Chapter 15

**Logan**

This has got to be the best morning of my life. No nightmare last night, my daughter in my arms and her mother across from me. The only thing that could have made this morning better is if we were in my bed at my condo.

Last night hadn’t ended how I expected, but it was still worth it. When Megan had gotten changed, we stayed up talking with Ella. Ella is remarkable, so inquisitive it makes me proud. When I told her she has a great-grandad, she wanted to know everything about him. Megan had asked me questions about him too.

*Last night

*Ella softly snores as I finish telling her about my grandfather. Megan sits up and moves the sheet off Ella. I frown a little and watch her move the sheet under Ella’s legs so that it can go up to her out waist. *

*“She gets really hot. She’ll end up kicking the covers off us all,” she tells me.*

*“Ah, I see,”*

*“It’s nice you’ve got your grandfather,” she tells me and lays her head on the pillow with her arms folded under her head. “He sounds like a nice man,” *

*“He is. He’d be disappointed in me, though,” I tell her and stroke Ella’s hair from her face. “He’s like David, always about doing what’s right,”*

*“You’re too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes,” she tells me and then yawns. *

*“Sometimes I think I’ve made too many,” I say in thought. Knowing with Megan, I have made too many. *

*Leaving her the way I did was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have done what David said. I should have discussed it with her first and then made arrangements for her to follow. Then I probably would have gotten better quicker. Instead, I spent six months getting off my face and screwing anything that would let me. Out of guilt, I got worse. My grandfather is the person that got me into a facility in Spain. It’s because of him I’m here now. *

*My grandfather persuaded me to come back to America. He told me I had to face my guilt. I had to look Megan in the eyes and apologise. If I truly loved her, I’d return to her and show her what she means to me. My actions would disappoint him. *

“It’s about what we do to rectify our mistakes,” Megan tells me.

“Do you think so?” I ask.

“Yeah. I mean, you’ve not done anything terrible, at least I don’t think you have. You just need to forgive yourself first,” she pauses and plays with Ella’s hair. “If there’s one thing I’ve learnt is that you can’t change the past, but you can change how it affects your future. When Ella was born, I could have easily let my grandfather take over; he even offered to. He told me I wouldn’t be good for her, and without a father figure, I wouldn’t be able to bring her up. That no 18-year-old girl could bring a baby up on their own,” She sighs and moves onto her back to look up at the skylight. “For a long time, I believed him. I sat in the hospital looking at Ella and questioning if I was good enough. It was Courtney and Carl that told me not to listen to Carlton. They made me see I wasn’t alone and that I was good enough. I think it was my past that made me think I wasn’t good enough. I realised I shouldn’t let what Jonathon did dictate my life,”

“You’re more than good enough. You’ve done amazing with her,”

“I think I got lucky. She’s quite easy,” she says, looking at Ella with so much love it’s something I’ve not seen on her face before.

“No, you do everything you can for her, and it’s evident in her. She’s polite, well mannered and adorable. I personally believe that is what every child needs to be,” I tell her, making her chuckle.

“Thank you, and I couldn’t agree more, although her cuteness makes me spoil her,”

“I can’t wait to spoil her. If I take her shopping, you can guarantee I’ll buy her everything she wants,” I confess, and she laughs,” I smile at having her laugh with me.

“You won’t,”

“I can’t say no to her, as evident when I took her to that cafe shop you both like after the park. I think if David hadn’t dragged me out, I would have bought everything,” I say with a small smile.

“She was so happy. I think she went into a cake coma that night,” she tells me, and I smile. **

---

We spent about an hour talking after Ella fell asleep. Megan fell asleep first. I couldn’t help but admire her as she slept. I’m happy that there’s at last one thing that hasn’t changed about her, and that’s the way she sleeps. She’s not like Ella, who at one point hit me in the face and moved to the point where she was pretty much on top of me. That’s how she woke up. I pretended to be asleep as she climbed over me to join Courtney and Yasmin for breakfast. Megan sleeps entirely still, in a fetal position and hardly moves. Now and then, she’ll turn to go on her other side only to turn back maybe half an hour later.

