10 | sweet nothing

Chapter Ten. Sweet nothing.

I can’t remember a memory where I was happy without Vhallerine being included in my reasons. She was my happiness, comfort, sorrow… She recognized me. She made me feel like she was proud of me even in the little things I do. Even I can’t appreciate.

Having her beside me is like having everything in this world. So when she’s not around, it’s like I have nothing. It’s her or nothing. It’s everything or my life without her. I would always choose a life with her.

She’s not fortunate enough to have the parents she always deserved. I’m glad that she stayed alive after the pain she’s been through. Because of that, I could see her and marry her before she goes. We never know a person’s pain. Under those wide smiles, there’s a sorrow and a scar on their souls. Not just for themselves, because of pity in other people’s problems that they can’t fix. It’s not their job to, but people sometimes lose control and lash their anger out to someone. Even that someone is the person they ‘love’.

Hurting someone is not love, nor should be called a discipline.

For me, if you could discipline someone, it should be emotionally. Children remember what their parents does and has the tendency to to them again to their future family, then it will continue. Like a generational curse. Why would you want that?

First, you should fix yourself. You should be better than anyone else by not doing the bad things they do. I’m not really a religious person, we don’t go to church a lot when I was a child. We believed in God. Whenever I saw people who oftenly go to church do the worst things, I feel like they’re just fooling themselves that they are the good person— because they’re not.

It's not your job to fix everyone, alright. You should choose your battles. Don’t waste your energy. If they don’t want to change, please leave. Save yourself. Don’t let the guilt eat you.

Like them, you are important too. You deserve to be understood like you understand those people, too. If someone wants to change for the better for you, they would. And if they don’t, then they really don’t want to.

Substances. They knew it’s forbidden, but still use them. They knew what could possibly happen but still use it for their own pleasure.

You shouldn’t do it! No matter how hard it gets, you shouldn’t do reckless things that can make other feel unloved. Don’t let your pain affect other person. We have our own battles, child or adult, grown-ups or not, we have battles. Why would we compare whose problems is more worse than the others? And if you did hurt someone, you should apologize and not do it again ever. Make it up. If you’re really sorry, you shouldn’t do it again. Not repeatedly say you’re sorry but following the same damn pattern.

Even I made that decision so she could finally live in peace, I still feel like it’s my fault. Is it my fault? Maybe. But is it for the best? I think so.

Sa mga taon na ‘yon, wala ako sa tabi niya. At sa mga kwento niya pa lang, alam ko na sobrang hirap ng pinagdaanan niya. Bakit iisipin ko lang ang sarili ko? Oo masasaktan ako. Pero siya? Paano kapag pinili niyang mabuhay habang dala-dala lahat ng sakit na ‘yon? Siguro, baka naging masaya siya someday. Pero paano kung hindi na?

Katulad ko ngayon.

Ang gago-gago ko. Alam kong nagpapanggap lang sila mama. I know they’re guilty and sorry for what they’ve done for me years ago so they’re trying to make it up. Not just for themselves to feel better, but for me, too. Even they feel that it’s a silly thing to do, they would do it.

Parents are not perfect. It was their first time leaving too. Nagtanim ako sa kanila ng galit, oo. Bata pa lang ako noon. Sinasaktan nila ako emotionally. Kasi kapag alam nilang gusto ko, inilalayo nila sa akin pag ‘di ko sinunod ang gusto niya.

You don’t always have to forgive if you don’t feel like it. But forgiveness is freeing. Even it’s hard. What would karma do to you? You make karma for someone, then that’s someone’s karma, even without trying, will come for you too. Imbes na sa kanila lang, damay ka pa.

What will you do if someone you really love writes you a letter before they leave and you know you couldn’t do anything to stop them?

October 23.

Dear Galen,

You probably feel guilty and sad just by reading this now.

I hope you don’t.

Okay. I used to wonder why it’s so precious for you

When it’s handwritten on a paper. But now I understand.

Wala kang kasalanan.

Wala tayong kasalanan.

Nahirapan ako, pero ngayon, napatawad ko na ang sarili ko.

Ganoon siguro pag malapit na mamatay, ‘no? Ewan ko ba.

Kung binabasa mo ‘to, sana mapatawad mo ang sarili mo sa lahat ng pagkakamali mo sa nakaraan. Hindi porket nagkamali ka noon, magkakamali ka ulit. Kasi pwede mo namang piliin na ‘wag na ulitin iyon, ‘di ba? Tama ka nga. It’s always the person’s choice to change.

For me, you’re the reason why I forgave myself.

So I want myself to be the reason so you could forgive yourself.

I will be the one to say sorry for the things that made you upset.

Not just the things I did, but let me be the one to say sorry

For those person who doesn’t have any courage to apologize

For the things that they have done to you. It’s their choice to

Apologize, but they couldn’t. But I hope you still forgive them,

Me and yourself.

Hindi na natin mababalik iyong oras.

May mga taong mawawala sa buhay natin na inakala nating

Mananatili sa tabi natin. Iyong inasahan nating makakasama

Natin sa future, sa pagtanda natin. Hindi lahat nananatili.

It’s inevitable, pag may umalis man, kahit gaano kabigat sa

Dibdib mo na magmoveon lalo na kung hindi sila nagpaalam sa ‘yo,

You should move forward for yourself.

Not just so you could catch up to those people who

Already moved forward. Because before that, they’ve been

Through it too. And just remember that when someone leaves,

Somebody appears. You will meet someone again.

Probably someone better to teach you the lessons.

Maybe they will leave, too. But what if they stay?

They’re the one who’ll stay with you.

