Chapter 34 The Name He Doesn't Know

Chapter 34 The Name He Doesn't Know
Declan

I never wanted two hundred people to know what’s inside my head. It feels like walking around naked, but worse because they’re looking at my thoughts instead of my skin. Six people stopped me in the hallway today just to talk about some words I wrote on a piece of paper.

I hate it. I hate the way they look at me now, like I’m a puzzle they finally solved.

I walked into our session on Thursday and sat down. Juni was already there. She didn’t ask if I wanted coffee. She just pushed the cup toward me. She knew. That’s the thing about her lately... she just knows.

"Congratulations on the essay," she said.

"Don’t," I said.

"I’m serious, Declan."

"It’s embarrassing," I said. I took a sip of the coffee. It was exactly how I liked it.

"Winning is embarrassing?" she asked. She tilted her head a little bit.

"Two hundred people read it, Juni. That’s too many people."

"Two hundred people read something true that you made," she said. She wasn't backing down. "That’s not embarrassing. That’s real."

"It’s not what I..." I stopped. I didn't know how to finish that.

"I know what you built the reputation for," she said. She was looking right at me. Not at my face, but at me. "The bad boy, the cautionary tale, the guy who doesn't care. This is different."

"Different how?" I asked.

"This one is actually you," she said.

I didn't have an answer for that. I looked down at my textbook. The pages looked blurry for a second. There was this feeling between us... this warmth. 

"I fixed one clause," she added, her voice softer.

"I know," I said. "I saw it."

"Was it okay?"

"It was better," I admitted.

She smiled, just a little, and opened her notebook. "Let's get to work."

We did two sections of math. My head was actually in the game for once. But then, she started talking about her day. She mentioned the seating chart in her AP English class.

"There’s a new transfer in my section," she said. She was just doodling in the margin of her notes. "Threw off the whole seating chart."

"Yeah?" I asked. I tried to sound like I didn't care.

"Jordan Yates. From Millbrook."

"What’s their deal?" I asked.

"Normal deal," she said. "Transferred mid-year. He got assigned to my table."

"How is he?"

"Smart," Juni said. "He ask real questions. Not the fake ones people ask just to hear themselves talk."

She wrote something down. I watched the pen move. I felt something tight in my chest.

"Do you like talking to him?" I asked.

The pen stopped. She didn't look up right away.

"That’s a specific question," she said.

"Yes."

"It’s easy," she said. "Talking to him is easy."

"Easy," I repeated.

The word felt like a bruise. It was the same word my sister, Lily, used before. Everyone was "easy" except for me. I’m the difficult one. I’m the one you have to work for.

"Chapter eleven," Juni said, pointing at the book. She was closing the door on the conversation.

"Right," I said. I opened the book. But I wasn't reading.

Practice ended late. My muscles ached, and my brain felt like it was buzzing. I was at my locker, pulling my hoodie on, when Nate walked up. He leaned against the locker next to mine.

"New transfer kid," Nate said.

I groaned. "What about him?"

"In Juni’s AP class," he said. He was watching my face.

"I know," I said.

"You know?"

"She mentioned it," I said. I slammed my locker shut.

"What did she say?" Nate asked.

"That he's easy to talk to."

Nate didn't say anything for a minute. He just looked at me. Nate has been my best friend forever. He knows when I’m spiraling.

"You okay, Dec?" he asked.

"I’m fine."

"You sure?"

"I told her I wanted it to be real, Nate," I said. I felt my voice get a little louder. "I told her that days ago."

"I know you did."

"And then I said one sentence and I’ve been waiting for..." I stopped.

"Waiting for what?"

"I don't know," I said.

"Yes you do," Nate said. He wasn't letting me off the hook.

"I’m waiting for it to feel safe," I said. "Safe enough to build the next sentence. To say the next thing."

Nate shook his head. "Dec. You don’t get safe before the next sentence. The sentence is what makes it safe. You have to say it first."

I looked at him. "That’s stupid."

"Maybe," Nate said. "But you’re the one standing here looking like your dog died because some kid named Jordan is 'easy' to talk to."

When I got home, I went straight to the kitchen table. I had to get my academic portfolio ready for the supplemental review. It was a mess of papers and printouts. 

Lily was sitting there with her sketchbook. She looked up at me, then at my pile of papers.

"You’re doing it wrong," she said.

"I haven't even started yet," I said.

"Exactly."

She reached over and grabbed a stack of my assignments. Before I could say anything, she was laying them out on the table. She was moving fast.

"When did you do this?" I asked, watching her organize them by date.

"When you were at practice," she said. "I saw them sitting here this morning."

"Lily..."

"You were going to spend three hours doing it wrong," she interrupted. "You would have gotten frustrated and probably thrown something. This took me forty minutes."

"It’s my portfolio," I said. I felt bad. She’s suppose to be resting. She’s the one with leukemia, not me. I’m supposed to be the one helping her.

"You’re welcome," she said. She picked up her pencil and went back to her drawing.

I looked at the neat rows of papers. She had even put little sticky notes on the ones she thought were the best. Some of them were papers I didn't even remember writing.

"Lily," I said.

"What."

"Thank you."

"Obviously," she said. But she was smiling at her sketchbook.

Later that night, I went out to my truck. I didn't go anywhere. I just sat in the driveway. The engine was off, and it was cold, but I didn't care.

I had just sent the final draft of the portfolio to my email. It was done. But my head was still full of everything else.

I told Juni I wanted things to be real. That was days ago. Since then, I’ve been quiet. I’ve been playing it safe. And now there’s a kid named Jordan who is "easy."

I asked her if she liked talking to him because I was jealous. I knew it the second the words left my mouth. It’s as clear to me now as my own face in the rearview mirror.

I’m not going to lose her because I said too much. I’m going to lose her because I’m saying nothing.

I thought about what Nate said. You don't get safe before the sentence.

I stared at my phone. My thumb hovered over her name in my contacts. My heart was hitting my ribs like it wanted out.

I’m a cautionary tale. I’m the guy people warn their daughters about. But when I’m with her, I want to be the guy who says the next sentence.

I typed a message. Then I deleted it. Then I typed it again.

If I don't speak up, I’m just a guy who wrote a good essay once. If I speak up, everything changes.

I looked at the house. Lily’s light was on upstairs. She was fighting a war every day just to breathe. And here I was, scared of a few words.