Courtney and Yasmin are making breakfast for Ella. I can hear the chatter going on. Ella has shushed them multiple times because ‘Logan and mommy are sleeping,’ it’s adorable. A part of me is upset she’s not calling me daddy.

“Why don’t you wake mommy and daddy up, then?” Courtney asks her.

“No,”

“They’ll wake up with the smell of food,” Yasmin states, and on cue, Megan’s eyes flutter open, showing her brilliant green eyes. She looks at me and then frowns.

“Why aren’t Logan and Mommy like other Mommys and Daddy?” Ella asks. Megan looks down at herself and then looks to breathe a sigh of relief. I guess if we had slept together, she’d regret it. I’m not sure why.

“What do you mean?” Yasmin asks.

“Well, normal Mommys and Daddys live together and are married, oh and they kiss. Mommy and Logan don’t do that,” she explains.

Megan looks away from me. I can see the sadness in her eyes. I’m not sure what it’s from. If it’s from what Ella is saying or because she wants us to be like that. I wish we could be like normal parents, but we can’t at this moment in time. My fiance arrived in America yesterday; that was the main reason I wanted to go out. I don’t want to be near her. Telling Megan seems like the right thing to do, but I can’t. It’ll hurt her, and I’ve hurt her enough.

“Ella, why do you call Daddy Logan?” Yasmin asks her.

“Because,” Ella sounds shy.

“Because what?” she asks.

“Because he might not like me calling him daddy, he told me to call him Logan and...” it seems she whispers the last part or mumbles it. I hear Courtney and Yasmin laugh a little. “It’s true,” Ella says.

“No, you’re right,” Courtney says.

“Do they not love each other?” Ella asks.

“We don’t know.” Yasmin states. “All we know is that they both love you,”

“But I want them to be together, then I can have real parents, you know, like in Home Alone,” she tells them.

“They left their child at home alone for a week. They’re not very good parents,” Courtney tells her and Ella giggles.

“Like Young Sheldon then,”

“But then we wouldn’t get to have a girls night,” Courtney tells her.

“You can live with us too. We’ll live in a big house. Mommy, Logan, you and Auntie Yaz,” Ella says. I hear Max bark. “And Max and Salt and Pepper,” she says happily.

“I like the idea of this. Where will this big house be?”

“Anywhere, you said Logans a zillionaire he can buy it,” she says. I smile, and I see Megan smile a little too. “I’ll tell him to let you decorate too, ooh, and we can get a big ball pool too, then we can play in the ball pool and eat loads of chocolate cake,” she giddily tells them.

“Ella, stop thinking about cake; you’ll start drooling,” Yasmin tells her and I can hear the smile in their voice.

“I love chocolate cake,” she confesses dreamily. “Do you think they’ll love each other again?” Ella asks suddenly. “We could Parent Trap them,”

“You need a twin,” Courtney says.

“No, silly, I’m not sure. What do adults do to make babies,” I hear coughing and a slight giggle.

“Ella, don’t ask questions like that when I’m drinking,” Courtney says while trying to clear her throat.

“You’re too young to be asking those questions,” Yasmin states.

“Ask your mom when she wakes up. She’s had a baby,” Courtney tells her. “We don’t know what adults do to make babies. We’re innocent,”

“Liar,” Yasmin says, and Ella laughs.

Megan sighs and sits up to show them she’s awake. She rubs her eyes and then yawns.

“Mommy,” Ella says happily, and I hear her run towards us. I get up too. She stops and looks at me, then back at Courtney and Yasmin, both still in their pyjamas. They smile at her and go back to making breakfast. “Morning, Logan,” she says and walks to then climb onto the bed onto Megan. Megan hugs her. “Morning, mommy,”

“Morning, baby,” Megan says to her and kisses her cheek. “Go give your Daddy a hug,” she tells her. Ella nods and climbs over Megan to crawl onto my lap and hug me. I smile a little and hug her back.

“Do you want some breakfast? I made pancakes with Auntie Corny and Auntie Yaz,”

“You made pancakes?” Courtney asks. Ella smiles cheekily and nods enthusiastically.

“I think I’ll pass on food,” Megan says and gets up out of bed. “I think I have a hangover. I didn’t drink that much,” I watch her stand and walk out of the living room towards the bedrooms.

