Chapter 177 - Divine Warning - Feds
Roland
I drove like a desperate lunatic, like a fucking monster. I nearly crashed into the cabin, slamming on the brakes at the last second. I stumbled out of the car, almost suffocating, wanting to kick and break everything around me. Without thinking, I started smashing the windows of the truck, destroying my knuckles in the process.
I must have looked like a madman. After releasing my rage, I walked away and climbed the steps to the porch. I came across the hammock we had set up, and without thinking, I tore it down, ripping the ring from the wall where it was tied. I reached the end of the hallway, feeling suffocated by desperation, pain, and remorse. I couldn't hold it in any longer and let it all out, screaming as if my life depended on it.
"What do you want from me now, Lord God?!" I yelled. "You get my attention through her! TELL ME!"
I started shouting at the sky, my body trembling at the thought of my wife dead because of my cursed guilt. This was the consequence of acting without thinking, of letting yourself be blinded by negative actions. Mine was jealousy at that moment.
"Tell me what you want, but I'm not going to accept you taking her from me! And I'm not challenging you! I'm just begging you, don't take her, don't leave me without her, Lord God!"
How could I look Veronica in the eye if I was the one responsible for her illness? I heard the sound of a car engine and kept crying.
"Roland..."
It was Rata. Veronica had called him. I'm causing you death, Life, and you keep taking care of me. Seconds later, I heard another engine. You always know what I need.
"Roland, Veronica is very upset. She took off her rings so we wouldn't worry. She's with Ines."
I broke down, falling to my knees. Just like the night I offered her, I let myself be carried away by the tears, not caring if they saw me. It was the first time for them, seeing me, the fucking boss, with so many deaths on my back, now kneeling and crying.
"What do you want now, Lord God?"
"Roland. What's going on?"
When I looked at Rata, Cebolla was coming out of the cabin with two chairs. I stayed on the ground, leaning against the wall. They were my brothers, and I needed to vent.
"I gave Veronica HPV. Now she has cervical cancer and possibly in other places too." I covered my face. "I'm a fucking monster, a rotten scum. No matter how much I want to leave that world, something always reminds me of how rotten my soul is, because of my sins and past. What hurts me is seeing my angel suffer the consequences!"
"You've always been careful. Every three months we got tested for Guillermo. That was one of his requirements if we hired his women. How did you...?" I locked eyes with Rata. "Beatriz..."
The same bitch, though my anger wasn't with her, it was with myself. My baseless jealousy ruined everything.
"How do you think I can look Veronica in the eye? And what hurts more is that I wish she would insult me, curse me, or hit me for the harm caused. No, she just said she loved me... You don't know how shitty that feels. Of everything the doctor said, she only cried because she wouldn't be able to breastfeed my children. She didn't care about the illness or that they would remove her entire reproductive system, none of that mattered to her! The only thing she cried about was not being able to create a connection with my children. My children!"
"Man, we all carry our sins, and at some point, we have to face them." I looked at Cebolla; a few days ago, he had something.
"You've been acting strange for a few days." Simon said. Miguel looked at me, and I saw remorse in him.
"You're not the only one, Roland, who can't look his woman in the eye."
"Did you cheat on Diana?" Simon waited for his response. He shook his head and, without looking away from me, confessed.
"I had an anger crisis, and we had agreed that if it happened, I wouldn't seek anyone else, just her."
"You destroyed her," I said, remembering how she got into the truck.
"What I did to her was called rape! I mistreated her, I tore her apart."
Miguel's hands were trembling, and he fought not to cry. His breathing was ragged, and a couple of tears escaped.
"Welcome to the club of crying men. Don't hold back; it releases some of the pressure, believe me." Rata got up and went into the cabin. A minute later, he came back with a bottle of whiskey and three glasses.
"This is going to be a long night."
He had also turned on the lights; it was already dark. After a long drink, Miguel continued.
"I couldn't go through with that monstrosity. At some point during the struggle, I looked at her, and she was crying. Something exploded inside me, like a voice saying, 'Stop! Think, isn't she more important than the memory of being raped? That feeling can't be stronger than the love you have for her.'" He started trembling, and a painful groan escaped, but he managed to control it.