Even after seeing your flaws.

Ikaw, nakita mo ‘yung pagkukulang ko.

Pero inintindi mo ‘ko, hinintay at tinanggap.

Lahat ng tao ay deserve no’n. Huwag mong

Isipin na porket iniwan ka ng taong minahal mo kahapon,

Hindi ka na mamahalin bukas. Ibang tao man iyong magmahal

Sa ‘yo, sana tanggapin mo. Kasi hindi lahat ng pagmamahal,

Nasusuklian. Deserve mo na mahalin.

And if that someone can’t come yet,

Love yourself first. Live life with positivity.

Forgive yourself, forgive the people who wronged you.

Love someone, be wasted.

Do embarrassing things in your life.

Before expecting for the best person,

Be the best for yourself.

Alam mo naman na mahal na mahal kita, ‘di ba?

Hindi ko ginustong umalis. I didn’t make you do

The promise to win the case for myself.

Because now, I no longer live for myself but for you.

Salamat sa mga oras na pinangiti mo ako, pinatawa

Pag umiiyak ako at nalulungkot ako. Pag mukha akong

Haggard na haggard pero sinasabi mong maganda ako.

Sa tingin mo naniwala ako sa ‘yo? Aba syempre!

Uto-uto ako.

Tsaka alam mo ba? Ginusto ko lang maging doctor

Dahil gusto ko na ako lang ang makakahawak sa puso mo.

Malalim na banat ‘yon, ah?  Pero seryoso, isa iyon sa dahilan.

Iyong iba, para kay mommy.

Sa susunod na magkita tayo, pagkawala ko sa mundong ‘to. After Vhallerine’s time, I want to live again and wait for you to come with me. I want a daughter with you. We’ll name her Augustine. We’ll cook on the yard, she’ll play with her playmates and we’ll hug each other saying, “we made it”. In some other time, we will sleep looking at each other with a baby between us. With a better future ahead, not just wait for me to get released on this jail. Not to get married here.

Not here.

I’m flawed with a scar on my soul

I would understand if you didn’t find me

But after those years without hearing from

Me then you saw me again as a thief,

Then going back to the Philippines, a murderer.

You accepted me for being me. You know I

Couldn’t do it. You took your time, even it’s

Just a few minutes with us together, just to get

To know me. What I like, what I hate.

You hate waiting,

But you waited for me.

You want justice,

But you defended a murderer like me.

You want everything perfect,

But you want a flawed person to be your bride.

I don’t want to say I’m tearing up, but I am. Sayang, ‘no? Sana kung pinanganak ako sa mas matinong pamilya, payapang kapaligiran, baka may oras pa ako ngayon. Pero ano nga namang gagawin ko sa oras na ‘yon kung ‘di ka dumating? Kahit gaano kasakit ‘tong nararamdaman ko, ang tanging pinagpapasalamat ko lang ay nakasama kita. Sapat na ‘yon.

I love you, more than your flaws, endless like my sorrows, genuine like my tears, sweeter than our kisses, longer than our time together,  peaceful than myself, darker than black.

You loved me with my faults— accepted me

Because I am a part of you, and you know it. You loved yourself,

That’s why we found love in each other. And by loving yourself,

I became a part of you. That will never be gone, even I became an ash. Even time flies. Even everything changes.

You don’t have to wait for me this time, love.

Because I’ll be the one waiting for you.

I claim you, to be a part of me, even I’m underneath the greenish yard.

I will wait for you, patiently that it would be very worth it. I am accepting my faults, even yours. So don’t ever ask yourself you are the fault. No one is the fault. It’s all destined. And I’m destined for you.

I hope your pillows are warm when you sleep, do you can feel my tight hugs for you whenever you’re sad and you seek for comfort. I hope your handkerchief is beside you everyday, remember me as it. I will wipe your tears when you feel misery. I am always here, in your heart.

Love,

Vhallerine

It was the eighth time I read that. The tears won’t stop falling. Nakapaskil lang ang ngiti sa labi ko.

Ihininto ko ang sasakyan sa lugar kung saan siya humihimlay. Kinuha ko ang shovel sa backseat at ang aking baril.

You don’t have to wait anymore.

By doing this, I am forgiving myself.

Giving the pain to another person? My parents.

Nagdadalawang-isip ako sa aking gagawin.

Hinukay ko iyon. Napaubo ako nang malalim na. I saw her there. I digged another bigger hole beside her while still smiling.

I’m at peace with her. I cannot wait any longer. To feel accepted again. I don’t have to ask myself if “Am I The Fault?”

Bang!

As I felt the pain, it was like sweet nothing.

This time, I won’t be as selfless as you are. I’d rather be selfish.

And It’s not my fault.

Author’s Note: Hello, this will be the last chapter of ‘Am I The Fault?’, Galen and Vhallerine’s story. Hopefully this story made you feel something. And if you ever feel like crying and you need help to take out every pain you feel, I hope this story helps. Writing this gave me the pain I wanted to feel when I couldn’t process my emotions and I am excited to share this to more people.

Hopefully, we don’t end everything because we feel deeply hurt. But we should understand people who do ‘it’ because they can’t live any longer in this world. No one can describe their pain. The traumatic experiences they’ve been to. Just hang in there, guys! Just by reading this, I’m proud of you for surviving. Please be safe and be okay. Not every people can understand our pain, our real reason why we distance ourselves.

Sometimes, you don’t have to explain. This story is dedicated to all of my readers. Not for me or for my friends. For you. You will win. You will survive, trust me! It’s all temporary. I’ve been there. If I can, trust yourself that you can too.