CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT — STARTING OVER AGAIN

Present Elaine shut her eyes in anguish. Tears stung her eyes. With weakened knees she fell to the floor sitting, she felt her tightening chest as tears fell down from her already swollen, puffy eyes.

The rogue fragments of unbearable memory she kept by herself all those years felt like it was still happening. And until now, she was hopelessly trying to escape.

That night, Tan met an accident. He was rushed to the hospital and is in critical condition. But even if she died worrying and no matter how much she would’ve wanted to be by his side, it’s too late. During that time, she was in the police station already. She confessed to Bettina’s crime.

Little by little, guilt lived in her heart. That wouldn’t have happened to Tan if not for her. She is in jail and all, still she brought her husband harm.

She tried calling Tan every chance she gets, not just once or twice. But each time, she remembered a woman’s gentle voice answers his cell phone. That was the time when she realized Tan may continue living his life without her. Painful. That’s what she held on to for the courage to finally let go.

The hardest part for Elaine was that she had to face Tan after she posted bail. She saw him with that woman. Janine. She heard and saw her acting as if she was the wife. While she was the wicked witch who needed to pretend she didn’t give a single damn.

The jealousy she was feeling then, she knew was useless. Because while time passes, there are more reasons for her to set Tan free.

So instead of hugging him tight and telling him how much she worried about him, she threw him harsh words she didn’t mean. She took the check he gave her to prove that she was just after the money and that’s her only reason for coming.

How much she hurt him then, Elaine knew exactly how much. Whoever she is, he would accept her. But she was a woman with cracks and flaws. She shouldn’t be with him.

That same day, she visited Bettina, bringing the money she cashed. She would take her to a private hospital in Manila to be treated. She would use the money for surgery and hospitalization. She was not giving up. Her mother’s life might be extended using that money. Bettina’s all that she had. She wanted her to still be strong when she is truly free.

But when she opened their house’s main door, she was greeted by Bettina’s lifeless body, hanging at the center of the living room.

Bettina committed suicide. Leaving Elaine in misery and complete devastation. She just broke down. For over two years, she wasn’t herself and she can’t be talked to because of trauma.

The only person where she draws strength from, left her.

Those were the times when she repeatedly questioned the Lord. Don’t you love me? Don’t you hear my cries and prayers? Have you forsaken me completely? If not, then why among all the people in the world, you always pick on me?

Why won’t he let her take a breather before throwing her another problem? Why is it that he gives everything at once? Can’t it be one at a time? Why is it so hard to be happy? Why isn’t there anything left to her? What is really her purpose? To make her even stronger or to ruin her even more?

She just wanted to go crazy for real. No, death could be sweeter. She believed only death could help her then. She didn’t just attempt once, she wanted to die soon to end her suffering. But even Death himself, wouldn’t grant her peace. She keeps waking up in a psychiatric ward. Still alive and breathing.

Without that someone who kept visiting her and constantly reminding her that life was beautiful, and she could still be happy again, she could’ve not probably snapped back. That person's voice, she felt is her loving mother’s. Pulling her back to her real self.

Fighter. Brave. Resilient. 

Elaine was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder. It was Drew whom she contacted first. Only Drew knew about what she has been going through. She hid secrets even to Mang Chito.

She found out Bettina left a suicide note. She admitted she unintentionally killed Silver when he hurt her and threatened her and Elaine’s life. She also wrote there how much she was sorry for not being a good mother to her sooner. If she had the chance to live again, she would still choose her to be her child. And that she would make it up to her for the rest of her life.

When she finally calmed herself, she weakly sat on the dusty sofa. Minutes passed and she just stayed unmoving in that chair. Her tears dried. All that was left for her now were regrets which little by little she knew would spring hope for her to begin again.

To do that, Sandra was right. She needed to first, let go of the guilt and forgive herself.

Few minutes later, Elaine found herself walking outside the house. She passed by the parked car on the side of the road. It had been years, she wanted to be free of all the pain she’s been feeling. She did not notice that on the opposite side, a guy was walking along, keeping up with each of her slow and light steps. The man kept staring and looking at her—with those love filled eyes.