Ch 63

Ch 63
Eden woke up exhausted, broken, but incredibly happy. 
Yet, strangely, she felt like crying. 
A quiet sob cut through the silence in the room.
“There..” said a deep voice close to her ear, as he wiped her eyes. 
Eden turned her head and saw Ian handing her a lace silk handkerchief.
“Thank you," she said.
She dabbed at her eyes.
“But you know, I cry because I'm happy.”
“I know you are. I'm very proud of you. You're very brave.”
“Where is she?" murmured Eden, trying to lift herself onto the pillow to get a better look.
“Right beside you. Let me help you.”
He took the baby from her cradle and handed her to Eden.
“You're taking very good care of her.” Eden said, with surprise tinged with tenderness.
“Thank you, Eden.”
Ian avoided her gaze, not daring to look her in the eye.
“She's so small, I'm afraid of hurting her.”
He gently moved his hand forward to touch the child's cheek, but his gesture froze.
“What's going on, Ian?”
An icy doubt seized Eden, piercing the cloud of happiness that had enveloped her.
“She doesn't have anything you haven't told me, does she?”
Ian turned to Eden so he could get a good look at her face. 
“No, she doesn’t. She's perfect.”
“What's troubling you, then?”
Eden slipped his fingers into the palm of her husband's hand.
“I can see it in your eyes, I know you well by now. Were you shocked? Mrs. Kingston was surprised you stayed; she thought you were going to faint.”
Ian sat down on the edge of the bed.
“Shocked? I don't know... Impressed, anyway. I have the utmost respect for your courage and strength. When alphas are confronted with pain hunting, for example they make a big deal of it, and if they get out alive, they boast about their courage. Omegas, on the other hand, suffer without complaint to bring children into the world, and take no credit for it.”
“I do feel like I've complained, though,” says Eden with a smile. 
I suppose the memory of pain fades after a while. However, I confess I'm in no hurry to do it again. 
Tell me, Ian, weren't you happy when you found out it was a girl?
Ian struggled with himself, like a man trying to confess sins too heavy for him to bear. 
Eden hugged the baby and squeezed her husband's hand. 
This was his whole family now.
“Yes, I was relieved when I found out it was a girl," he admitted at last, as if confessing a crime.
“I know you were.”
Ian’s fear that the baby would be a boy had tormented Eden for months, and the omega had concealed her feelings from him as best she could.
 But why wasn't she happier now?
“I wished with all my might that it would be a girl, because I didn't want Ivan’s son to inherit my title, but our son, just the two of us. It's shameful, despicable and unworthy of a man of honor. I should have been able to put this ignoble feeling aside, so that I could have sincerely loved the child you were expecting.”
Ah, the honor of alphas! It was as if Ian had been caught cheating at cards, or some such fault. 
Eden loved him, but sometimes the omega found it really hard to understand him.
“I can accept that you feel it," Eden replied, "but not that you blame yourself so much. I think it's perfectly natural. Your domain, your title. It's only natural that you want your son to inherit it.”
Ian seemed taken aback. 
Eden regretted that she hadn't broached the subject during her pregnancy.
 Perhaps the shock of childbirth had shattered her damned modesty.
“I’m sure that if Ivan had married you and then died, leaving me guardian of the child, I wouldn't have had these horrible feelings.”
“Life never turns out the way we plan. We can't punish ourselves for events that didn't happen.”
“No," sighed Ian. 
“Probably not.”
But he didn't seem convinced.
“Ian, do you think you'll be able to love this child?”
Ian brought his hand forward and gently stroked the baby's cheek with his finger in a gesture of infinite gentleness. 
“Come on, for heaven's sake, can't you forgive yourself for the feelings you've had? You've been ashamed of them, you've fought them, what more do you need? Do you think you're perfect?”
“I'd be a pretentious fool if I thought so.”
The alpha smiled a slightly constrained smile. 
The baby wrapped her little fingers around the index finger of that big man's hand, which remained patiently motionless.
Yes, I think I could forgive myself. For her and for you, if you must know.”
The omega straightened up to stroke her husband's hair impulsively. 
The baby stirred, and Eden placed her on her breast, overwhelmed by the love she felt for this little being. 
At that moment, Eden knew she would die for this child. 
Ian wordlessly lay down beside her, and Eden pushed herself up to make room for him. 
Long minutes passed, before the omega resumed.
“We should give this little girl a name.”