Chapter Sixty-One-2

standing, trying to work with the machines. "You are having a panic attack. Please follow my voice. Listen to what I am saying." She holds my hand. "Deep breaths. Deep breaths. You've been through a lot. You're okay. You're safe. We are going to take it day by day." I try to breathe, I really do. Everything just feels suffocating. I've never felt this in such an intensity. Every thought propels me into the next scary one. "Count to ten. Slowly." I do. 10, 9, 8... "Breathe. Breathe." 7, 6, 5...4...3...2...1. The numbers are tangible to me, like I can hook myself to the cliff I'm slipping so quickly off of. It's okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'll figure out everything slowly. A nurse feeds me water again. After gulps of water and a few minutes, Holman tells me everything that happened slowly. And then it all unravels... Lee had been keeping Victor waiting so that when they had their phone call, it would be long enough to be tracked. I remember being tasered and kicked and hit. With Madam Jin, Lee, and Mark's power and force, we were able to have a covert team come after me. Nothing that would set Victor off, nothing that would make headlines—no cops, no press. I've been unconscious for three days. I was held for two days. The room starts to faze out and though I can see Doctor Holman talking, words probably forming about procedures and protocols that I have to go through. It all fades. My brain feels unable to control itself with the thoughts that come my way. How has my life transformed completely in the last year? My heart squeezes thinking about my mother. I think about the simple mornings I used to have. Slipping out of the door probably late to spend a day of hell at high school, probably reminding my mother to not forget to eat while she sat in her art office, happy as can be. I think about Karen and Peter, people that used to mean so much back in the day. At first, as a friend and a crush, but even as enemies. I want to laugh at how absolutely small that seems now. I think about the first time I met Lee. Slowly over time, his rigid facade as a cold, rude businessman unraveled to show a boy who was forced to grow up too fast and grew up lonely. His sweet voice, the way he held me when we danced, and my first love. My real first love. I think about Mark and whatever that was. He ended up being a good friend. I think about everything going wrong—losing my mother, losing Lee, and the worst was... I lost myself. Who have I been for the past year and a half? Do I even know? Do I like how I've let myself become? I can almost smell the alcohol on my breath from winter break. I ran away from myself, from reality. Daniel...he was just a lifeline. I thought if I kept throwing myself into things or away from things, I would be okay. But I wasn't okay. I'm still not okay. I start thinking about my father, about everything again...the same cycle in my head. Instead, I decide to return to the present. I need to focus on what is happening now before I try to solve everything else. "Is there anything I can do for you right now?" Doctor Holman asks. I shake my head. She nods, adjusts my IV, and checks on everything as she scribbles it down in her notepad. After, she leaves and as soon as the door closes shut, I feel my tears slide down my cheek. I pull the blanket above me until it reaches my chin and I fall asleep. When I wake up, I know I've dreamt of something terrible. There's a heavy feeling in my chest and fragments of twisted feelings. Regardless, my eyes focus on the fluorescent lights on the ceiling. There is an orange light pouring into the room, rays of the setting sun. When I come to, I feel much clearer than earlier with Doctor Holman. "Ivory, jesus fucking christ! I never thought you'd wake up!" The voice immediately warms my heart. I start sitting up and Brent's annoying face is staring at me. I missed him so much. "Brent!" I say excitedly, but it comes out more like a croak. He speeds over and engulfs me in a hug. Pain immediately shoots up from everywhere. I feel like a walking bruise. "OW!" He doesn't even register my pain and just hugs me tighter until he pulls away. I am ready to yell at him but his face is blotchy and his eyes red, tears pooling out. Brent just stares at me and his tears intensify until he is sobbing. "Ivory, w-what the f-fuck?" He wipes his eyes as fast as he can with his sleeves. This must be absolutely shocking for Brent. I'm crying before I can even say anything, the sight of him in such heartbreak and pain consuming my heart already. I sit up and even though it hurts, I know we both just need a hug. Opening my arms, Brent continues to sob as he hugs me. Soon, my already swollen eyes begin to irritate with tears. We hold each other tight, no words able to even process what's happened. Where to go from here. But we have each other and it's the one thing grounding me right now. "I'm glad I have you," Brent says, voice breaking in my shoulder. "Me too." I think we might have hugged and cried for thirty minutes straight. My mouth feels dry when we pull away. Brent stands, fetching us glasses of water near my bedside on a table. While he pours the first cup, he stops mid-pour and sighs. "We're going to be okay, Ivory." For some reason, this statement, seeing Brent the way he is, I believe it. Brent, who has always been irresponsible and unaware of himself in the world around him. Brent, whose life primarily consisted of Mom, me, and his frat brothers. Hearing him be vulnerable and hopeful at the same time, it felt like a hand pulling me out of drowning water. For so long, I never reached out for help. From my own brothers, from people that cared about me. I try not to cry again. "I love you, Brent. Thank you for being here." He smiles, continuing to pour the cups. He hands me one and sits at the edge of my bed. "I will take a semester off. I have some money saved from working at school. I know we had insurance and I am going to reach out to whoever I can to figure this all out, okay?" "Okay."