"Fuck, we've wasted so much water." He joked and my chest rumbled in laughter. Breaking myself out of his warm hold I turned to wash the remaining vegetables. "I'm gonna be in the bedroom." He announced as he went into the bedroom with his phone pressed to his ear as I finished preparing the pasta. Heath and I were living together in an apartment. Alone. I knew things were bound to happen. I just don't think I am ready to give myself to him yet, in that way. I was still getting used to the way his hands would roam over my body or the way his lips would explore my skin. The burning sensation, butterflies, and sparks felt a lot to me, and I didn't know what to do about that. My experience with men hadn't been good. I had seen my Dad hitting Mom, painfully hurting her both physically and verbally, and then other guys had tried to get their hands on me. All in all, a fear had settled within me because of being the victim of these incidents. All these occurrences had marked my body in a way that I was a bit insecure about giving myself entirely to Heath. I knew Heath wouldn't do anything to hurt me and would never trespass my boundaries, but that didn't diminish my fear. I didn't want to tell him about it because he had the right to be intimate with me as my boyfriend. All we had done was neck kissing or plain kissing. That was all we had done so far, and I could only hope that Heath was satisfied by them. I had already kept myself from him for so long, so now he had all the right to make me his, but I wasn't sure if I truly wanted that. His blue eyes would be filled with lust, and I knew he just wanted to claim me, and I wanted to go down that road, but I was nervous. After all, trauma is something that marks your soul, body, and mind in a way nothing else does. It's different for everyone; some come out of it quickly, while some get out of it by getting help. Then, people like me needed time and patience to forget the memories of the traumatic experiences I had experienced. I busy myself making pasta and when it was ready, I called Heath's name. I set the food on the counter as I waited for Heath to come but he was taking a long time. Inquisitively I stood up and made my way to our bedroom to check whether he was asleep or if something was wrong. Rotating the doorknob, I entered the dark room but couldn't see anyone in there. My eyes searched for him, but I couldn't find him, and that accelerated my heart. But my heart settled down when I saw my boyfriend leaning on the railing of the balcony while letting out puffs of dense white smoke into the air. All this time, I thought he had quit this dangerous habit of his, but right now, seeing him like this, I realized that he hadn't. It had been months since he last smoked, and I almost thought he was done with it. "Heath," I made my presence known as I hurriedly approached him. Before I could stand in front of him he had thrown the stick of cigarette under his shoe sole and squashed it. "Yeah," He said and I looked into his eyes that weren't sparkling. "Why… were you smoking?" I asked him and he frowned at me. "No! I wasn't. I don't smoke." He answered in a strained tone, and I took a step back as I realized that he was lying to me. I thought Heath would never lie to me, but here he was lying straight to my face. I wasn't a controlling girlfriend. I didn't mind him smoking. It was the thought of something terrible happening to him that had my toes curled up in worry. I didn't want to lose him because of lung cancer or something else that was fatal. He was all I had, and I didn't want him to leave me. Heath was the only constant in my life, and I wanted to keep it that way. I loved him so much that the thought of losing him made me scared, like a kid afraid of clowns. My heart would race even thinking about that. I couldn't risk the chance of him abandoning me. I just couldn't. It was too much for me to bear after I'd already lost some significant people in my life. "Heath, I saw you." I confronted him and he sighed heavily. "Well, you saw wrong because I wasn't." He exclaimed angrily as his eyes turned a shade darker, and I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. A speck of fear set its root into my head as I saw a change in Heath's behavior. He had never raised his voice at me because he knew what it'd do to me and yet he did it. What was wrong with him? "Heath, are you…okay?" Instead of cowering away from him like I probably would have in the past. I took short cautious steps in his direction till I was right in front of him and we were close to each other. A gust of cold wind brushed against my bare arms and permeated chills throughout my body. But it was nothing compared to the icy glare Heath was sending my way. I put my hand on his arm and squeezed it in the hope of comforting him, but he didn't even flinch a muscle when I touched him. The set of ocean blue eyes was watching me, specifically my face as if he was figuring me out. Just like the day when we had first met. Cold blue eyes staring into my timid brown ones. It was just like that. But the only difference was, I knew him now and I knew something was going on with him but like the guy he was, he wasn't gonna tell me and I didn't want that. I wanted him to talk to me. Was it because of what happened in the kitchen? I thought to myself. "Heath…what is it?" The tone of my voice was soft despite how vulnerable his cold behavior was making me. "It's fucking nothing." His eyes told me a different story, and I wanted to delve deeper, but I knew he wouldn't let me in. A second later, Heath brushed past me, exiting the room, leaving me behind with a hazy mind and worried heart that was yearning for him to return. But I knew he wouldn't, which made me more confident that something was wrong with Heath. But the question was, what was it?