Chapter 4 CHAPTER 4
It felt like a fairytale, the lights, the books and something akin to an electric energy buzzing in the library space.
“I must be going nuts from grief,” I sighed, snapping out of my head.
That was when noticed the dusts, the disarray in some areas and the work that needed to be done here.
A lot of it.
“Or maybe I'll just sell it,” I thought out loud, my mind already planning out how I was going to market it.
A quaint location like this would appeal to older people, I just need to find the right –
“Cara?” A voice from outside startled me, making me turn around from my inspection. “You're back?”
A woman walked into my view from the left side of the door and her eyes widened in realization when she saw me too.
“Hi?”
“Oh, I thought you were Cara,” she smiled, “we haven't seen her in a few months. Is she alright?”
I felt a pang in my chest, one that refused to fade away.
“She's fine,” I lied, forcing myself to remain stoic, unfeeling, just like I'd been the entire month.
But I guess I didn't have any control of it; I'd refused going back into work because I was waiting for the tears to fall, if it didn't happen in the privacy of my late mother's house, it would definitely embarrass me right before a client.
I didn't want that.
But look, some random stranger asks me about Momma and I can feel my throat constrict, about to let out the sobs that stored itself there for so long.
“Alright then,” the woman spoke up again. “You're here to continue what she started? She was such a wonderful woman, helping our community unite again through her books. Pulled Emira right out of her depression. It's amazing.”
I opened my mouth but words failed to spill out, I probably looked odd to the woman, standing in the middle of the dusty library, gaping at the middle aged woman but barely seeing her.
“I'll leave you to it then,” I heard her say as she didn't get any response from me, and finally, I got some space.
Which was good anyways because if I was forced to combust in this place, books and fire don't go together.
I rushed towards the door and shut myself in, bolting every extra lock it had before finally letting go, crumbling on the ground.
Who knew it would take so little to break the dam holding my emotions?
The sounds coming from my throat was strange, but I was overwhelmed with the guilt, the memories of us, the way she saved me, and how I never got to give her the happiness she deserved.
She tried her best to live a good life, a happy one but seeing this library, I realized she never really went for vacations like I thought. She spent all that time here, that's why she never let me come with, it's why she never told me about it.
I had no idea why, and I feared to think she resented me in a way, the thought alone broke my heart but I'd given her every reason to.
I'd grown up and deserted her, chasing after… everything and nothing.
Just doing everything to stay away from her, that deep fear of waking up one day and she'll be burnt to crisp putting so much distance between us.
Now, someone else beat me to it, sending her into death's embrace and leaving me with regrets.
I don't know how long I stayed down there crying, but when I finally got up, I knew I couldn't start heading back now, it was too late and I was feeling ill.
I guess?
I've never been sick before, emotionally fucked up, yes, but this is the first time I have ever felt like throwing up and even now, as I opened the door again for air, I knew I wouldn't.
So I just stood there, looking out in the night and taking in the air as well as the view of the stars.
It was such a rare image, stars; but there they were, giving me a strange feeling.
I wanted to be up there, as close to the sparkling lights as possible.
That bubble popped too the second I blinked, I was terrified of heights, the feeling made zero sense.
But that was enough to get my mind steady to move.
I cleaned my tears, and went back to the library, finding a store by my left with cleaning items and I set to work.
I was going to sleep here tonight, I didn't want to drown in dust particles. Besides, if I'm still going to sell it…
No, I won't.
She spent so much time here, it'll be a terrible disrespect to her to do that.
I just… I was so damn broke that the idea appealed to me more than it should; but I knew I won't be able to hand over those keys to someone else for any amount of money in the world. This place was the last thing of her besides the house that preserved her memories.
This place was all her, no other scent, no disturbance, no me.
Just Cara Ferguson and her charm, kindness and curly hair.
I finished dusting and cleaning the main shelves in the immediate area, leaving the upper ones for… whenever before going to her reading table.
This one was different from the one at the entrance, scattered with different papers and books.
I was just going to arrange them and then sleep, the morning would come faster and I'll be out of here, back to work. Another five years and I'll be back on track to get enough money to buy a bus and drive it around the world.
It was my only dream, the only thing I worked so hard for – to be able to be on the move, never settling in one place long enough to form connections, to hurt them.
I'd accepted I was an anomaly, I just don't want to pull anyone into my mess of a life again.
The last I tried, we got married and even though I didn't burn him, it ended terribly.
I finished arranging the books in order of their sizes and kept aside some files that seemed important; I planned to take them home with me, I couldn't read a single word in that moment, my mind was a whirlwind of thoughts.
Finally, there was a space for me to lay my head down.
I went to my car, got my bag out and locked it properly, looking around warily. The neighbourhood didn't seem dangerous but you could never tell with these things.
I got in, checked the heater again and made sure everything was okay before I went to the chair and plopped down.
I didn't realize how tired I was, I was out in less than a minute.
It must have been an hour or two when I jerked up again, scrubbing my eyes irritatingly.
“Damn,” I groaned, “I thought I turned off these lights.”
I finally stopped trying to pull out my eyeballs and opened them.
No lights were on actually.
“Um…” I trailed off, dazzled and stuck in motion at the view before me.
A book that I could swear wasn't there before was suddenly… there.
Glowing and buzzing.
What the hell?