The first month without my mother and sister, we walked around the house on eggshells with each other and when we talked to one another it was awkward. When I made dinner he would sit in the living room and only come in the kitchen if I called him. We did pretty much everything in silence and I hated it but I didn’t know how to talk to him. In bed at night we slept together but never touched. I usually read a book while he watched the news until we were tired and then we’d just go to sleep. There was no “good night doll” from him and no “good night baby I love you” from me. We would just go to sleep and when we woke up the next morning the routine was the same. Lather, rinse, repeat. When he finally went back to work, he’d have someone come and stay with me and I still didn’t talk as much but I did at least talk to them. I had no reason not to because I wasn’t afraid that they would suddenly explode and blame me for what happened. That was my biggest fear. You see I figured that if I stayed quiet and never upset him then he’d never have a reason to get mad at me. When people get mad they tend to let their true feelings out and it would have killed me if he ever verbally came out and said that he blamed me for everything.
That all happened in the second month, now this month is a whole lot better but still not one hundred percent. I’ve been going to my appointments to make sure I’m healed and to my therapy for my depression. My therapist says that I’m doing great so far. I haven’t been to the office yet but I have been working from home like I was before all of this happened. Next week I will return to the office because I can’t stand staying home another minute. I love our friends but I’m tired of them babysitting me because he’s worried I’ll break down and lose it with nobody around. Besides, when they’re here, they tiptoe around conversations or talk about boring things like the weather and what happened at the grocery store. I know I lost it for a while but I’m back now, so I wish they would quit handling me with kid gloves.
I finish my work around four and decide to go to the grocery store to get the ingredients for Jameson’s favorite cookies as well as his favorite dinner. After putting away my laptop, I go to our bedroom and put on a pair of jeans that hug me a little but not much. I haven’t lost all of my baby weight but I actually kind of like my size now. I have curves that I didn’t have before and I can tell he likes my size too. I’ve caught him staring at me many times with that look that I know so well. I’m not ready yet though and he hasn’t even asked about sex since it happened. He’s been very patient. I don’t even think sex has crossed his mind. He does give me little looks every now and then but nothing more.
I throw on a yellow halter top dress and sneakers, then comb my hair into a high ponytail and put on a little clear lip gloss. I check myself out in the mirror and my self-esteem and confidence automatically rise a little. I look good therefore I feel good. After grabbing my purse and keys I leave the house and lock up while pushing the button to unlock my car and get inside. I push the button to start the ignition and turn on my music as I buckle up and back out of the driveway heading to the store. Thankfully I find a parking space close to the door and I grab my purse and get out locking my door.
Once inside the store, I get a shopping cart and pull out my list. I decided to go ahead and replace some of the food we’ve already eaten so I don’t have a lot to get when we go shopping. I love him but shopping with him for food is like having a kid with you. He picks up everything that isn’t on the list and pouts when I make him put it back, but I always give in and let him have whatever it is at the time. I’m such a softy when he pouts. He just looks so cute that I can’t help but give him whatever he wants and the jerk knows it too.
When I’ve gotten all the ingredients for the cookies, I head to the meat department and get what I need from there then I head to the cereal aisle for some pancake/waffle mix, cereal, and poptarts. I love my cherry poptarts. When I leave the aisle heading towards the frozen food section to pick up a few pizzas and my favorite ice cream, I once again bump into the wicked bitch of the west. As we stare at each other all I can think is “I have to find a different grocery store” before I move to go around her. She pulls my arm to stop me and I look at her hand on my arm then back up at her. Oh this bitch must really be on something. I take a deep breath and pull my arm out of her grasp.
“Don’t touch me.” I practically growl at her and once again turn to leave.
“So I heard you had a miscarriage. That’s a shame.” I stop and turn to look at her. How did she know that?
“I am not in the mood for you so just walk away.” I look at her and when she doesn’t move, I go ahead and walk around her but the next thing she says makes me stop in my tracks.
“That’s a damn shame that you couldn’t give that sexy ass man a child. I heard he was heart broken. Maybe if he had been with me instead of a loser like you he would have a baby but instead he chose to waste his time on you.” That was the last straw. I already blamed myself. I know that it is my fault that he doesn’t have our child but for her to say these things to me is too much. She has gone too far and Alicia isn’t here this time to help her. I spin around and punch her square in the nose. Blood is gushing as her hands go up to her face and she screams and cries in pain.
“YOU BROKE MY NOSE! I’m calling the police. Someone help me! This crazy woman just assaulted me.”
My breathing is heavy and all I see is red. How dare she say those things to me. I’ve never done anything to this woman to make her so hostile to me. I have Jameson because he loves me and I love him, so what is her problem with me? I don’t fit in a size four so automatically there’s something wrong with me? I’m sorry but the anorexic look has never been for me and never will. I’m from Louisiana and we’re some red beans and rice with sausage and cornbread fed women. I love my thickness and I won’t let anyone make me feel bad about my looks. I love me and my man loves me so everyone else can go to hell.
“You are a hateful and jealous woman that doesn’t love herself so you take out your insecurities on others. I may not be a size six but I’m beautiful and I’m tired of your insults just because a man is with me that you don’t deem me worthy of having. He loves me and yes, I did lose our baby and I don’t know how you found out, but for you to bring it up and say all those vicious things to me is crossing a line. If we ever see each other again in the street you better not say a word to me or touch me because if you do that’ll be the last thing you ever do. Call the police all you want sweetheart because I’m not going anywhere.”
She takes out her phone and calls the police and I pull out my phone and call Daniel.
“Hey lady. How are you doing?”
“Uh I have a situation and I can’t call Jameson yet.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Well I may be going to jail and I’m going to need someone to pick me up once I make bail.” There’s silence as I hear him moving around. I assume that he’s getting dressed and then I hear keys.
“Where are you?”
“Well I’m at the grocery store. You know, the one about a mile from the house. I was making groceries and that waitress we told you about was here again. She said some things to me and I lost it and punched her in the nose. I think it’s broken. She’s calling the police now. I may be looking at assault charges.”
“Damn. When you go out you go all the way out don’t you? I will meet you at the jail. I’m going to bring Micah since he has some legal expertise and maybe he can get you out of this somehow.”
“I didn’t come here looking for a fight. I just wanted to make my groceries to make Jameson his favorite meal and dessert tonight, and this evil person…” I couldn’t finish my sentence. Tears had started to fall from my eyes and I started crying hysterically. I had reached my breaking point and no matter what I couldn’t make the tears stop.
“Please don’t cry ma’am. I’m on my way. Have the cops made it there yet?”
“N-n-n-noooo.” I wail as I hear noises that sound like someone driving.