“I’d love some pancakes,” I tell Ella. Her face lights up. I notice Courtney sneak off towards the bedrooms after Megan.

---

“Do I even want to know how you ended up spending the night at Megan’s?” David asks me once I’m in the car.

After breakfast, I texted David to pick me up as I needed to go to my apartment on the upper east side to have words with my darling fiance. This farce needs to end. Megan will keep pushing me away if I allow this charade to continue. When she came back from the bedroom, she kept her distance from me. We all sat around a table, and she made Ella sit between us. I’m not complaining. It was just obvious she was trying to pull away from me. I feel like I took two steps forward with her to take three steps back.

“Nothing happened,” I tell David.

“That’s not what TMZ says,” he tells me. I frown as I take my phone out to look at any emails I have or answer any of my texts. “There’s a picture of both of you kissing and a video,”

“A video?” I ask and look on the TMZ website to see we’re on the homepage. “Great, who thinks to themselves, ‘I know, I’ll film these two,’ some people,” I growl to myself.

“You know you’re classed as a celebrity. You should have been careful,”

“Why?” I snap. “We were having drinks. I don’t think to myself people may see this.”

“Why did you kiss her?”

“That’s what you’re annoyed about?”

“Kissing her wasn’t a good idea,”

“Why?”

“Logan, you’re not a child. I’m not going to spell this out for you,” he states.

“Whatever, just take me to my ball and chain,” I grumble.

“I’ve told you, just cut off your foot,” he jokes.

I sigh and look out of the window. My day started so well, and now it can only get worse. I wish I’d stayed at Megan’s and let Ella and Courtney put makeup on me. When I’d asked Ella what she was doing, she told me they were having a spa day, and I could join if I wanted. Having a spa day with my daughter seems like such a better option.

---

Walking into my apartment, the bane of my life is sitting on the dark brown leather couch. Her blonde hair is styled to perfection, and her tall slim body dressed in a lace bodice and loose-fitting jeans with a pair of stiletto sandals. David had told me she’s in town for a photoshoot. She’s honestly a beautiful girl. She could have anyone she wants. She’s the type of woman other women want to be, and men want to screw.

Her perfect blue eyes turn in my direction. She smiles and stands up. With her mobile in hand, she walks towards me.

“Hello Zoe, how was your flight?” I ask.

“As expected,” she tells me as she stops in front of me. Her perfume swirls around me. Sickly sweet as usual. “So,” she says, moving her hands up my chest. “Who was the girl you were with last night?” she asks as her hands move up around my neck and caress through my hair. “Let me guess,” she says, pursing her heart-shaped lips. She smirks knowingly, “Your darling Megan?” she asks.

“How did you know?” I ask.

“Like you, I have money too. I figured you’d find her,”

“I have a daughter,” I tell her.

“I see,” Zoe says and moves her hands back down my chest.

“We need to end this,” I say as I move my hands to her arms.

Zoe smiles as she moves out of my arms. I watch as she ties her long blonde hair up in a high ponytail. She leans against the back of the sofa with her arms folded under her petite bust. Her smile turns into a slight chuckle. My eyes narrow on her. She’s laughing at me, actually laughing in my face.

“What’s so funny?” I ask.

“You,” she pauses and lets out a dramatic sigh, “do you really think she’s going to take you back? You left her. You made her be a single mum at 18. She’s not going to take you back,” she states. I frown and feel the anger boiling in me. “I wouldn’t if I was her, especially with all the shit she’s gone through,”

“That’s not why,” she cuts me off.

“What do you think is going to happen? She’ll forget everything, that she’ll welcome you back into her life with open arms?” she asks as she walks towards me. “Do you think she’ll accept everything about you?”

“She knows,” I state, knowing precisely what she is referring to.

“Does she?” I watch as she unbuckles the skinny black belt around her waist. “Like I know?” she asks. I look away from her a little. “I didn’t think so,” I watch as she pulls on my t-shirt. “I wonder how that would go,” she looks up at me through her lashes. “What will she think knowing you like to fuck rough? Not just tie her up and spank her a couple of times. You want to make her yours, leave marks on her body, and cause her pain.”

“I don’t,” her fingers move up my abdomen.

