Chapter 156

Chapter 156
Aeron
Isla wakes a little later than usual. After the week she had, I expected her to spend the night in bed. Closing the fissures and then going on a week-long break from sleep had drained her. She didn't seem to notice, or care much, that she was running on pure fumes that would bring a much older vampire to their knees.
I had been reflecting on the last several... centuries of my life. I weighed myself and came out lacking. I am not the man I was supposed to be. I gave up. On all of it. I didn't manage my kingdom, I didn't look after the vampires in my care, I allowed Nicolette to run rampant making new vampires like they were toys. For every serious crisis that came knocking, I did the absolute bare minimum to keep it from my door. I did not protect my people. I did not protect my family or my bride.
They did all the work, while I only benefited from their efforts and pretended to be a king.
And perhaps worst of all. I wasn't the husband, the maker, my bride deserved.
I simply sat back and decided to do nothing. Let everything go and leave it to the gods, or the destinies, or whomever wanted to step into the void I created, because I couldn't be fucking bothered to do it anymore.
I could blame any number of things for my apathy. The years and responsibility of being a king weighed heavily upon me, yes. I got tired of the games and life, sure. But mostly it was because I gave up and stopped caring.
And as a result, my bride decided that she couldn't trust me to help her carry this big thing inside her. The thing that is crushing her and scaring her to death.
I didn't just fail as a vampire and king. I failed as a husband and a man.
I could have done, I should have done, so much better.
In the apartheid, Isla stirs and I listen as she showers, then heads to the fridge to mix her first drink for the night. She's developed a taste for blood mixed with certain kinds of wine.
Most vampires, especially the very young ones, can't handle it and it will make her sick, but she's doing very well with. Her newest hobby is to mix different kinds of wine, from the cheap stuff all the way to most expensive ones, with her blood to see which ones she likes the most.
A few minutes later, she steps out onto the balcony with me and inhales deeply. "The world feels calm," she declares.
I nod and put my drink down, then tap the chair next to me. I have to break open and confess all my shortcomings to her, every failure, every moment I decided to take the easy road because the difficult one was too much effort, ever time I left one of my lords to their own devices, or allowed a baby queen to dictate my war strategy and carry the burden I should have carried.
I have will have make similar confessions to my family, then I need to atone. This is not new, I just swore I'd never fall for it. We call it the weariness of years - when the passage of time and tragedy just becomes too much for a vampire to handle. They usually walk away, isolate themselves, but I stayed. I made my family believe that I was okay.
I am not okay.
Isla listens carefully while I speak. She doesn't move. She barely breathes, she doesn't even blink. She just listens and absorbs all of it.
She is much better than I deserve.
"The worst part is that I did not... notice the apathy until now. Until last night," I end my monologue. "You were so very lonely, and you did not trust me enough to lean on me. You went to Hakon, Michael, even Morvahn, but you did not come to me... because you didn't trust that I could hold you."
She sips her wine, her third glass, and gives me a radiant smile that makes me go all gooey on the inside. "This morning, you showed me that you could. I am not worried anymore."
"But do you trust me?"
"I have always trust you."
"You trusted that I would keep you safe, as your maker and your groom, but you never trusted me with your heart. With your fears."
"I told you these last weeks how scared I am."
"Yes," I reply softly. "And Hakon was the one who found the answer and reassured you. Not me."
She shrugs and pulls her legs up, resting her heels on the edge of the chair. "You can't do everything."
"Hm. But I've been doing nothing."
She sighs and stares out over the quiet castle grounds. "You were not the... vampire I expected. People said you were strict but fair. That could be fearsome and deadly when provoked. You are... not that. Not anymore anyway. I've seen glimpses of the vampire I remember from my previous lives."
Something inside me jolts a little. "You remember your past lives?"
"Some of them. In my dreams. You visit there often. You were different then. Stronger. Deadlier. But unkind and unforgiving too sometimes."
I smirk and sip my whisky. "I suppose... it's been hard for me to find a balance as of late."
"I don't think you've ever found one. There was a time... I was your wife, my father Hrothgar, king of the Danes promised me to you. Do you remember her... me?"
I smile. "I remember you, Freawaru," I answer with a smile. "Every wife I ever took, every bride I ever attempted to make was an incarnation of you, and I remember every version of you."
She gets up and perches on my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. "I did not love you back then. I was supposed to weave the peace between our kingdoms, but I failed. Do you remember?"
"Yes," I whisper. "I remember. I also remember the war that followed."
"When I was Freawaru, the destinies allowed me to remember every previous life. All of them. I was so tired too. Of the blood and the wars and the peace that never came. So when my father gifted me to you, I also did not want to fight for it. I thought what was the point. In the end, we always do the same thing. War and blood, blood and war. It is futile. Peace will never exist.
"That is what I believed back then. I understand. I do not blame you for giving up now."
My heart hammers in my chest and blood rushes through my body. She is not just a king's daughter anymore. Isla has been reincarnated so many times that she is a goddess now. If she does not believe that peace is ever possible, then she can sow chaos and revel in it. "And now? Do you still think we are incapable of peace?"
She rests her head on my shoulder. "I don't know... but I'd like to give it a try. It would be nice not to worry about the next war for once. Don't you think?"
"Hm." I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her tighter against me. "That is a pleasant fantasy. Let's linger there for a while, shall we?"