Chapter Sixty-5

"Yeah," I said as I turned to Evan who seemed to be quite engaged still with the people he was talking with "I never knew he was this charismatic in such environments, he'd make a great replacement for Tiffany and Mason one day." "He really will," Jasper agreed as Evan excused himself from the crowd as soon as he caught sight of Jasper and me, making his way towards us afterward "Speaking of the devil." "Here you are," Evan said as he came to my side and looped an arm around my waist, pulling me close as he placed a kiss on my temple "I was wondering where you wandered off to." "Sorry, I just saw Jasper here and I couldn't help but come to him," I explained, diverting my attention to the blonde as he smiled. Evan turned to his friend and offered him a warm smile back "Hey man," they exchanged a quick hug upon acknowledging each other "I'm sorry if I wasn't able to greet you when you arrived." He dismissed Evan's apology with a flick of his hand "It's nothing, you seemed preoccupied at the moment anyway, being a Williams is no joke." "Tell me about it," Evan sighed as he turned around to inspect the guests who were stopping every now and then to give him quick hi's and hellos. I nudged his shoulder with mine "Go. Jasper and I still have a lot to catch up on and you need to entertain your guests, make your mother proud." He was reluctant to comply but when I gave him a reassuring raise of my eyebrow, he heaved out a breath before planting a kiss on my cheek, whispering in my ear "I'll try to get back to you soon, but one thing's for sure is we'll be by each other's sides once it's midnight, okay?" I nodded, a small grin teasing at the corners of my lips "Okay," * * * It's currently 11:15 PM, close to midnight. We had just finished dinner and Tiffany thanked the guests for attending, saying how she can't imagine a better way of celebrating the end of the year than those she was closest to. The adults had drinks and discussed business, with Evan being pulled into the conversation by his mother every now and then when he wasn't he mostly stuck by my side, telling me background information on each of his relatives. It wasn't until at one point Evan had gotten too engrossed entertaining colleagues of his mother that I thought I'd just leave him be, walking out into the balcony to get a bit of fresh air, and just to be away from all the commotion currently taking place inside. "I thought I'd see you here." I turned around to see Jasper catching me in action, and by action, I mean just mindlessly gazing at the stars "Hey," I said as he stood by my side, arms resting on the glass railing of the balcony "I thought I'd just get a bit of fresh air and some alone time. Parties were never really my thing." He lets out an amused chuckle "From one introvert to another, I can understand your dilemma all too well." We relished at the moment laughing and just making quick chitchat; talking about our plans once the new year begins as well as our overall future and what we plan to do for college. "It's basically laid out for Evan and me at this point, our plans for the future I mean, it's just a matter of how we'll be able to handle it." I looked back inside the room and the party taking place "And so far Evan's doing great while I'm out here, letting him do all the work." "You two just have completely different natures, that's all." I sighed "Maybe, but sometimes I wonder if Evan even really needs me at all. Sure he seemed quite unreliable in the beginning, but he's matured over the course of the year. He's already made plans to go to New York for college while me?" I laughed dryly, shaking my head "At the start of this year I had so much going for myself and it was all because I depended on Levi's plans, and now that he's gone, I don't know what to do anymore." "For some reason, I'm out here helping everybody plan their future except my own," I added "With Evan and how he's going to inherit the family business one day, and me helping my mom put Carpenters and Fields back into its feet. It always just feels like I'm clinging on to other people's plans without actually making some for myself." "But once the marriage ends and Evan no longer needs me to help him and he goes to New York and meets girls he might take an actual liking towards, then what?" I implied solemnly. I know it's absurd to think about these sorts of scenarios especially during a time where I know I'm supposed to be happy, but I just feel like going through a never-ending spiral despite being so optimistic about the idea of starting a new year and obtaining a new sense of growth. I couldn't help but think about it now as I witnessed Evan in action actually taking everything that he's learned and putting it into motion while me? I'm always doing my best to be the backbone for other people without supporting myself, my own goals, and my own aspirations. And here I was thinking too highly of myself when as a matter of fact, I still had a lot of catching up to do, despite my willingness to strive forward for something bigger. But then I couldn't help but wonder... what is it that I'm striving for? There was a long stretch of silence before Jasper spoke "And here I thought I overthink and overanalyze for my own good," he remarked, his words playful until he eventually switched gears as his tone became serious. "But I understand where you're coming from, though." he continued "I know you must be feeling like you're being co-dependent of others when you've pride yourself on wanting to be independent and secure in your life, but it somehow doesn't feel that way due to the current circumstances that you're in right now, with your mother and Evan, yes?" I turned to look at him and gulped, nodding "Yeah." He sighed at that, nodding sympathetically "But you have to realize that as much as you're being pulled back does not mean that it's your fault. All of this was dropped down on you and you had no choice but to accommodate what people asked of you, and it sucks, being blinded by the identity you use to serve others, thinking that's who you are. But it isn't." "You have to realize that the mask you put up in order to please those around you and your true self is two completely different people. Don't get too caught up with what was out of your control but instead anticipate the days where you'll finally take hold of the steering wheel." "You're not being clingy and co-dependent of other people and their plans, it's just that you've grown accustomed to putting other people's needs before your own. But you have to separate those two images and to realize that there are days ahead where you'll finally be able to break free and be who you are without anybody else's input, and that's when you'll know." I blinked back the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes as I tried to wipe them away "You think I'll be able to discover who I really am and break free from this one day?" He nodded "I do. You've fought for so many things for other people in order for them to get what they want. Eventually, you'll recognize your own needs and fight for them as well, and once that happens, all of this doubt and anxiety will be buried deep and won't matter."