I finally meet him for Thanksgiving at my grandparent's house. My grandparents seem to like him. He fits in with the family, but I help but feel left out. Everyone strains to stay happy since my mom and dad aren't there. Their constant asking of whether I'm fine or not bothers me. I'm not fine, but I don't want to spend the whole holiday season thinking about it. These are the times I feel like calling Dylan, just to hear his voice. He'd listen to me then would give me encouraging words to help me get through all of it. But I don't give him a chance to. At school he's started to avoid me. We don't talk in class, and he always comes in at the last second and is always the first one out. I'm not sure whether he's already trying to get over me, or if it hurt too much to see me. I'm causing conflict in his mind, and I feel horrible for it. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel lonely. Casey spends a lot of time with Carlos and in turn spends a lot of time with the guys. There's a jealous feeling rising inside me, but I know I'm only doing it to myself. I'm the one who wants solitude. The idea of being with Dylan so soon is scary to me and I don't want to mess up what we had going. I need to be completely ready to jump into a relationship with him and that means learning how to be by myself for a while. As the days grow colder and the loneliness grows into the most agonizing monster, I'm beginning to question my sense of reasoning. On the first day of December, a Saturday, Casey comes to the apartment. When I open the door for her, her eyes are red and teary. "I need your help," she says. "What's going on?" I ask as soon as we are in the comfort of my bedroom. She instantly takes her usual spot on my bed and I sit next to her. I watch as she wipes her eyes and smears a bit of her mascara. I don't know what to think. Has something happened between her and Carlos? "It's Xavier," she says, looking down at her hands. "He's pissed at me because I've been seeing Carlos." It's the first time she's openly admitted to being with Carlos, but I don't say anything. "He thinks he can just burst back into my life and tell me who I can and can't talk to. He says he'll send guys after Carlos if we keep seeing each other," she has a disgusted look on her face. "That's why I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He's just too weird now." Before I can say anything, she keeps going. "I don't know why he's even bothering me now. I mean, I was fine without him in my life. I got over my crush and Carlos swooped in at the right time. Now all of sudden he wants Carlos to stay away from me and he wants Dylan to make things right with Kay." That's news to me. Xavier is pushing Dylan back to Kay? I feel the anger rising in me and Casey see it in my face. "I wasn't supposed to say anything about that," she says, avoiding my eyes. "Why?" "Dylan didn't want you to worry." It's frustrating. I don't need people dictating how I should feel and it's irritated me to no end. Even the way Casey says it bothers me. I know she's hanging out with the guys more and knowing that she's spending more time with Dylan makes me upset. I'm her best friend and I haven't even seen her much since Halloween. "You and Dylan are best friends now, or what?" I regret saying it as the words leave my mouth. It isn't her fault that I've isolated myself, but it still irks me. I mean, she's my best friend and yet she's been the guys more than she's been with me. She's been with Dylan more than I have. It isn't just about Dylan. I feel like I'm losing her to Carlos and the other guys. I'm getting the same sense of loss I felt when I lost my parents and Jacob in the same month. It's almost as if I've completely lost myself. Here I am being angry over Casey putting herself out there and having fun while I've purposely shut myself out from everything and everyone. Is this what it feels like to be a toxic person? "What is that supposed to mean?" she asks, straightening herself. "Nothing," I stand up from my bed. Arguing about it won't do any good. Instead, I cross my arms and stare out my window. "If you're going to say something, then say it, Lace," her voice rose. "I've given you plenty of opportunities to rant about how I'm spending time with the guys and you aren't." Did she really just say that? "I just—yeah, I'm jealous, okay?" I snap. "You have Carlos, you have Xavier, you have the guys, and you have both of your parents. I can't even have Dylan without people trying to separate us." It's coming out and I can't stop it, no matter how bad it all sounds. "Being without my parents for the holidays sucks, Case, and I can't do anything to fix that. Being without them period is hard. I don't want to play the victim, but I can't help it this time." I'm sick of seeing a parking lot outside my window instead of the landscaped yard of my old house. I miss waking up on the weekends to my parents singing along to music in the kitchen as they cooked breakfast together. Or hearing my mom scold my dad for drinking straight from the milk gallon. Or even just hearing their voices. What if one day I can't remember what they sound like? "Lace, I'm sorry—" I stopped her. "You said sorry when I told you about the accident, and you said sorry at the funerals. I don't want to hear it again." "I wish you would've told me this is how you feel," she says quietly. Tears are forming in my eyes and I know I won't be able to stop them if I look at her and I don't want that. I clear my throat and try to clear my mind. "There are a lot of things I wish you would've told me." She barely told me she's with Carlos now and I didn't even know about Xavier until a couple months ago. It's like she has a whole other life I don't know about. "You're already dealing with all the stuff going on in your life and I didn't want to dump my problems onto you," she says. "Case, I would've gladly thought about something these past few months," I finally look at her. "You could've told me about Xavier. You could've told me about you and Carlos." "I didn't want to make you feel bad about me and Carlos—" "Why, because Dylan and I aren't together? I don't care about that." She stands up and walks over to me. "Fine, I should've told you." "I'm over this conversation," I shake my head. Being in an argument with Casey isn't going to do me any good. If I'm not able to talk to her, then I'll go crazy. "Let's just move on." "Deal," she nods immediately. "What are you going to do about Xavier?" "I don't know. He's being psychotic about this whole thing." "Maybe you just need to sit and talk to him." Her nose scrunches up. "There's no way I'm going to sit and talk to him. I still don't forgive him for ditching our friendship. Plus, he's kind of freaking me out." "Honestly, I wish I knew what to say," I tell her. Xavier seems like a scary guy, but he didn't look so scary next to Casey. It's like she's his Achilles heel in the worst possible way. Casey leaves soon after. Things don't seem to be completely resolved between us, but I let it be. Everything will work out, as they usually do with us. We're just hitting a bump in our friendship.