Chapter Thirty-Nine

The grass is soft and plush against my fingers. I twirl a long blade around, then rip it from the ground. The hand written note I'd spend hours labouring over, presses against the matted soil in front of me. Writing it felt like the easy part, however, reading it aloud presented a new challenge. 'Dear Logan.' It says, my eyes not wandering past the first line. My heart aches at the thought of reading the emotional sentences. I don't know how writing a letter is going to help, because at the moment it's making me feel worse. "Ava?" I look over my shoulder and see Blake walking across the grass. His low-slung blue jeans and grey polo shirt are a familiar and comforting sight for me. Blake sits down behind me, then places his legs on either side. I feel his arms wraps around my stomach, then he pulls my body against his chest. "What are you doing here?" I ask as I look over my shoulder and up to his clean shaven face. "I went to your house to surprise you, then your parents told me to find you here." He shrugs his shoulder, then nuzzles the side of my neck with his face. "Is there something wrong?" I ask. "No," he mumbles against my neck, "Mum offered to look after London, so I decided I'd spend some time with you alone." "Thank you for coming. I think Logan will like it." Somehow Blake made the world feel slightly bearable by just being there for me. No words were needed for us, but for Logan, I could never find the rights ones to say. Perhaps I'd always struggle with this. I felt silly talking to a head stone- they didn't talk back. Who's to say Logan would even be listening? Perhaps this exercise was a waste of my time. "Have you started reading the letter yet?" "I couldn't bring myself to do it," I reply, "I just." I look to the ground and continue to play with the blades of grass poking up. "Just talk freely then?" "I wouldn't know what to say." "Read the letter and then we'll burn it after - that's what you're supposed to do, right?" offers Blake. "I guess." I lean forward and collect the letter from the ground and hold it in my hands. Blake kisses the side of my neck and lowly hums a tune, the same one he hums to London when she's upset. "Dear Logan," I read, "I miss you." The tears begin to swirl up, which make me frantically flutter my eyelids to stop the tears from streaming down my face. "You've been missing for so long. I know it hurts, but trust me when I say, we'll make it out together," he softly sings. "I miss that we can't talk, fight or just be silly together. Every time something exciting happens, I go to message you, but I realise I can't, and it hurts all over again. You're gone and I can't get you back. I guess reading this letter will have to do. You've missed out, so I'll catch you up," I begin. With the end of my long sleeved shirt, I dry the tears and continue reading. "I met this wonderful man named Blake. I think you'd like him because he plays x-box. He's an adoring father and someone I know I can trust to look after me. He makes me laugh, smile, dance and just breathe again. I never thought I could do this again with you gone." "You're doing good, baby," whispers Blake. "As each day passes, I hurt a little less. It's not that I've forgotten you, but I've come to terms with the idea of you being there in a different way. I love you. Always, Ava." I close the letter and bury my face in Blake's chest. He holds onto me tightly and kisses the top of my head. "Let it all out, baby girl, let it all out." "I miss him so much, Blake." "I promise to always be there for you, to put you first and to take care of you." Blake moves his head and rests his chin on top of my shoulder. "Ava is my world, my rock and source of life. I'd never let anything happen to her, I just wanted you to know that, Logan." Blake squeezes me tightly and plants another kiss on my head. "I'm ready to burn the letter." I sit up and look at Blake. He pulls out an orange lighter and hands it to me. I turn away from him and hold the letter over the soil. With one flick, the flame appears and catches the corner of the letter. It quickly burns, so I drop it on the soil and stamp out the flame. A small breeze ripples through the graveyard and it feels like it carries away the unsettled emotions. I take a deep breathe and lean back against Blake's chest. "Are you ever going to forgive him?" I ask. "I don't know." He shrugs. "He had sex with my girlfriend and could be the father of my child." "I'd just hate for something to happen before you have the chance to resolve these feelings." My eyes flutter towards the headstone with Logan's picture engraved on it. "I just need more time." "Do you feel guilty? Knowing the truth behind the results - the fact that you're not one hundred percent sure." Blake's arms hold me tighter against his chest as an array of emotions sprawl across his face. "There's a small part of me that wants to know. But when I look into London's eyes, I know if I find they're Jude's staring back, then I don't know how I'd ever be able to forgive him for it." "You should tell him the truth or stop being angry with him," I honestly say. "You can't be mad with him for sleeping with Tori when he might be the father of London." I look up into his eyes and try and figure out the storm clouds swirling within those green orbs, but oddly nothing reveals itself. Blake Rivers could sometimes be a mystery waiting to be solved. "You're blunt," he replies. "Just trying to be truthful or helpful, whichever one comes first." I shrug my shoulders. "I'll talk to Jude soon, I just need to regroup my thoughts before I sit down and chat. I'd rather act with time, then act without time." We sit at the gravestone for a little longer before getting up and heading back to Blake's car. I'd managed to sort out my feelings for my brother, now it's Blake's turn.