Chapter 43 The Careful Distance

Chapter 43 The Careful Distance
Juni

The air in Declan’s truck hasn’t changed, but the way he breathes it has. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since the kiss, since Monday morning in Vance’s office, and since everything we were pretending wasn’t happening finally happened. I expected heat, or maybe awkwardness, but what I got was a quiet so heavy it made my ears ring.

I sat there for twenty minutes, pretending to care about the student council budget I was supposed to be finalizing. I could feel him beside me, his shoulder a few inches from mine, but he was miles away.

"You’re somewhere else," I said. I didn't look up from my notebook.

"I’m here," Declan said. His voice was flat. Not angry, just tired.

"Part of you is," I said. "The rest of you is out there somewhere, probably fighting a fire you can't put out yet."

He put his pen down. He didn't even try to argue. That’s how I knew it was bad.

"Monday check-in," he said.

I felt a small cold knot tie itself in my stomach. "The counts?"

"Flagged higher than last time," he said. He wasn't looking at me. He was looking at the dashboard, at a small scratch in the plastic I’d never noticed before.

"How much higher?" I asked.

"Enough," he said. "Enough that they’re adjusting the treatment schedule. They want her in more often. They want more tests."

"What does that cost?" I asked. I knew the answer was 'too much,' but I needed him to say it.

"More than last month," Declan said. "A lot more."

"And the scholarship is still three weeks away," I said, thinking of the timeline we’d been obsessing over.

"Three weeks is a long time when the number is climbing, Juni," he said. He finally looked at me, and his eyes looked bruised, even though there wasn't a mark on him. "It’s a long time to hold your breath."

"What about Marcus?" I asked. I knew the district was involved now, that things were moving on that front. "What does his operation going to the district mean for the timeline? Does it help?"

"It protects the process," he said, leaning his head back against the seat. "It keeps things clean so the scholarship doesn't get pulled because of his mess. But it doesn't make the money available any faster. It just keeps the door open. It doesn't put anything in the bank."

I closed my notebook. The budget didn't matter. Student council didn't matter. None of the straight-A, perfect-secretary, good-girl bullshit I’d spent my life perfecting mattered in the face of the way his hands were shaking, just a little, on his knees.

"My mom used to say something to me when I was little," I said. I haven't talked about my mom to anyone in a long time. Definitely not like this. "She used to say that fear doesn’t protect you from the thing you’re afraid of. It just makes it happen earlier."

Declan looked at me, his brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you’re so scared of Lily getting worse or the money running out that you’re already living in the disaster," I said. "You’ve been carrying it for so long you’ve started to think the carrying is who you are. You think if you stop grinding your teeth for five seconds, the whole world will stop spinning."

"Juni..."

"I’m not saying you need to put it down," I interrupted. I reached out, my hand hovering over his for a second before I actually touched him. I settled my fingers over his knuckles. They were cold. "I’m saying I’m here while you carry it. That’s different. You don't have to be 'careful' with me."

He didn't pull away. He didn't wrap his hand around mine, either. He just let me be there. "I don't know how to do that," he whispered.

"Do you know I’m here?" I asked.

"I'm getting there," he said.

We sat in silence for a while. The school parking lot was emptying out. A few cars drove by, headlights sweeping across the interior of the truck like searchlights.

"What do you need right now?" I asked.

"I don't need anything," he said. The reflex was instant. The wall was back up.

"Declan."

"I’m fine, Juni. Really."

"I know you’re fine," I said, and I felt that caustic spark in my chest, the one that usually makes me say something mean, but I redirected it. "I’m not asking if you’re capable. I know you’re the most capable person I’ve ever met. I’m asking what you need. There’s a difference."

He looked at me then, really looked at me. The careful distance he’d been keeping since I climbed into the truck seemed to flicker.

"I don't know how to answer that," he said. His voice broke, just a tiny bit, on the last word.

"That’s okay," I said. "I’ll stay until you figure it out."

"Juni, you have stuff to do. You have that meeting tonight."

"Unless you want me to go," I said, ignoring him. "Do you want me to leave?"

He stayed quiet for a long beat. The heater in the truck hummed, blowing warm air against my ankles.

"No," he said. It was barely a sound. "No, I don't."

"Then I’m staying," I said.

The sun went down. I stayed in the passenger seat, my notebook forgotten on the floor. We didn't talk much after that. We didn't need to. The session was technically over an hour ago, but neither of us moved.

The parking lot light above us suddenly flicked on with a loud, electric buzz. It cast a harsh, yellow light through the windshield, highlighting the tired lines around Declan’s eyes. He looked at the light, then back at me.

"You don't have to stay," he said. It wasn't a dismissal this time. It was an out. He was giving me the chance to go back to my easy, straight-A life where the only thing I had to worry about was student council minutes.

"I know," I said.

"Okay," he said.

He shifted in his seat, leaning his head back again. He looked a little less braced, a little less like he was waiting for a punch to land. I stayed right where I was.

I watched his profile in the yellow light, and for the first time since Monday, he didn't look like he was bracing for impact. He just looked like he was breathing. And honestly? That felt like more of a win than any kiss.