what I want, what my heart and body crave.
"Crista Perez? That angel-like young lady?" Mom asked, then with a smile, she began to tease. "Is she the girl my dearest son is trying to win currently?"
"No," I almost said, "it's you, ma." I said to myself silently, "You're the one I want. It’s just you and no one else…"
There are times when I just have this overwhelming desire to speak the truth, but I know I can't. At least, not yet. To cover up these truths in me, I just casually told her Crista’s a good friend despite her confession. I told mom I was too busy for the final semester so I plan to tell Crista to put her attention on someone else.
Mom laughed and rose to her feet to approach me. I wasn't expecting her to hug me out of nowhere. I felt her plump front on my chest, which instantly hardened my lower half.
"Aki, you're an adult now. Mom is here to support you in whatever decisions you make," Mom said softly. “Whoever you decide to date, mom will support you. If you also choose not to date, mom will also support you. No matter what happens, I will always be here for you, Aki.”
Hearing her words, my heart began to ache. I can't believe I'm feeling this way. Mom loves me and is always concerned about my well-being. I, on the other hand… I sighed and couldn’t help but clench my hands into fists... What should I do if my emotions are yelling something completely different towards her?
I hugged mom back as a son, fighting the urge to do what’s inside my heart and controlling my reactions all over again. I love her. I long for her. It was a truth I couldn’t deny anymore.
I knew this can’t continue forever…
As soon as my last class was over, I decided to approach Crista and explain that I am not ready for a romantic relationship with her. Not just with her actually, it would also be the case with the rest of the girls who would try it out with me.
"Is it because of your mom?" Crista asked, her eyes welling up with tears.
I frowned. She doesn't need to involve Mom in this.
"Y-You're weird, Jack… You're such a mama's boy! No wonder you haven't had a girlfriend in a long time!" Crista exclaimed, her tears slowly turning into river. "Don't you... Don't you even like to be with anyone else? Like me?"
I looked down and stared at the ground. Maybe she's right; I haven't had a relationship that lasts longer than half a year. They always either end too quickly or somehow begin to lose its direction it barely felt like a relationship at all. Crista was right. Even though I was praised for my looks and intelligence, I have always put mom first in everything. It was one of the reasons why I have broken up with several girls in the past, too...
I sighed inwardly. I truly am helpless...
"I'm sorry," I managed to say to Crista and to myself.
Crista burst into a bucket of tears further and started shouting.
I chose to ignore her outbursts and return home.
I have no regrets, to be honest. I love mom. Both as a child and as something more. And none of the girls who were trying to work it out with me could ever help me erase that…
When I returned to my mom and I's apartment, I was surprised to find it so dark and empty.
"Mom?" I called mom but to my surprise and worry, no one answered. “Mom!” I called again but there wasn’t a response.
Starting to get nervous, I decided to head to her room to see what was going on. That’s when I saw Mom sitting on the bed, with only a small blanket covering her beautiful curves, on her side was an empty bottle of wine and a glass that had reached the floor. Seeing her in that state, I nearly lost all of my blood. Had she been drinking…?
"Aki?" She spoke softly to me.
I was taken aback when she suddenly came up to me and kissed me on the lips quickly.
"Aki," she whispered to me once more, her face getting closer as she wrapped her arms around me. With a soft voice, she called my nickname again, “Aki~”
I can't bear it any longer. I promised myself that I would control my emotions and that I would never confess my feelings for her.
But I'm also a man, and like any other man, I'm also susceptible to temptation... Especially to the woman I have been desiring and in love with for a very long time...