Chapter 48- Walk Away

Najmah dipped her paintbrush in the palette and stroked gently on the canvas, humming softly to an unknown tune. She had been in that state ever since her encounter with Aslan. She had refused to think nor talk about it. Instead, she focused all of her attention on her canvases.

"You are sulking," Hanifa spoke from behind her, patting her two months old baby on the back. Her gaze roamed around the room which was filled with lots of painted canvas before settling on Najmah.

"I am spiraling," Najmah responded, her voice void of emotions.

"Is this how you are going to be for the rest of your life?" she furrowed her brows, laying her daughter who was fast asleep on the bed gently.

"Do I control my life?" Najmah challenged, stroking lightly on the canvas. "You see, as Klaus once said, painting is a metaphor for control. Every choice is yours, the canvas, the color, what you paint, it's all under your control."

"You..."

"I know why you are here," she cut her off, setting her brush down on the easel. "You want to talk about Aslan. You want to convince me to listen to what he has to say, you want to convince me to give him a chance. Don't waste your time Adda, I won't give him a chance."

"Najmah don't be so irrational," Hanifa reproached.

"I'm not being irrational, I'm being emotionless."

"Najmah..."

"Adda please, allow me to control this phase of my life. Let me for once in my life make a decision on my own without yours or anyone else's shadow influencing me. I need to do this on my own."

"Naj..."

"Please," she drew in a breath, picking up her paintbrush. "Now if you may, I'm spiraling, so I need to be left alone."

"Fine," Hanifa huffed, picking up her sleeping daughter. "Do whatever you wish Najmah, it is your life. I will say no more about it. Just know that once you are done being the emotionless selfish bitch that you are and start listening to reason, I won't be there to comfort you."

Without another word, she twirled around and marched out of the room, leaving Najmah behind with overwhelming feelings. She took in a deep breath and let it wash over her, allowing her feelings flow through every crevice of her mind before letting them out onto the canvas. She had no time to think, she had to let out all of her emotions onto the canvas; otherwise, she would go crazy.

{••}

"Ummita," Najmah called out stepping into the mini living room for the first time in weeks, needing someone to talk to. She stopped dead in her tracks when she came face to face with the last person she wanted to see.

"What are you doing here? Who let you in?" she seethed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Your Anne did," he responded, standing up.

"Ummita?" she questioned dumbfounded. "Why would she let you in?"

"I..."

"Forget it," she cut him off, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Just leave, you are not welcomed here."

"Najmah, please allow me to explain," he took a step forward, standing a few inches away from her.

"Explain what?" she cackled mockingly. "How you sent me out of your house in the middle of the night, knowing that I had nowhere else to go? Knowing that I knew no one else in Istanbul apart from your family."

"Najmah please..."

"I need nothing from you, Aslan," she spat venomously. "You can shove your explanations down your throat, they're of no use to me. Don't say another word," she said, openly glaringly at him. He kept mum and obeyed her, knowing that she needed to vent out her pent up emotions and so, he let her.

"What I would give to forget every day I've spent with you, every kiss, every touch, every memory , every ounce of pain and misery that you've brought upon me. I wanna forget it all but sadly, I cannot."

"You don't mean that," he shook his head. "You told me that you would cherish every memory..."

"Well then," she shrugged. "I lied. I don't give a damn about all that, not anymore."

"You can't be serious. Najmah I have no idea how many times I have to apologise, I really am sorry."

"I never asked you. I've moved on so should you. You said it yourself, we are not meant for each other."

"Well, I changed my mind. You are the one for me, I want you back."

"You changed your mind?" she cackled, hunching over with laughter.

"You want me back?" she straightened up, her laughter dying. "Guess what Aslan Faik Sadek, you can't have me back. I am not a piece of cloth that you can discard away and then decide to pick up when you so desire. We are over."

"We are still married," he countered. "I never said the talaq."

