Chapter 440 Chapter 440
Noah knew his mouth was hanging open, but he couldn’t process enough to close it. He turned to see Blair and Kobie were both looking at him too waiting for him to answer. “I,” he looked back to Devin, “I can barely keep myself together most days,” he motioned between Calum and Blair, “as they found out earlier today.” He snapped his mouth shut and shook his head, “I don’t know anything about running a clan.” He started to stand up, then changed his mind, if he got up, his cat would take that as a signal “I hadn’t even been around a clan until I went to Ed’s,” he snapped his head back to look at the prince, “you were there at the camp, you know how bad I was...”
“I think you’re perfect for the job,” Kobie said softly.
Noah turned to her, and she nodded.
“You, better than anyone else will understand what they’ve been through, what they’re going to go through.” She gave him one of those soft ‘females’ looks, the ones he didn’t quite understand, but usually meant he was going to be talked into something. “I know you struggle with it every day, but you’re coping and overcoming,” she tilted her head to the side, “I think they need someone like you to learn how to live again.”
Learn how to live? When had he done that? He walked around each day in a fog of fury and guilt, trying to keep it together. He looked at the cabin, inside were so many people that needed someone that would watch out for them, guide them, and defend them if necessary. He wasn’t that someone. “I,” he turned to Blair, hoping he at least would get where he was coming from, “know nothing about that.” He shook his head, “there’s a bunch of kids in there…”
“Nine children,” Kobie said.
He gave her a blank look for a moment. “There are nine kids in there,” Noah gave Devin a wide-eyed look, “what do I know about looking after children?”
“You’re great with Daisie,” Kobie said before either of the other men could speak. “She thinks you’re amazing.”
Noah frowned; he’d never done anything with her really, just talked to her when she wasn’t busy with schoolwork. He turned back to Blair, “there’s a lot of work at the shop.”
Blair shrugged, “we have all winter to get everything caught up.”
“Why don’t you think it over for a few days?” Calum stood up, “we still have to find a place to take them.” He looked at Blair, “without turning your place into a trailer park.”
Blair groaned.
Noah needed to get out of there, he was afraid to let his cat out to run, but right now he was more scared of trying to keep his animal on the inside. He couldn’t be responsible for nineteen people, he just couldn’t. A sound came from the cabin, he turned to see Emersyn standing there hugging a blanket around her shoulders. Cocking his head, he watched for a second, before getting up. He knew what brought her outside and away from her child, the nightmares. He didn’t excuse himself, just got up and went over to her.
“Trouble sleeping?” It was a dumb, obvious question, but it was all he had.
She nodded.
“Is Aspyn sleeping okay?” He rubbed his hand over his chest, hoping to keep his cat under control.
“She’s curled up with that little girl, Wren,” some of the tension faded from her face, “it’s pretty cute seeing them sleeping like that.”
He nodded. “She seems to be doing okay.” He hadn’t spoken more than three words to her, but he’d watched her for most of the day. He’d been looking for those telltale signs he’d seen too many times, the rounded eyes, startling at every sound or when anyone moved, the quiet observing that children did when they had been through more than their body could handle or worse shutting down completely, mentally checking out and sitting alone, unmoving as if paralyzed He’d seen all of that with Leah long ago.
Emersyn blew out a breath, “yes. I’m so glad.” She sighed again, “I can’t explain how worried I’ve been that-that…”
Noah moved fast and was right in front of her before she could continue, “they looked out for her here, didn’t let anything happen to her.” One of the women, Nora, he thought was her name, had watched over Aspyn along with her four-year-old son, Mason.
“I owe them for that.” She looked over her shoulder at the door, “I’d like to stay with them.” She said it softly as if the idea had just formed in her head. Turning back, she gave him a long appraising look, “I don’t think I can just go back to my family as if I’ve been on a very long vacation, Noah.”
“I understand.” He confessed, “I haven’t seen my family since they got me out.”
“How long is that?”
Taking a deep breath, he tried to figure out how long he’d been ‘free’, in the body at least. “Uh, I think maybe a year now.” He nodded his head slowly, “I was at a facility for a while and then to the prince’s camp before I came to Ed’s,” he was surprised by how long it had been, “then I started helping the Alliance and it’s been,” he exhaled, “a bit busy.” He left out the part of the facility being the refuge center they took all the males rescued to until they were sure they weren’t helping the organization they were shutting down.
