With the gate men

With the gate men
"Do you even realize what you’re doing to yourself? Huh?

Luke’s voice was loud, not angry but desperate. It was the kind of tone someone used when they’re losing control of the person they’re trying to hold onto.

In his own case, he was worried about Akira.

Akira sat at the edge of his bed, with his lips slightly swollen, and his hair messy. The faint scent of another man could still be perceived on his body.

He didn’t answer immediately, because his chest was heavy with fear, but his body shook with an unspoken anticipation, which he hated admitting even to himself.

The silence between them was louder than anything Luke had ever heard. It felt like Akira simply stared at his hands. They were the same hands that had been holding onto the desk the night before, like his life depended on it.

He gripped it like it was his life while fully submitting to something he wasn’t sure he wanted, but just couldn’t resist.

At that instant, his throat became dry, and when he finally tried to speak out, the words came out shaky.

"I don’t know how to stop," Akira whispered with panic laced in his eyes, as his voice sounded almost childlike, and trembled as if he was confessing something forbidden.

Luke turned away in fear, as his hands began going through his hair like he wanted to tear the strands out, through his scalp.

His body was tense, while his jaw tightened in fear. "Don’t tell me that. You know damn well what’s happening to you. You can't tell me that you're not enjoying every bit of it. You’re feeding on it, and it’s quite obvious that you like and want them to use you."

Immediately he said that, Akia flinched at his words. The words stung, not because they weren’t true, but because Luke was the only person who could strip him with words like that. He truly knew how to put him in a tough spot.

As he made to open his mouth, he closed it almost immediately. Then finally, he spoke with a shaky voice, "Maybe, I do."

The words were out before he could take them back, and the shame engulfed his entire body like a hurricane. At that moment, Luke froze, as he turned his back to him, with his fists clenched so tightly, while his knuckles whitened.

"Do you even hear yourself?" Luke hissed with a sigh. He turned finally, with his eyes blazing with something between fury, anger, and also heartbreak. "Akira, you’re letting them ruin you. You’re letting them break you into something I don’t even recognize anymore, and I'm afraid for you!"

As he spoke, tears ran down Akira's cheeks. It was not because he disagreed, but because it hurt to know Luke still cared enough to sound broken.

Truth be told, he wanted to crawl out of his own skin, he also wanted to deny it, and even scream at Luke to leave him alone, but instead he whispered, "Then why can’t I stop?"

At that instant, the atmosphere in the room intensified.

Luke didn’t answer, nor say any word. Rather, he stormed out, slamming the door behind, and leaving Akira in the middle of the silence that only made his own heartbeat intensify.

\---

The days became unpredictable, after that event. Akira kept to himself, but the temptation was never far.

Every hallway he walked down, and even every classroom he entered, and also every glance from a stranger, felt like it carried a message. The possibility that someone else could see him, want him, and as usual, use him. It was as if the more he indulged, the more visible he became to predators and admirers, as well.

Till that very moment, the professor hadn’t even stopped his acts, and that encounter was no accident, and Akira knew it.

Every glance during lectures eventually turned into lingering touches and deep thrustings which were accompanied by loud moaning, when no one else was watching, until one evening, Akira found himself back in that office again, and against his better judgment.

He told himself it would be the last time, but then again, after he felt the weight of that older man pressing him down against the desk, all his resistance would shatter.

He also hated the way his body betrayed him, each time. He hated the way it felt good, and he hated how deep down, a part of him wanted to drown in that very moment.

But each time he left, his chest felt smaller, like he was giving away pieces of himself he couldn’t ever get back.



The turning point came late one night, when Akira couldn’t sleep, and the entire dorm was quiet.

Luke hadn’t returned yet, and he decides to stroll outside just to breathe. The night air was chill and cold, with cricket and bird sounds coming from the distance. The campus lights shone long shadows across the empty grounds, and he didn’t even expect to see them. The two gatemen by the gate, were sitting on low stools, laughing at something on their phone screen, and they noticed his presence, instantly.

One of them was tall and had a broad shoulder. It felt as though his dark skin shone under the light, as he raised an eyebrow. "Are you lost, boy?" he asked him, with his tone teasing, but yet sharp enough to make Akira’s heart shake.

Immediately, Akira froze on his tracks, as his body betrayed him once again. It was as though something in that gaze pierced through him, it could be the same way the professor’s did, or the same way Luke’s disappointment did. He also wanted to run, but his legs couldn't carry him. Instead, he swallowed hard, as he was unable to form some words, while feeling that dangerous pull inside him that was becoming too familiar.

The second guard smirked, while nudging at the first. "Look at him... He looks like a pretty boy, and it looks like he strolled down here for more than fresh just air."

Immediately they said that, Akira’s lips parted to protest, and also to deny what he had just said, but, alas, no sound came out.

It even felt as though his silence was louder than words, and again, his silence gave him away.

And in that moment, as both men rose slowly from their seats, standing over him with a kind of authority that caused his heart skip, Akira knew this was the edge.

That was the moment!

It was that same dangerous edge which he had been walking on since the first time he let himself get used, and it was the same edge that was leading him towards something darker, something bigger, and maybe, something final.

Who knows?



Deep inside his body, Akira’s heart screamed at him to stop. To run, and also to go back to Luke, and to tightly hold on to the one person who still wanted to save him.

But his body, said otherwise.

His body betrayed him again, and his body moved forward when it should have turned back. His breath quickened, as his lips trembled, and his eyes lifted to meet theirs with a mix of both fear and need.

And in that exact moment, he knew something...

There was no turning back!

This wasn’t just another mistake, this was the beginning of the end for him.