“Like her abuser,” she states. I grab her by her neck. She smirks. “Do you think she’ll submit to you as I do? Enjoy it as I do? She won’t, will she, and you know it.”

I take the skinny belt out of her hands. By the look in her eyes, she knows what’s going to happen. The excitement flashes through light blue eyes as her lips part, and her tongue flicks between them. Letting go of her, I step away from her. Her hands move to the button of her jeans in anticipation, her perfectly polished nails caressing the silver button. I take my t-shirt off and turn my back to her.

“Take your jeans off, keep the heels on,” I order. I hear her unbutton and unzip them. Walking to the utility closet, I put my t-shirt in the washing machine.

She’s right. I can’t argue with her. Megan wouldn’t be like Zoe. Megan would see me the same as Jonathon. I know for a fact I’d never hurt Megan in that way. I also know she wouldn’t see it like that. When I left, I was experimenting with her to see what her threshold was. A part of me purposely held back because I knew I’d lose her. I still lost her anyway.

Walking back into the dining area, Zoe stands in her black sheer lace bodice one piece and her strappy heels. Her hair tied up and back off her shoulders. I notice the lovebite on her inner left thigh, making me frown.

“Who have you been screwing?”

“No one,” she lies. I walk up to her and hold her belt in front of her. She turns, so her back is to me and moves her hands behind her back. I wrap the strap around both of her wrists.

“It doesn’t bother me that you’ve fucked someone else,” I truthfully tell her. She can screw anyone she wants. It doesn’t bother me. In my eyes, we’re not together. She’s someone who helps sate my craving for control and dominance. What she does when she’s not with me isn’t my problem. We don’t have the same understanding, as evident by the ring on her finger.

“I’m angry at you,”

“Is that so,”

“You left me.”

“We broke up,” I say as I push her towards the table. Bending her over, making her pert little bum stick up in the air and her spine curve to push her chest and neck into the table. She turns her head to look at me, and I can see the arousal in her eyes. Smoothing my hand over her soft skin, I step away from her and sit in one of the chairs. She pouts a little but schools her face and looks down.

“You need to be punished, do you understand?”

“Yes, sir,”

“Do you know why?”

“Yes, sir,”

“Why?”

“For lying,”

“About?” She looks up at me and bites her bottom lip. She enjoys this way more than I’d like her to. I know she lied about the modelling job. She only does selected runways. It’s not

New York fashion week, and the person I have watching her had told me she had a job in Japan this week. To be here is purposeful.

“Sleeping with someone else,” she says with a hint of a smile. She thinks I’m jealous. That’s cute. I unloop my belt from my jeans and wrap it around my hand, creating a shorter strap.

“And?” I ask. She frowns and doesn’t answer me. Pulling my hand back, I bring the strap down across her pale rounded cheeks. A satisfying smack sounds within the room, and a restrained moan leaves her. “And?” I ask again as red blossoms across both cheeks.

“I don’t know, Sir,” she stutters. I smirk and repeat the smack two more times.

“You’re lying to me,” I say calmly as I watch her cheeks redden even more. I feel my dick finally stir. I’m usually hard the moment I see her submit.

“I’m not, Sir,” she says, and I can hear the lust in her voice. I smirk and slap the leather strap over her reddened cheeks again.

“Why are you really in New York?” I ask, giving her a clue to what I’m referring to.

“For a photoshoot,” she lies. The leather slaps against her skin again, only a lot harder.

“Lies,” I can tell by her flushed cheeks and scowl that she is frustrated that I’ve not touched her yet. A part of me doesn’t want to, and it would seem my dick has the same feelings. I know it has everything to do with Megan. This usually happens when I’ve had a nightmare about her or frustrated over not finding her. Now it’s because Zoe isn’t her. Zoe will never be what I truly want.

“Fine, when I heard you’d moved here, I wanted to see you. Hearing about the girls you’re screwing made me jealous,” she huffs out.

“Why? We’re broken up,” I state. “That little statement you put out doesn’t change that,”

“If so, why haven’t you said anything yourself?” she asks.

“I don’t need to. I’ll fuck whoever I want,” I tell her.

