Chapter 50

Asire.

I stared at Loki and felt like I was reeling. Of all the ways I thought this day would end, this certainly hadn’t been on the list. He sat on the edge of my destroyed bed, watching me expectantly. And I wanted to…

Say yes. I wanted to tell him that yes, absolutely I would try to get my Orphaning reversed, only I couldn’t make the word leave my mouth for two reasons. One was downstairs, calling the other Orphans and telling them what happened. Reggie. My best friend. I’d known her for five years and we’d never had a conversation that didn’t involve bickering. She tried to sleep with me like fifteen minutes after we met and I flipped her over into some mud, ruining her suit. But we loved each other, the way best friends do.

After all the shit that went down? The wolves were going to get thrown in the middle of a war between the legions and vampires and that was partially, if not entirely, my fault. I couldn’t leave her to deal with that. I couldn’t leave her to handle the legions and the wardens. I couldn’t leave her.

The other reason I didn’t say yes immediately was somehow even more painful than that. I knew he didn’t want me. I’d known it earlier this morning. Before we took care of the Martinson Family. Before we got home. Before this conversation. I knew all of this, yet it felt like he’d stabbed me in the chest with those simple words.

I don’t want another mate.

Who could blame him? After watching the hell that Ella was going through and would continue to go through for an unknown number of days. And she had to tell Millie that her father wasn’t coming back. The little girl was too young to understand the concept of death, but too old not to realize her father was missing. And Ella had to sit down with that child and tell her, point blank, her father was gone and then relive the whole nightmare again.

As she would every day for the rest of her life. Whenever he wasn’t there and she expected him to be. Whenever she found something he would have loved. Whenever she looked into her daughter’s face and saw his.

I understood Loki’s reasoning and didn’t blame him one bit. Love didn’t stop for death. He would love her for the rest of his life and hopefully one day he would be able to move past all the ache and brokenness that not having her brought to his life. But if that day came, it wouldn’t be because of me.

He would never see me like that.

The pain in my chest got deeper. How could it hurt this much when I barely knew him? Why would it matter if he wanted me or not? I didn’t understand the ache any more than I understood what it was about him that caught my attention. Yes, he was attractive, but so were a lot of men that I hadn’t looked at twice. He was strong and he cared. But I’d met others. Whatever it was about him, I didn’t know it and I wished I did.

Maybe then I could stop this longing.

I opened my mouth to tell him no, but I couldn’t force the word through my lips. I couldn’t deny myself all he offered. Freedom. A chance to walk down a street without getting attacked or watching for attackers. A chance to be with my cousin, whom I’d missed dearly, and her mate who I missed just as much. To be a part of a real Family that wouldn’t treat me like shit. To have a life that all legions were raised wanting.

As selfish as it was, I couldn’t make the word crawl up my throat and release it into the air.

Heart pounding from panic and desire, I went and sat next to him. We didn’t talk. He wasn’t pressuring me and that gave me time to think, but I came up against the same wall. Split between what I really wanted. To not hurt every time I saw him and to not abandon my best friend, but to have the Family I’d always wanted.

As the silence stretched and my body relaxed again while my brain acted like a blender in my head, I felt the same comfort around him that I’d always felt. He was calming. I felt safe around him because I knew, with everything in me, he would never harm me.

“If you keep sitting on the bed, it’s gonna break,” I said.

He laughed. “You need a new one anyway.”

“Doesn’t mean I should punish this one,” I retorted. I’d also be leaving my job. Not that working at Captain Awesome Pawn was a great job or anything, but I enjoyed it. Most nights I only dealt with a handful of people. The rest of the time I could listen to music and draw in my sketchpad. I rearranged things on the shelves and kept inventory. It was relaxing in a strange way.

On the other hand, I’d had to chase off robbers more times than I could count. There was a reason Cap wasn’t surprised when the place was torched.

I could always come back to the city. Those who weren’t Orphaned were allowed in any time they wanted. So I could still see Reggie. Yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d be throwing her to the mercy of Seattle.

Then, in order to get free, I’d have to see my father. I hadn’t spoken to or seen him since he walked out of my life when I was three. My aunt was the one to deliver the Orphaning papers and she had looked so put out while doing so. Even worse when we’d been driving to the city.

I’ve never belonged to anything before. It had never bothered me either, because I hadn’t known anything else. Or, in actuality, I’d never noticed it bothering me. It must have, because now that longing in my chest was so strong. I wanted so badly for this nightmare that I’d been living out to be over. The constant rejection and the knowledge that no one could see past what I was painted to be.

With a sigh, I asked, “When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow. I don’t want to risk someone recognizing Billy for much longer. Take your time, though. It’s not a now or never kind of thing,” he said quickly. “You’d be staying here until I got your pass anyway.”

I nodded. “Okay. Okay… I just need to think.”

“I understand,” he said.

Rising to my feet, I said, “I should go help clean up downstairs.” Then made my escape.

In reality, Reggie and Henrik were working everyone, including the Herons, to the bone cleaning up. I had been waved upstairs after my stitches had been put in, to rest. I wasn’t all that hurt. Bruises and stitches, but I’d had worse. I’d had so much worse than these minor things.

At the bottom of the stairs, I watched everyone moving for about three seconds before I couldn’t stand it anymore and rushed toward the door. Billy and Regory were cleaning up glass in the living room. Henrik was righting furniture and determining if it would survive or not. Lixa was babysitting Millie and showing the girl how to dust, of all things.

I couldn’t see anyone else, but I knew they were all in the house. I could hear them talking. Most of it was the relieved goof off conversations that came after a battle. Adrenaline spent and feeling good, you want to play around. Ella was awake again and speaking with someone. Her words were a little more serious, talking about Millie and only Millie.

Because that was all she had left.