"Well then you can say it now," she shrugged. "There's really no difference between then and now because as far as I am concerned, our marriage became void the moment I stepped out of that house. Get it through your head, I am not going back. We are done!"

"You are hurt and you're acting out. What happened to the Najmah that I know? This isn't you," he countered, feeling his last bit of hope shredding to pieces.

"Sure it is," she smiled ruefully. "You've just never seen me like this. You don't know what I look like when I'm not in love with you."

"You love me?" he gasped, hope igniting his features.

"Pretending to love you," she caught herself, mentally slapping her face for her slip. "I have no real emotions remember? I am incapable of love. How can socio-psycho Najmah Haroun fall in love with the righteous Aslan Sadek? It's impossible, you should know that better than anyone else."

Getting tired of their banter, he began to unbutton his shirt. He was tired of going back and forth with her so maybe showing her a glimpse of who he truly was would soften her a bit and mayhap, she would listen to what he had to say.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" her eyes widened when her gaze fell on his shirt.

"Najmah I love you," he professed, unbuttoning another button. "I cannot live without you, not anymore. I was foolish to let you go because I was afraid of what you might do when you find out about my truth. But now, I am ready to let you in. I am ready to share the darkest part of my story with you because you complete me and I need you by my side in other to find the peace and love that I have longed for ever since I was a child."

"I do not care," she enunciated every word, making sure that he heard her clearly. "I do not care whether or not you love me. I sure as hell do not care what your truth is or how incomplete your life is without me. I do not care about you Aslan so you can do whatever the hell you want to do with your life because I really don't care. Understand this, I will never be a part of it again."

"Najmah please don't do this. Don't ruin us," he begged, his hand hovering over the fourth button of his shirt.

"You ruined us," she responded, her voice void of emotions. "If there was any us to begin with. It was fun while it lasted, but that's it, I don't feel anything for you. I will not be your wife anymore, our relation with each other ended three months ago when you decided you no longer wanted me. It is Fahad I want to share my life with, after all, he was my intended partner."

"You don't mean that," he sucked in a breath, dropping his hand to his side.

"Which part of what I said was unclear to you? Divorced or not, there is no relation whatsoever between us. Fahad was the man I wanted to marry then and I intend to marry him now."

"Are you crazy?"

"Don't call me that," she pointed a finger at him, daring him with her eyes to do such again. "You are the crazy one between us. You can not understand that I no longer wanna be with you. Did you think that when I came back home, I would be waiting for you to come and take me back? Did you think that you could just cast me out of your life for months then come waltzing back into mine thinking that I would be waiting for you? Did you think that I was pathetic enough to still want to go back to you after all that you've done to me? I trusted you with everything that I had. I let my guard down with you and when you thought I was vulnerable enough, you decided to betray me. You played me for a fool and I shall not be fooled again. So you can take your half-assed apologies, your love profusion and shove it down your throat because I really do not care. I am going to get married to Fahad whether you agree to the divorce or not. You can say the words right now and everything will be over or we can go to the Shari'ah court and they will force the words out of you."

She heaved a sigh of relief when she was done ranting, feeling as if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.  She felt as light as a feather, she felt good; she was floating.

They stood in silence, each wrapped up in his own world. He couldn't believe that after everything he had gone through, he had lost her to her ex. He had failed yet another person that he loved. He thought she would listen to him, but how wrong he was. She had put up a shield and had refused to allow him entry. Maybe his father was right, he would never find peace.

Realising that he was not going to cave in, Najmah decided to end the torture for the both of them.

"I'll see you in court," she threw over her shoulder as she walked out of the living room. He pivoted around and grabbed her hand with stealth, halting her movement. Before she could utter a word, his lips came down on hers with such urgency that knocked the breath out of her lungs.

She gasped before pushing him away with such force that he almost lost his balance, wiping her mouth with the back of her hands.

"How could you?" she cried out, running out of the living room.

The look on her face, he knew that he had lost her forever. But perhaps, there was hope for them. He will not give up just yet, he would do anything to get her back. 

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