Chapter 101

Once the door of my room is locked, the first statement Brandon utters is, “I am sorry.” Everything slows. My foot pushing forward hangs in the air momentarily and drops with a thud. I gasp, it is barely audible but the silence lends the sound volume.

He is sorry.

Tears pool in my eyes, my hand goes over my mouth. “You have never apologised.”

My eyes round to saucers, I stare at his rigid back. Brandon has always apologised with his actions rather than words, until now, I didn’t realise how much those three words could mean to me. A strange feeling washes over me, I giggle once, soon, I am laughing hysterically. Not in mockery of me or him but pure delight, awe. Oh, my God. He is sorry.

He spins so fast I back up against the door. “Is it too late?” I shake my head, he takes my hands, eyes closing. “I am sorry for leaving for Paris without resolving the issue like you wanted us to. I am sorry I didn’t tell you about my brother.” His gaze returns to my face, I nod twice, I already forgave him for that. “I am sorry for being an ass.” My head bobs, a small smile forms briefly on his lips. “I am sorry for swapping the pills, I was scared.”

Of what? I want to ask but I let him continue, interlacing our fingers to encourage him.

“I freaked out, I just, I just wanted...” His face contorts into a painful mask that breaks my heart. I cup his cheeks. He takes a large gulp of air, our gazes still locked. “I am sorry, Elna. I didn’t know what to do and maybe I am as stupid as you say I am. Selfish even.”

Tapping my index finger to a corner of my puckered lips, I say, “Stupid? Maybe. Selfish? Never.” I beam at him, urging him to smile and he manages a sorry excuse of a smile that disappears as soon as it comes. “You are too hard on yourself, Brandon,” I whisper.

One of his hands comes beside my head, his gaze settles on me. All his emotions are on display, but hurt and guilt are most evident. I draw him into a hug to lend him strength, his arms tighten around me like he is afraid to let go. When we pull apart, he smiles easily.

“At the office when you talked about kids, getting on the pills, I remembered what I did but I didn’t know how to tell you.” He lets out a dry laugh, staring straight at me with his hands in his hair. “To be honest, I hoped you would never find out because I didn’t want to give you another reason to be mad at me.” Stroking my cheek with his thumb, he says, “I keep fucking things up for us yet you try, you try so hard. I don’t understand why.”

“It’s because I love you. I want to understand you, baby,” I say and rub my cheek against his before pulling back to peer at his confused face. “Do you want me to stop trying?” He shakes his head so fast, we both laugh. I palm his face. “But you make it hard sometimes. Very hard.” His eyes gleam with remorse, I smile. “Why do you do the things you do?”

“I’m not sure I know the answer to that.” He sighs. “I like being in control and you upset the balance.” Hearing him confess his feelings shouldn’t have hurt but it did. A sharp pain pierces my heart, I look down at his feet and smile. I hope he will like the shoes I ordered. “Look, at me, El.” I do as commanded because I don’t know what else to do. It is hard holding his gaze. His reply still stings. “I like it.” Relief floods me, my chest falls and he chuckles. “You upset the balance but I won’t have it any other way. It’s so confusing.”

His chest heaves, his smile sends butterflies flying in my belly. “I love being your baby, I love being your husband, I love being your chef. I love being your punching bag though you hit like a lady,” he adds and I manage a laugh. Tears create two lone paths down my cheeks, he wipes them. “Please don’t cry, wife. You make me happy, so happy it feels like a dream and I can’t help trying to ruin it myself before reality pulls a fast one on me.”

I take his hand, kiss the inside of his palm, placing it on my chest where my heart beats. For him. “I’m not a dream, Brandon,” I whisper, he nods. “I’m real. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” Bringing his hand to my lips, I nibble on his fingertips, he relaxes a bit. “I love being your wife, I like it when you call me wife or wifey. I want to be the mother of your kids. I want to grow old with you.” He lets out a disbelieving sigh, I chuckle. “I am here, I belong to you. Stop trying to control everything because you can’t. Let it go.”

At his look of hesitance, I lace our fingers and bring our hands to my cheek while smiling, I need this man to understand how much he means to me. “Share your burden with me.”