I went out front and sat on the porch stairs. The snow had stopped falling at some point, but there was still the scent of rain in the air. The chill didn’t bite into my skin the way it would have a person of another race, but it did clear my head a little bit. Alone, I was able to look at my options once more without feeling that tightening in my chest.

It was so much easier when Loki wasn’t sitting next to me.

Night had fully fallen. All the shadows were out and playing. It made the broken gate look almost sinister. Reggie and Henrik had grabbed their cars and towed them back into the driveway. Both were smashed to hell and would require so many repairs it would be cheaper just to get new cars.

The glass that had fallen on the ground were the only points of light. The moon was shining behind the clouds and it sparkled on those jagged edges. We needed to find a new safe house. This one wouldn’t do anymore because a few Annihilists got away. Not enough to be worrisome, but they could share the location with others. Tomorrow I’d start packing.

After the Herons left.

The front door opened and Reggie’s scent hit my nose. She walked down the same amount of steps I had and perched next to me. “Lots to do,” she said cheerily. “I’ve got to get another meeting together and explain everything that happened. Ella’s gonna want a new house and I should go with her, don’t you think? We need a new house as well. New cars. My poor gallery. You still have to wait for the pawnshop to get back on its feet. Henrik needs to talk to Santos and figure out if he’s a friend or foe. I need to speak with Basil about lots of stuff…” She trailed off. “It’s like being a cop. You catch the bad guy, but then you have to file all the damn paperwork.”

I smiled. “Somehow, I don’t think it’s quite the same thing.”

Reggie waved her hand. “Your opinion doesn’t matter.”

My mood must have reached Reggie. She leaned forward and bumped my shoulder with hers. “All right, what’s up. Spill.” When I didn’t immediately say anything she crossed her arms over her chest and said, “Remember what happened last time we played this game.”

I held a hand up. “Sing and I’ll hit you in the face.”

“My face?” Reggie asked, appalled. “That’s just rude.”

I was smiling again when I said, “Loki offered to take me into his Family. He said he’d go to my grandparents and father and have them give me a pass to leave the city and then we’d convince them or one of them to revoke their decision on the Orphaning papers.” It felt so strange, talking about the possibility aloud.

Reggie was silent for several seconds. “And?”

I couldn’t tell what she felt by the tone of her voice. I shrugged. “I can’t go,” I told her. “I just can’t. Look at all that stuff you just said we need to do. You didn’t even mention what we’re going to do with Debienne. I can’t see any of my relatives deciding they were wrong about me and freeing me. I can’t leave you here alone to go chase after the possibility and,” my voice cracked as the last reason spilled out of my mouth, “he doesn’t want me. He literally said, ‘I don’t want another mate’. It’s stupid. I barely realized I wanted him before he even left.”

Reggie put an arm over my shoulders and pulled my close in an embrace. She was back to that calm façade. The one that said everything was good, everything was great. The one that couldn’t be believed in times of stress. It was how she kept everything together and I was thankful for it. Sometimes I needed to let someone else be in control.

“You’re an idiot,” Reggie said.

I choked on a laugh. “What?”

“I love you to death, Asire, but you are an idiot. You have to go,” she said simply, releasing me, but not getting up or moving. Our shoulders touching.

“Why?” I asked.

She shook her head, looking up at the sky so that she wouldn’t have to look at me. “You want to go. Otherwise you would have told him to fuck off and wouldn’t be out here trying not to be upset about it. Don’t deny it either.”

I opened my mouth and then said… “I want to go. Yes. I want to go.”

“And you should want to go. Every person in this city wants what you were just offered. A chance to be with their Families. A chance at freedom. Every single Orphan wants that. That’s not why you should go, though it’s a damned good reason in my opinion. No, you should go because it’s everything you’ve ever wanted. Everything since you were old enough to make decisions on your own.”

“But—”

“No,” she said. “Don’t start with the reasons you shouldn’t try. Don’t worry about the vampires. Don’t worry about Debienne. I’ve been dealing with her since you were a child. I’m good at it. Don’t worry about the city. I’ve been living here since before you were born and there’s nothing I can’t handle at this point. Don’t worry about me. I will not be the reason you lose out on a real life.”

“It’s not guaranteed,” I told her. “It’s an attempt to get me out. But somehow, I don’t think any of them will go for it. Especially my father’s mate. Her name’s on the papers too.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Reggie said. “You want to try… You’ve never belonged here. You adapted to your environment, but you do not belong here. Much as I hate to admit it, you don’t belong with us. It’s not a surefire thing, no. But it’s a chance. One that you should take.”

“But I’d have to leave you,” I said.

She smiled. “I love you, Asire. And because I do, I know what’s best for you more than you know what’s best for you. What’s best is that you go and live with the only family you’ve ever known. And as for Loki?”

“He doesn’t want me,” I said when she didn’t immediately continue.

“Bullshit. He wants you a lot, but something is keeping him back. Besides, you know that’s not how it works for us. If he falls in love?” She shrugged. “Anything could happen. You’ll never know if you stay here for the rest of your life. I love you and I’m saying get the fuck out of my city.”

I laughed.

Reggie got up and went into the house to finish cleaning everything up. After another couple of minutes, I rose to my feet as well and went in. Everyone was trying to figure out how to cover the windows for the night and Henrik was listing all the things I had in the garage and how they might be useful.

Upstairs, it was much calmer. Loki was in my bedroom still, putting the last of the trash into a bag. His suitcase was packed in the corner. I stared at it for a second before walking the rest of the way. They were leaving and Reggie was right. I wanted to go. I wanted to be selfish and leave. I wanted to be able to see everyone I loved whenever I chose and this was the way to do it.

“Loki?” I asked.

He looked up from his work with the trash.

“Yes.”