"My dick came out bloody... imagine how I left her." We locked eyes. "I know how you feel, Roland, that sense of guilt, I haven't been able to look her in the face, I can't sleep, it hurts to see that she can't sit down, she hasn't blamed me for anything, while I feel like shit."
"I've been talking to Father Gabriel these past few days. He told me that I won't have those episodes anymore because of the emotional shock I experienced, and if they come back to my mind, I'll remember what happened and maybe stop the madness. Yesterday we went to the doctor, she can't use the bathroom."
"Miguel, maybe..." Rata was looking at him.
"Yeah, Diana is small, we've had anal sex many times, but it's always been consensual and prepared, you know what I mean. We've developed strength through training, my member isn't small."
"If a big guy like me gets blinded by rage, no one can stop me, my wife is tiny, I wrecked her! She understood, justified, and forgave me, while I'm ready to jump off a bridge from the shame and remorse."
"We're screwed," I said. Simón refilled our glasses.
"Roland, if Verónica hadn't gotten pregnant..." I knew where Rata was going.
"We wouldn't have known about the advanced cancer she has." I looked at the stars. "Did you warn me, Lord?" I whispered. "My intruders saved her mother."
"You call them intruders?" I smiled at Cebolla's question.
"Don't let Verónica hear me."
"Mine are little brats, they're MY BRATS," Simón smiled.
"You're the only one left."
"We're working on it. Maybe she already is, and we just don't know yet."
"I don't know what to tell you, I guess words don't really fit here. But if you look at the bright side."
"What bright side is there in me destroying my wife's pretty ass?"
"And me having her on the brink of death? We deserve hell, not two angels waiting for us at home."
"Totally agree," Miguel said. I took another drink.
"Well, I see it this way: in Verónica's case, there's a good chance they'll have their kids and she'll be cured. In your case," he looked at Cebolla, "I can swear you'll react differently in a new crisis, your love for her will prevail over the memory of your stepfather, you won't hurt her again. You had your own shock therapy."
"And in the meantime?" I asked, and Miguel extended his hand to support the question. "What do I do with the guilt?"
"Overcome it," Rata responded, Cebolla looked thoughtful. "We know how to do it, and even if it seems like a cliché, irrelevant to those who don't believe. But for the three of us, who've experienced more miracles in our lives and are certain of it."
"Give your pain to God. We still go to mass, that hasn't changed, we do it every week. Kneel down, I've seen it work for Inés, we're proof of it." As Simón spoke, I remembered the interview with my guardian angel, what he said was true.
"Give your torments to God. Of the three of us, I've always been the most devout, and now I can testify to it. In your intimacy, trust him." His phone rang. "Hello, Verónica." He looked at me. "I'll pass you to him."
"Beautiful..."
"You sound calmer."
"Thanks for sending my friends."
"Honey, remember the doctor asked me for rest, peace, and no worries." I smiled, she was going to blackmail me. "I'm resting, Inés hasn't let me do anything. You can give me the other two. I need you here with me, I want you to pamper me." I got goosebumps.
"Tell me, how can you love me so much?"
"I don't know, but stay with me and we'll find out. Your kids want you to hug them."
"I'll be home soon, my love."
"Roland, it's not your fault, we still have time for everything. Let's have faith." How could I not adore this woman? "I love you."
"Not as much as I love you. We're talking with Miguel, then I'll be home."
"It's true, I asked him to be honest with you guys, it does him good."
"See you in a bit."
I handed the phone back, I had thrown mine in the car when Rata called me after dropping Verónica at the ranch. I still had guilt, but since Rata mentioned that thanks to my kids we found out about Verónica, I felt at peace. This feeling wasn't foolish; if the Lord warned me, it was because he'd already solved it, but I still had to do my part. Simón talked about kneeling.
"I want Father Gabriel to marry me in the church," Miguel commented, taking out a bracelet. "I'll ask Diana to marry me again. I've already talked to the father, and he said he'll have vacation in five months, the date isn't set yet, time to organize the wedding she wants."
"Then it'll be two weddings, I'll take advantage of the father's stay and get married in the church too," Simón said.
"He'll be shocked when he sees me."
"That's true, he doesn't know you're still alive," Miguel said.