“Does it ever get better?”
Her anxious tone made him look back down at her. Something deep inside him knew what she was asking, even if he couldn’t put it into words. “Not really, but you learn how to function despite it.” Should he have lied to her? No, she deserved to know the truth, to be in control of her own world now.
“You seem to be doing good.”
Her emerald eyes were wide, looking at him full of hope. “I have good days.” He shrugged, figuring it was better than saying bad days.
“I’m better now that I have Aspyn, but still when I close my eyes…”
Noah didn’t know what possessed him to do it, but her reached out and gently, carefully, not wanting to startle her, pulled her into his arms. “I know.” He leaned down and rested his head on top of her head, moving his hand up and down her back, trying to coax the tension to leave her body. She held herself still but didn’t freeze up or shove him away. “It’s going to be better,” he lifted his head and leaned back so he could see her face, “you’ll see, once you realize you get to decide what you do and don’t want to do.” He tried for an encouraging smile but fell it fell short and probably looked more like a cringe. “We’ll get through it.” His mouth said before the words registered in his brain.
“You’re coming with us?”
He stood there, feeling like he wasn’t in his own body. Her eyes were filled with so much hope it caused his chest to ache. He nodded, not having any words that could explain how much that was a bad idea.
Emersyn leaned into him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “That makes me feel better.” She sighed, “I know you won’t let anything happen to Aspyn.” Her arms were around him, but not relaxed. She was as at odds with a hug as he was.
Noah frowned, she hadn’t said herself, just her daughter. He needed to move, he couldn’t stand her and hold her like this. It started with his chest feeling tight and then his gut. This wasn’t right. None of it was right. “Listen, we’re going to need a list of what everyone needs,” he shrugged, not even sure, “clothes and stuff.” He cringed, he was not good at this sort of thing, “maybe you could do that in the morning?”
She looked up at him, “I don’t write very well.” She whispered like it was her own fault.
“Me either,” He glanced at the cabin, “get one of the elders to do that part, you just do the leg work.” He swallowed trying to create some salvia in his mouth that had gone so dry it felt like it was cracking.
She smiled slowly, “I can do that.” She nodded.
Noah let out a slow shaky breath and glanced away from her to see Blair standing at the bottom of the steps, he jerked his head to the side. “I’m needed right now,” he tried to lick his lips with a dry tongue, “you go back inside and hug that baby girl of yours.”
Emersyn nodded; a lot of the strain was gone from her expression now. She stretched up and placed her lips against his cheek. Noah stiffened, even with the growth of his beard he felt like it seared him all the way to his soul. “Thank you, Noah.” She stepped back and then put her hand over her mouth. “I don’t know why I did that.” She turned and quickly went inside.
Noah gasped out the breath he’d been unintentionally holding. With stiff steps, he went down to Blair.
“We’re going to do a quick check of the area,” he looked over his shoulder, “Devin’s guards will keep an eye on the cabin.” He lifted his eyebrows in question, “you in?”
Noah nodded. Five minutes ago, he was afraid to let his animal out, now if he didn’t, he was going to lose what was left of his sanity.
Blair grinned, “ah, the mind fuck that goes with finding a mate.” He chuckled and started walking over to Devin and Calum.
Noah scowled at his back as he followed. What did that even mean? It’s not like his mind was ever clear at any other time. He took off his jacket and clenched it in his fist. He would go for a run and then get some sleep. The trip back to—wherever they were going was bound to be long and trying. Noah stomped right past where Blair and Kobie stood, going further into the trees. He hadn’t asked about transport, hopefully, they sent enough vehicles that they weren’t squished in them with no room to move or breathe. He needed to do something about his mouth too, he thought as he tossed his jacket over a tree branch. Every time he opened it around Emersyn, he was making promises he knew he couldn’t keep. He could barely navigate an entire day without some misstep or serious fuck up—how was he going to look out for her and her little girl?
“A little less inner turmoil and more shifting,” Blair gave him a wary glance as they walked by him.