SHE

SHE
The silence that follows his words pressed around us, his hand still outstretched, my eyes cannot look away from his. I watch as his confident smile turn into a nervous chuckle, his hand drops and he follows my lead, kicking back the entire content of his glass into his throat. 
 “This is the first time I ever said that out loud, and it was harder than you think.” he says, reaching for the bottle, he refills our glasses, I keep my eye on him, my head trying to make sense of what he said.
 “You think you can say something? The wide eyed staring is starting to make me regret my decision.” he says with another nervous chuckle.
“I am sorry, I was surprised..” I say quickly, surprised was a mild way of putting it, I was shocked, for a second he started to sound like it was me he liked.
He let out an exaggerated exhale,
 “You weren’t as shocked to find out as my father, I reckon Abed would be the most shocked if he hears about it.”
My mind was still whirring with the information, it didn’t make sense and yet it did, he was never with any woman besides me, he never made any advances, but loving Abed? He tried to kill the man.
 “You tried to kill him, is that your idea of love?”
He winced, “At the time, there was no better way to prove to my father that he was wrong and I had stopped loving him, it didn’t work.”
 “What?” I whisper in horror.
He sighs, drops his glass on the table, places his hand on my shoulders as he guides me to the bed, he plops me down on the bed, so I was sitting, then pulled the chair to the bed, not forgetting his half filled glass.
 “I need alcohol in my system if I am going to tell you everything.” he swallows the entire thing and refills his glass, topping off mine before steadying himself with a deep breath. I don’t rush him, I know I was going to understand the Kersher sons a little better from hearing this story, so I grip the glass in both hands and listen attentively.
 “I was always close to Abed, he was the first person my consciousness registered, and he imprinted on me, so I loved him right off the bat, then it was brotherly love, and I am not entirely sure when it morphed, but I knew I preferred men, the women hanging on my dad’s arm did nothing for me, the girls my age did not excite me, but the men did, and Abed... he was my first love.” he chuckles.
 I was just now realizing, he always said Abed’s name with a lot of care, he might not even realize it, but there was so much love in the way he pronounced his name, of course his father didn’t believe him.
 “I was pre teen, maybe twelve, when Abed came home for his holiday, he had just fallen asleep on the couch, and I hovered above him, I remember thinking, he was the most beautiful person I had ever seen, even asleep, and his mouth was right there, without a thought, I leaned in and pressed my mouth against his. My biggest mistake, my father saw.” 
 I let out a horrified gasp. He chuckled, but his eyes tell me he was reliving an awful memory, I reach out and squeeze his hand.
 “I knew from his eyes-- his furious eyes, that I had made my own life a living hell. He asked me how long it had been going on.” he shivered.
“I explained Abed had nothing to do with it, and so my punishment was to hurt Abed, all those games and competitions, they were designed to make me hurt Abed, and he knew that would in turn hurt me. Every time I begged him to let him go, that my feelings were all but gone, he knew I was lying, he always knew.”
 I swallow, feeling his hurt as if it were my own, both of them had gone through a lot in the hands of the man who was supposed to protect them.
 “You know, I really tried to stop loving him, I tried, I went out with both men and women, looking for a replacement, but I also didn’t want him to call me his brother, because nothing would ever happen between brothers.” he chuckled, but it was sad.
 “It’s the way you say his name.” I say quietly,
He looked up, his eyes were moist, my heart broke watching him, the man before me was neither the assassin Richard, or fairy godmother, he was twelve again.
 “What?”
“I have never heard someone call another person’s name with as much love as you call his.”
 His eyes widen a fraction, and then he laughs,
“I enrolled into theater to perfect my poker face so he didn’t find out, and all it took to undo it was how I called his name?”
 Pretty soon we were both laughing, I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol in our system that made everything so light for us.
 “What do you like so much about Abed?” he asked me, then before I could answer, he starts to chuckle.
“I think I hear it now! The way I call him! How can he not hear it?”
“Because he is an idiot who overthinks everything, nothing is ever simple for him.” he responds to his own question and then laughs. 
 “He is the kindest person I ever met, the most thoughtful, he just draws you in, makes you safe, melts your trouble away, all you have to do is just say the word.” I say quietly, pulling my legs up to my chin.
 He stays silent for a while, both of us lost in thoughts of the same man. I missed him greatly, my chest tightened at the thought of him, his eyes, his fingers, the way his face lit up whenever he smiled his rare smile, even his small smiles were perfect.
 “I feel the same way.” he says quietly.
“He never killed anyone.”
“What?”
He smiles sadly, “Abed, he never killed anyone. Everyone that he was supposed to kill is out there, living their lives.”
 “Seriously?”
He nods proudly, “He has never killed a person, he tortured some people, only the ones who had done really bad things, but no matter what terrible things a person had done, he always smuggled them out of the country, my father never found out, but he left trails for me to find, he wanted me to be like that.” 
 Again I was marveled by him, he risked his life to save others, I know how lonely he must have been, so obviously he had to quit.
 “That’s very noble of him.” I say.
“You wouldn’t have minded, you would have loved him anyway?”
I didn’t realize it but I nod because he was right, I would have loved him anyway, because he had changed, maybe because I knew deep down, he was not a killer.
 “Then why would you be so angry that you are married to him? I would kill or that opportunity. Pun very much intended.”
I swallow, the betrayal was hitting me square in the chest again, all of a sudden I was a kid again, my parents promising they would come back for me...
 “I don’t think I can forgive lies Richie... I think, I think you won against me as well.”