“You can’t handle it,” he interjects.

“I will be the judge of that,” I say with enough conviction to sway a jury. “If I cannot handle it, I’ll be the first to let you know.” He frowns, I sigh. “You have to give me that chance to prove myself. One burden at a time, okay?” He looks away. “Brandon, this is a partnership, I want to feel what you feel. To love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

Time seems to pause after my words, I bring our interlaced hands to my lips, kissing his knuckles. “I want you to be happy,” he finally says, “because if you are happy, I’m happy.”

“So you will let me in?” I ask, a tinge of hope colouring my tone. “Please don’t say no.”

“You are too good for me,” he says. I narrow my eyes to slits, that sentence turns my belly, I don’t like it when he says that and he hurriedly adds, “One burden at a time.”

“Good.” Pouting, I ask, “Now, can I kiss you?” He shakes his head, my heart stops. I open my mouth to ask, “Why?” I have an idea why he refused my kisses, so I apologise. “I am sorry for treating you like a casual hookup. It was horrible but I was hurting,” I say, my arms circle his waist. “I was feeling shitty and wanted you to feel the same. I’m sorry.” His fingers weaving through my scalp elicits a moan from me. “It won’t happen again.”

The tension dissolves, he hoists me up, my legs hook around his waist and my arms slide around his neck. I touch my nose to his. “Good.” Rolling a corner of my bottom lip between my teeth, I nod. It hurt me too. “To be fair, I deserved that one. I fucked up.”

My head rears back, I throw him a warning look he waves off. “Yes, you fucked up but I could have handled the situation better. You didn’t deserve that. Say it.” He rolls his eyes. I smack his cheek and grimace when he winces. His cheeks flush. “I’m sorry for letting Ma hit you, I didn’t know she would do that.” I massage his cheek. “Did it hurt?”

“A bit. She hits better than you,” he says with a twinkle in his eyes, walking towards my bed and my lips twitch. He chuckles. “You should have seen your face. But I deserved it.”

I refuse to unwrap my legs from his waist when he lowers me to the bed so he hovers over me. “You didn’t,” I say and he offers me a sad smile that fuels my anger. I drag him by the collar, maybe it is time to go rogue to allow that fact to sink into his thick skull. He is not the worse man on earth. “At what point do you admit you also deserve the good things?”

Placing my hands above my head, he nuzzles my neck and I squirm, causing my gown to ride up. “Never?” My hands slip from his grasp, I wear a frown. I don’t like this.

“We will have to change that because you do. You deserve all the fine things of life too.”

“That’s easy for you to say.”

Pressing a finger to his overeager lips, I unbutton his shirt, unzip his trouser and leave him to handle the rest while I take off my gown. We are both naked and shy and nervous as our eyes roam each other’s bodies. I don’t want us to have sex without completely clearing the air but my words are no longer getting to him. He deserves happiness too. I kneel at the centre of the bed. He kneels in front of me, and I stroke his dick casually.

“Why do you think you don’t deserve all the fine things of life?” I ask. He stops me from touching him, I know I have crossed a line at the guarded look that crawls into his eyes. But that’s what I am trying to change, there should be no line between us to begin with.

“I don’t like your question.”

I shrug, he is too stubborn. Draining. I get off the bed, naked and hurt. “Do you want Capri Sun?” I ask and toss him a pack which he eyes like I might have poisoned it. It irks me. I hiss, finish mine and belch. Without another word, I step into the bathroom.

Away from his stifling negativities. The bathroom is not as glamorous as the one in my new home but it is my safe place, I need a moment of peace. I pass myself a look in the mirror and give myself a thumbs up. Soon, I’ll not be so confident about my naked body.

The floor is cold against my butt, I mask my shock when Brandon’s chest connects with my back. His body provides heat, I lean into him, loving the feel of our naked thighs.

Dipping my palm into the leftover bucket of white paint, I press it to the blue wall. He mimics me, so we have two palm prints on my bathroom wall. Seeing our prints side by side causes love to spread through me, I burst into laughter at the idea that plants itself in my mind.

“What’s so funny?” he asks.

“You will see.”