Chapter 105 - I Feel You - Fedds
Veronica
Another day...
I kissed Roland's wedding ring. I had to get out of bed, put on the mask of being okay again. It was true, I had no justification for the brutality committed. I, Veronica Vasquez, lover of life, if I wanted to have a burden in my life that would damage my story, I had already achieved it. On my wrists, I bore the scars of the greatest stupidity ever committed, and without a doubt, that was not the solution, it never was.
I was aware of the harm caused and I had no justification. There were people who loved me, my father, brother, friends, and now the people around me. Because yes, now they were my new family. I didn't want to go with my dad and brother. If I did, I would be further away from the memories of Roland. At least seeing Simon, Ines, Miguel, or the rest of the guys was like staying with his family; his mother and siblings.
In some way, it was what he would have wanted, allowing them to take care of me. I curled up in a fetal position, clutching his pillow to let out a silent scream. How it hurts not to have you, my love. How I would have liked to be pregnant with you, at least you would have left me with a piece of you in my womb.
Now that we had Isaac among us, the illusory idea of longing to be the mother of your children came to mind, even if you didn't want them. I cried again, allowing myself to do so in the solitude of the bed where I slept and where we shared beautiful moments. "ROLAND!" I screamed in my head. Love... Why did you leave me? Please, for whatever you desire most, come for me. I clutched the necklace holding my husband's ring and kissed it again, just like I did with mine.
"I love you," I whispered.
I got out of bed an hour after crying. Today was the mass that Father Gabriel held for my husband's soul. I didn't feel like going, but I couldn't make any more excuses. I had to face my struggle with the miser up above, and because deep down, I missed the church. I still didn't understand and didn't want to understand. I was tired of the foolish phrases I'd heard since the wedding day. "Everything happens for a reason," "Only God knows the plans of life," "You don't understand now and see everything as dark, but God knows why he puts us through these trials," "You must resign yourself, time heals all wounds." Foolish words that were useless to me at this moment!
I had to remember so that in the future, if I had to offer condolences or advise someone going through grief, the recommendation was not to spew so much nonsense. The only sensible thing was to stay silent by their side. Words were useless, they only served to try to make oneself feel better.
I entered the bathroom and took off Roland's t-shirt that I wore every night. I only had four left. Ines had put away the rest of his clothes, but I kept these to sleep in. Every time they were washed, I would look for his cologne to apply a bit so they would smell like my husband. It was stupid, but it made me feel close to him. Since I had been in his house, his death had been more bearable. Because everything reminded me of him, and I only told myself he was on one of his trips. I didn't say it out loud so they wouldn't think I was crazy and drug me again. I didn't want any more medication; it made me feel like an idiot. The water began to take effect, relaxing me, and as every day, I remembered our wedding day, images of him making love to me.
"I will always love you, even if you are in another dimension and you have taken my soul with you. I wish you could bring it back to me. I love you, Roland."
After more tears, I tried to put on my best face. They weren't to blame, and I knew we all dealt with his absence in our own ways. I dressed in black; I couldn't wear anything else. Now I was the one who dressed in two tones, black or white, like Roland. I smiled at myself in the mirror. Black wasn't my favorite color; I loved colors, but I couldn't bring myself to wear them. Inés said that in time, I would be myself again. My phone rang. It was Dad.
"Hi, Dad," I said, trying my best voice, though I doubted I could fool him. He called me every morning for a reason.
"Vero, good morning. Try not to cry so much."
"Dad, you're a widower. I've seen you cry over Mom's memory, and you still do. Don't ask me not to."
"You're right, sweetie. Forgive my foolishness, it's all so recent. How did you wake up?"
If my father used to call three or four times a week, now he did so that many times a day. I had no right to tell him not to. I had been the most inconsiderate daughter in the world, letting my cowardice to face the pain get the better of me. His words after I had cut my wrists still echoed in my mind.
"Vero, I know you can hear me. Please, if you have any regard for this old grump and your mother's memory, don't leave me alone. I walk this life for both of you. Your mother took half of me with her; don't take the other half. Your husband wasn't my favorite person, but one thing was clear about his character: he admired your strength to not fall into weakness. Show off that admiration Roland had for you. His message was clear when he dedicated that song to you. He wouldn't want to see you become a coward."
"I'm fine, Dad. Today is the mass, and I'm going to go."
"Thank God! You're starting to come around. I'm happy for you, daughter. When do you plan to visit?"
"Mr. Fausto, we've talked about this. For now, I'm not going to. I want to take care of Roland's businesses, the legal ones, and now with Diana and the baby."
"Yes, that photo you sent us is beautiful. That little angel is doing you a lot of good."
"I won't deny that. Diana has been delicate. I've been taking care of the baby, and he's given me many reasons to keep going. I enjoy my time with him."
"I love you, daughter. Remember this grumpy old man."
"Dad, I'm not going to attempt my life again. I love you too. Kisses to my big-headed brother."
"Daughter, the wedding is in four months, okay? That scatterbrain won't get married if you're not there, and we have to consider poor Luz Marina." It was true. Because of me, they couldn't keep delaying the wedding.
"That sounds good. Of course, I'll be there with you."
"I'll visit next week. I love you, my Vero."
"I love you too, Dad."
I suppose those calls will continue until he truly believes I'll never attempt to take my life again. I finished getting ready: black jeans with a black silk shirt, matching flats, a ballerina bun, small earrings, and no makeup. I grabbed my bag, sunglasses, and jacket. When I got to the dining room, Inés was serving breakfast.
"Good morning, daughter."
I kissed her on the forehead. Just then, Miguel arrived with Isaac in his arms, and Diana slowly made her way to the dining table.
"Diana, you should stay in bed or at least in your room. It's not even two weeks since you gave birth, woman."
"Let's see if she listens to you, old lady. She's the most stubborn woman in the world!"
I exchanged a look with Inés. He was acting strange with that young woman. He adored that baby and seemed like her husband in the way he treated her.