“No,” she snaps. I move from behind her, “I just, I don’t want you to fuck someone else. You belong to me,” she mutters. I frown as I undo the belt binding her wrists.

“I’m done with this,” I say and walks away from her and up the stairs to my bedroom.

Stripping my jeans, boxers and socks off, I throw my clothes into the hamper before getting in the shower. What she’s just said has annoyed me. Everything she’s done and said since I walked in has irritated me. Mostly because she’s right, that’s not the point. Who is she to look up about Megan? What else does she know about her? A part of me thinks she knew she lived here. Knowing Zoe, she probably hired her own private investigator. Ever since I walked out on her at her engagement party, she’s been clingy.

That night after thinking I’d seen Megan, I couldn’t help but keep walking once I got out onto the street. It was pissing it down with rain, and I felt suffocated. I walked for hours. I ended up on a bench in hyde park until morning. Some drugged-up homeless guy was sleeping on one half of the bench covered from the rain by a tree. I shared the bottle of whiskey I had bought at a 24hr convenience store. Granted, I made him pour it into his flask. I’m kind, not stupid.

The chat with that homeless guy was more healing than what I paid my therapist for. When David found me, he looked furious until he realised I was drunk, not high. I gave the homeless guy all the cash I had on me and left. He was the one that told me that I felt guilty for doing the right thing, and I felt guilty for doing the wrong thing, which was staying in England once I got clean. I’d not only left Megan but abandoned her. Everyone seems to think I felt guilty for leaving. I didn't; it’s the staying.

I’d asked the homeless guy why he was in the position he was in. He told me something I didn’t expect. His wife had died a few years back, and after her funeral, he couldn’t bring himself to go inside the home he shared with her. Heartbreaking, but I understood.

Steam billows around me as the hot water sprays onto my neck and back. Looking at my dick, it’s already limp. I’m not surprised. Something about Zoe turns me off.

“Now you won’t co-operate,” I say to myself.

Last night when I walked into The Lounge, I was hard as soon as I saw Megan. When she looked at me, I wanted her. The confidence came off her in waves. It was sexy as hell. I couldn’t hide that I wanted her once we’d had a couple of drinks. It felt like I’d never left, the way she was so comfortable with me. It felt like she’d finally let her guard down with me. Then that fucker Mark came over. I’d clocked him as soon as we got to the bar. He had the nerve to come over when he’d had his tongue down some girls throat most of the night. That all changed when he noticed us both, or rather the guy he was with did. Then he tried to call me abusive. He’s lucky I didn’t introduce him to my fists when he said that. Although I doubt that would have gone over well. He looked furious when he saw us leave. I don’t think Megan noticed, or if she did, she didn’t care.

The water rinses, the soap suds off my body, and I realise I’m hard again. That seems always to do it. I think about Megan how she is now or how she was when I left, and I’ve got an instant boner. There’s one thing Zoe is wrong about; I don’t want to control Megan. When it comes to sex with Megan, she’s the one in control all the time, and it’s great.

“I can help with that,” Zoe says as her arms move around my torso and down my abdomen. I sigh and let go of my dick.

“It’s fine,” I snap and turn the shower off. Zoe huffs as I walk past her and wrap a white towel around myself.

“Why?” she says with a frown. Her perfect eyebrows knitting together as if being rejected is a foreign concept to her.

“I don’t need you touching me. You make my dick limp,” I tell her and walk out of the bathroom. “Where are you staying?” I ask her as she follows me out of the bathroom.

“Here, obviously,”

“I’ll get a hotel then,” I lie. I’ll sleep at my actual home. This is where I bring my one night stands. She doesn’t know that. I didn’t think her pretty face could look any more confused, but it can. “We’re not together,” I clarify. “If you’re staying here, then I’m not.”

“You have extra rooms,”

“And?” I take the towel around my neck and dry my hair. “I don’t want to stay here, but you can until you either find your own place or go back to England or get another gig,” I tell her. Her confusion turns to anger. Usually, when she’s angry, she throws things. Fortunately for me, there’s nothing in here for her to throw that would hurt me in the slightest.

“You’re an arsehole,” and with that, she storms into the bathroom and slams the door.

“Thanks,” I call back. I might have to meet up with Carl and ask him how I get rid of crazy.

---